Lullaby

Chapter 1- The dreams

I closed my eyes and began to dream, allowing myself to fully relax for the first time in months. Now I should probably explain that when I dream I tend to do one of three things: dream of people I care about either happy or dead, I dream of disaster, pain or suffering… or I simply don’t dream at all, lovely isn’t it? However for some strange reason, tonight was different… my dream began with a flash of bright white light, then I began to walk in a forest with a plain white sky, surrounded by trees that were filled with cherry blossoms, which happened to be my favourite flower.

  I noticed that I was bare foot, in a knee high length white dress which had red swirls curling and twisting along the hem, my brown hair was long and down to my shoulders, my face clear of any makeup but my hazel eyes were twinkling with pure joy, I felt totally at peace here which was something most uncommon in my life. As I strode deeper into the forest I noticed that the trees were no longer covered in cherry blossoms but had autumn encrusted leaves falling gracefully, spiralling and twirling in the air as if dancers before gracefully landing to the floor, ‘Strange’ I thought to myself.

  I could barely fight the urge to turn around to witness the transition between the seasons in my dream, but as I turned around I was taken by surprise to find a river had taken its place… but on the other side of this river,was a boy, but not any boy, this had been the boy that had been haunting my dreams since I was little, and where he usually appeared… my nightmares usually followed. He didn’t look much older than 17, 18 maybe? But as I focused my gaze upon his face I was instantly draw to his eyes, they told me that he was much older than he appeared, that he was somehow saddened. They were the colour of midnight, mixed with the shining radiance of a lightened sapphire, they entrance and bewildered me… but I managed to avert my gaze to take a look at the rest of him, I noticed he was wearing a black tank top, short shorts and what as really shocking was the fact wore nothing on his feet? His voice then startled me to attention,

 “Are you going to window shop all day, or am I going to get a decent conversation out of you” his voice was like a song, a lullaby, soothing and calm, his mouth began to pull into the most gorgeous smile I had ever seen! “Wait there I’ll be right over!” he exclaimed and that’s just what he did, he made his way through the shallow jewel like waters before stopping dead in front of me, I must have had either a mock outrage expression or pure confusion for he traced his thumb along the bottom of my chin before saying “Don’t look so surprised, it’s not like you haven’t seen me before” the sentence seemed so strange yet caught my attention and I ended up frowning at this boy, he sounded so confusing, but all he did was laugh before taking me in his familiar yet warm embrace, so in return I raised my arms and hugged him back before leaning my head in his chest and sighing, I didn’t want to leave, I didn’t want to leave him for some reason “Soon Jen,Soon” and with that I let my eyes close and drift away.

  When I opened my eyes again I was saddened to find that the boy had gone and I was back in the same boring cream coloured walls with the same baby pink curtains that my mother had bought in hopes of me becoming one of those ‘princesses’ and ensuring I stay that way, I looked left to see the same scarlet red carpet that had worn away with time. I sat up half expecting the boy to somehow be near me but as it would happen… he wasn’t, well of course he wasn’t but a girl can dream cant she? I got out of bed, throwing the covers almost completely over the other side before heading straight for the shower thinking that it would bring me to my senses somehow. The water was cool and refreshing, just the thing I needed before college today, it would be the first day back after a long time off of recovery, rather depressing really. Upon returning to my room I noticed that the time was 7:15am I still had time before my alarm went off, so I reached to the side of it and flicked the switch to turn it off before stretching and deciding on what to wear.

  I ended up settling on a pair of baggy denim jeans, black vest top and my grey Adidas hoodie. It wasn’t sexy or attractive but it would do for today, throwing my hair up into a messy bun I made my way downstairs to a very pissed off looking father.

“ Morning” I chirped hoping to lighten his mood when I saw the piece of A4 he had clamped between his fingers ‘Ahh shit… report slip’ I thought but squeezed a smile on my face “what’s up” I asked, hoping to play the dumb card.

“You know perfectly well what’s up young lady!” he bellowed waving the paper in his hands “You’re failing English, maths and science! Those subjects are crucial if you want to get into a decent university!” I felt rage burning inside of me… how could he have forgotten all that’s happened? I ended up slamming my hands on the kitchen table making him jump in return

“In case you have forgotten or didn’t even notice… I haven’t been to college in these past few months; I have been doing damn therapy, counselling and whatever the hell I’ve missed out!! It’s not like I did it on purpose!” my chest was heaving at the moment, the rage was subsiding to the guilt that was building for what I had to say next “mom died three months ago mind. In the accident. The one that nearly killed me too. But no I suppose you and the college don’t give a damn about that part” I was really hurting him now, I could tell… but I was so angry about it all that I needed to lash out “I’m sorry, it’s just so hard” I looked up at his face and he knew I was right, knew he had done something stupid and careless, but three months ago my mother Victoria and I were involved in a fatal car accident that killed her instantly but left me half dead and badly wounded crushed in the car, In the hospital they said it was a miracle that I had survived, that someone upstairs must have been watching over me, but it didn’t stop me wishing it was me and not her… that I should have died in her place, that it was all my fault.

“ Jen, I know… I know… I just want you to have the best out of life, I know we could have asked for the work to be delivered to the house or something… but I just… don’t want to relive what happened… what could have happened…I want to forget… but I know I can’t… I know I’m being irrational and pushy over something stupid… but know that I love you ok? And I don’t want anything to ever happen to you…” he trailed off and I felt a lump stir in my throat, I had to remember this was just as hard for him as it was for me, he lost the love of his life and nearly lost his only child, I decided to leave it at that… I grabbed my already packed bag and ran for the door before turning around to say,

 “I know dad… I know… I’ll try to do better and catch up… it’s important to me too, I’ll try to do better, I promise… “And with that, I left for college, the air was icy and it etched patterns into my delicate skin… I don’t know why I had to shout at my father about the accident, did he not understand? He didn’t care… I was sure of it, there was no way any normal parent would have had a go at his daughter about grades when she had been lying in a hospital bed for almost two months… the thoughts sickened me, it wasn’t right. I didn't care how much he was hurting after I left, he needed to be told that he wasn’t the only bloody person hurting over mom, did he blame me? Did he seriously think it was my fault? If that was the case he should be pointing the finger at that bastard whom we hit. Shaking my head to clear it of the thoughts of college I quickly began to think about college dreading the gossip, the girls… the boys… but most of all I was dreading the sympathetic eyes that would follow and pity me.