December

Challenge: Too Much

December 14, 2019

I cautiously walk into a small office and stop in front of a fairly large desk with a stern-looking woman typing on a computer. She had night back hair that was pulled neatly into a bun and was wearing a black pantsuit. She stopped typing to glance at me then looked back at the computer screen.

"Do you have an appointment?" She asked without looking up from her computer.

"Um yes, I'm the 3:46 with Dr. Shanna."

"You're five minutes late."

"I know, I got caught up in traffic. Is my appointment still valid?" I ask while fidgeting with my hands.

The woman gave me an audible sigh because answering me, "Third room to your left. It's by the bathrooms," she said before putting a do not disturb sign on the desk. I give the lady a questioning look before following the directions she gave me. I stop In front of a door that had a sign with the name Dr. Shanna engraved onto it. I silently walk into the small room and am met with a very happy woman who looks to be in her early twenties. Her long blonde hair was tied up into a ponytail, she wore a red sweater dress that seemed to end just below her knees, and she wore short black boots to tie the look together.

"Good afternoon, are you Olivia Jones?" The women ask while motioning me to sit on a small couch that was facing a coffee table and a chair that matched the couch. I nodded my head and quickly sat on the couch while looking down at my feet the whole time. "I don't want to sound mean at all but you are going to have to open up to me at some point during this session." The woman said while sitting down on the chair across from me. She then pulled out a small clipboard with a pen attached to it and waited for me to talk.

"I don't know what to talk about or where to start," I say, finally looking into the woman's bright blue eyes.

"That's okay sweetheart, why don't you just start with why you are here and we will go from there." Her smile grew, even more, when I started to think about why I was here.

"Well, I hear strange voices in my head that tell me to do things and they just got to be too much so I decided to get help." My heartbeat started to quicken as I mentioned the voices in public. I was waiting for the women to call me crazy like anyone else or for the voices to threaten me like they normally do. But none of those things happened, the women just kept her smile and started to write on her clipboard.

"Okay, when did you start to hear these voices? And what kind of things do they say?" The women ask while giving me another big smile making me want to tell her everything that she wanted to know.

"Well, they started talking to me once my parents got arrested and I had to move in with my Grandma and Grandpa. They wouldn't talk to me long and they only visited me for two weeks at a time, but that changed when my boyfriend killed himself. I fell into a dark hole that I felt like I couldn't get out of and the voices started to talk more and visit more frequently. They were mean to me and made me feel sad which didn't help my life at all. My Grandparents became abusive and would hit me for acting weird and my friends stopped talking to me altogether. One day I brought up the idea of suicide and the voices agreed to it but I decided to get help instead." I started to bounce my right leg up and down and shake my hands that were gently placed in my lap.

"Why didn't you kill yourself?" The woman stopped writing and looked right at me waiting for my answer.

"Um, I don't know, it just didn't feel right," I say as I feel someone sit next to me and look over to see the women almost towering over me.

"Have you tried? Do you have scars? Do you have the knife in your bag right now?" The woman made a gesture to my bag that laid by my feet. I gulped and gave a slight nod that almost made tears fall down my face. I gently raise the sleeves of my hoodie and look up at the women. She immediately takes my arm into her hands and inspects the thin scars that covered both of my arms. "Can I see the knife?" The women ask while still staring at my arms.

I nod and quickly reach down for my black bag that laid by my feet. I pulled out my small pocket knife and handed it to the women. I don't know why I was doing any of this but my body reacted by itself and ignored any commands that my mind gave it. She took the knife out of my hands and started inspecting it too. "Small yet sharp and heavy but not too heavy." She then suddenly took my arm and made a thin cut into my skin. I winced at the pain but didn't give her any signal to stop what she was doing. I knew that it was wrong but it felt somewhat good.

She then handed me back my knife and pulled me closer to her. "Why don't you listen to the voices in your head and just end it right here? All of your problems can go away in an instant and you don't have to deal with any of the real-world issues you have." I looked down at the knife as the words left her mouth. My mind because foggy as I held the knife closer and closer to my skin the more she spoke to me. I was about to make a very deep cut into myself when I heard something that stopped me.

'Don't do it, she is tricking you.' I heard the voices come back and louder than ever.

'Why shouldn't I listen to her? She is nice and has been helping me a lot.' I mentally answered back, ignoring the women next to me and the world around me.

'She just wants you to think that she cares about you so she can put you back down like everyone else in your life. You need to kill her and anyone else that gets in your way.' The voices started to give me a horrible headache as the spoke. 'After all, she did say to listen to us. We have the best intentions for you.'

The voices slowly started to fade and I was brought back into reality. I shook my head a little and was met with the confused face of the women sitting next to me. I looked down at the knife and smiled, I then looked back to the women whos eyes widened and started to back away. I gave her no time to run before I jumped onto her and plunged the knife into her. I kept doing the same thing over and over again until the women fell limp and didn't get up.

I slowly got off of the women and sat beside her. Blood was all over the women and the same could be said about me. Blood was pouring out of the woman's body and soaked my clothes even more. I smiled as I played with the knife in my bloodied hands. This was so much more fun than hurting myself, this gave me more joy, this made me feel so much more alive.