It's hard to let go but what can I do when I can no longer hold you? What can I do to make you stay? But I can't do nothing if you are the one who's letting go of my hand you are the one who's running away from me. There is nothing I can do but to watch your fading image. My feet, my Body wont move I just can't. What if I stop you and hear you say that you no longer Need me that you no longer LOVE me. Will I able to stand up again. You don't need to say a word I can feel in your action; the way you look at me, your warmness that turn to cold. I need to do something I can no longer make you smile the way I use to. The smile that I fell in love with, it's no longer there, only sadness and guilt.
"Christmas is coming I can't wait" Youngjae said.
"Yeah, I wonder what I'm going to receive this year?" BamBam said being excited on his gift.
"Yeah me too, I hope I get a wonderful and nice gift," Said Yugyeom with a dreaming eyes.
"Your going to receive a coal because you are a evil maknae!" Jinyoung said and the other laugh.
Mark Hyung pat me on my shoulder "Have you think of something to give Jaeboem?"
I look at him "Yes, and I hope he will like it," I said with hint of pain in my heart. Looking at the older man, Jaeboem is in deep thought. I wonder if I'm the one he's thinking about?
"How about you Hyung? Did you think of something to give to bamBam? Cause he seem so excited."
"Yeah and he better love it" Mark said sitting between BamBam and Jinyoung.
I rather sit here and watch Jaeboem Hyung every move than to seat next to him where I can feel nothing but his coldness. What did I do to diserve this?
***
We just got home with silence. I walk behind you going to our room. No word came out from both of us. We are surrounded by our silence and it kills me.
You are now sleeping facing the other direction. Even in the sleeps you won't face me. A tear fall from my eyes. I put my hand in my lips, I don't want you to hear me crying. I want to look fine even I'm not. Why I can't feel you even your close to me. Reaching out for you, I pull my hand back. I can no longer hold it. I grab my car key and drive to wherever my car take my. Tears are falling in my eyes. I stop on somewhere and cry my pain. I scream I can no longer take it.
Why?! Why you suddenly become cold? Are you fell out of love with me? I stay there for an hour and when the sun is finally rising I decided to go home.
When I opened the door it's feel so cold, warm feeling no longer surrounding our home. In our room you are still sleeping I just watch you're sleeping figure. You look so peaceful, and so handsome. I can't imagine myself without you. Your eyes slowly opens adjusting to the light.
"What is it?" You said
"Nothing Hyung, Good morning" I said and go to kiss you in the cheek but you didn't allow me.
"We should go or we're going to be late" you standing up and went straight to the bathroom.
A drop of tear falls in my cheek and I immediately wipe my tear. I take a deep breath preventing a tear to fall. My heart each so much it's too painful for me to handle. In our bands dressing room our band mate greet us a good morning. You cheerfully greet them back. I smiled, at lease when we are with them I can see you smile maybe not for me but I'm happy just to see those precious smile.
Tomorrow will be Christmas and I got the perfect gift that I can give you. You are in our living watching a random variety show. I sit beside you, I can smell your usual smell. I look and smiled at you, you smiled back but it was a force smile. I'm contented on what I can have from you but I will accept all the things you can give me even it hurts me. We can be friends again right?
Christmas is here and it's cold. I remember last Christmas is cold we cuddle together to keep our body warm. We are so in love like nothing can separate us. Sounds of opining door bring me back to reality. Reality, that I will have to face. You sit down on the edge of our bed and you look sad.
"Hyung..."
"Yes?" You said in tired voice.
"What do you wish for this year?" I said looking at the window.
I didn't hear any reply. I smiled bitterly .
"For me, my wish this year is......" I looking at you "I wish for your happiness. Hyung are you happy with me?"
There is change in you expression. I can tell that there is something you wanted to tell me
"I...I'm.."
"There is no need to think Hyung. Just tell me to let go and I will. I want you to be happy and I can tell that I can not longer make you happy. I can not longer make you smile the way I use too. I'm just keeping you from being happy."
I hold your facein my arm, "I'll be fine Hyung, I'm letting you go Jaeboem. Go to where your happiness lay. Go too Jinyoung....." I said with sad smile.
You look at me in shock face, "Jackson....I....Jinyoung....."
I shaking my head, "Don't....you don't need to say anything Hyung. Just go now....."
Before I knew it you are no longer in the room. You on your way go to Jinyoung's arms where you can feel warm, happy and Love. Yes I know all along. I can see it, I can feel it.
But now just let me with my shattered heart. I can't stop myself from crying right now. But I will be fine for you, I promise I will.
"Merry Christmas Jaeboem Hyung......."
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My first story ever for this fandom also my first JackBum story. English not my mother languege so I'm sorry if there were mistake here and there.
