"Am I Dead to You?"

Chapter 5: Sea

       I've been sitting in the sandy beach for hours just staring at the ocean and feeling a cold breeze hit my face as my hair flows back. Billions of thoughts rushing through my head, little voices calling out for me telling me things like "Do it! Do it! No one's here to stop you! You know you want to do it! Who's telling you to not, or to stay with them? No one..." or things like "Don't do it! What will your mom think of it? She'll want you to stay and fix this for your own good. Good things will happen in your future if you stay. Everything will turn out okay, I promise." At this point I don't know what to do.
       I slowly get up and rush to the water, letting myself slowly disappear underwater. I slowly fall deeper in the ocean, to the point where I can't see the surface. All of the hopes of everything getting better is slowly fading away, just like I am. I can't swim back to the surface since I'm too weak to even try. "When there's hope, then comes disgrace." There were times when I thought that everything would get better, times when I slept on the streets trying to go to sleep but kept on crying. Times when I've missed my mother and father, my best friend. Nothing would get better, no matter how hard I'd try to fix it.
       The world has always been the same, everything is the same thing but just has its own name, like all us humans, were all the same but just with names. All of us have feelings. And I have been beating to the point that I want to end my pain and feelings.
       I wish that you would love me. At least to have someone be here with me to love me and help me throughout all these hard times. I'm so sorry, Louis, for hurting you so bad. I hope you find someone better, to love you better, but my hearts on fire for your love, I wish that you would notice my feelings towards you—my true feelings. I guess it's too late now. The thing is that I need you right now, I need you to save me. This urge in me is telling me to go back! You're my everything and without you I'm nothing but a speck of dust.
       I was choking on the water, trying to swim back to the surface but I have no strength left, I guess this is the end. When I feel like nothing and just want to disappear, I think about you and what we can be. I slowly close my eyes and sink further down the deep, cold ocean.
       Comparing myself to others was my every day, thinking that I was no better. Turns out I just wanted to become the best again so I looked deep down in my heart and knew I need you, you were always in my heart. Now I feel empty because you gave me the best of me, but now you've gone against me and now I want to be gone forever.

       "Keira! Keira!" These voices in me won't stop but why can't I see anything? Why do I see reflections of myself? Is his what it feels like to be dead? If it is then I'm glad, I won't be bothered by anyone, if I get lonely who cares? "Keira! Wake up! Wake up!" I see my reflection slowly fading away.
       Now all I see is the bright sun hitting my face which makes my eyes squint. I feel this liquid rushing up my trachea and out of my mouth which then makes my eyes widen. I get up and see the clear sea in front of me, I was confused? How did I get here? Who saved me?
       I looked to my right and see a girl, a beautiful, attractive girl. She had bright emerald eyes and red hair. She seemed nice, I guess? "What happened?!" She says as she looks at me worriedly. "N-nothing, I have to go." I then rush out he sandy beach and leave to go to my house.
       How did all of this happen? She couldn't have swum all the way down there to save me? No one could survive going down there, but the real question is "why would she save a stranger?" I had so many questions that I didn't realize that I was about to bump into someone, and with that I fell to the ground and looked up just to see Louis. Why all of a sudden, when I was drowning and saying things like that, I needed him and that he was my everything? I hate him so much; he wasn't there to save me.
       I was sitting on the ground and he didn't mind to help me up, instead he looked at me and walked right past me. I sat there with my wet clothes on in disbelief, it was already 6 pm, the dark blue sky made it seem dark , the stars were peaking its way through the fading sunlight. It made it really chilly outside; I didn't have any spare clothes with me because I thought I would've been gone by now. The cold breezy air kept hitting my wet, soggy clothes which made my teeth chatter every second since it was very cold.
        Once I arrived home I went inside and took a warm bath and found some clothes laying on my bed. I looked around frightened by the sudden witness, I was sure no one was home because I had no one left to be here with me. I put the thoughts to the side and began changing into the clothes that were left for me to change in.
        I wasn't in the mood to eat and nor was I hungry so I grabbed and apple from the fruit bowl and ate while I went out for a walk and there I saw him, Louis, standing on the edge of a building with his arms out as if he was going to fall backwards.
        I stood there in disbelief, "What was he doing" I thought as I threw the apple on the floor and went inside the tall building as if my life depended on it. Yes, I hated him for what he did and didn't do. Yes, I needed him but he wasn't there for me. Yes, I also loved him even though I hated him.
        I rushed quickly up to the rooftop of this building that seemed like it had thousands and thousands of floors, once I arrived up there, I quietly hoped that he hadn't jumped or else's I'll have no choice but to never forgive myself.
        When I arrived to the top, I saw him curled up, silently crying to himself. I pitied him; I knew how he felt, but the thing that I didn't know was why he crying? He had no reason to cry, or so I thought. I went up to him and asked him why he was crying and what was he doin up here? I played dumb so he wouldn't be that mad at me.
        He looked up at me and was shook, I knew why he was because of the incident that happened a while ago. I sat next to him as he followed me with his gaze, I brushed his tears away and told him that he could trust me on this one. Although he had hurt me multiple times? I still forgave him for everything. Yeah, he had betrayed me and made everyone go against me but that hasn't stopped me from being his one and only true friend.
        He gave me a weak smile and said, "Why are you still here?" I was a little unsure if it was supposed to offend me or not or not but I answered, "What do you mean?" He looked back at the floor while still hugging his knees. "I mean what are you still doing here talking to me after everything I have done to you" he said it in a low voice because he was still crying a little, I could tell he felt guilty for doing all of this to me. "What if you were gone because of me? What would I do instead of feeling guilty for the cause of your disappearance?"
        I looked down at my feet after he said that. I knew that I was very close of committing suicide and here I am talking with he boy that's supposed to be my enemy, about what he would do I I were gone. I didn't tell him anything about how I swim all the way to the sea and almost drowned until I woke up near the shore with that mysterious red-haired girl. It's a good thing that he hasn't brought up that he saw me soaked and wet.
        Suddenly we heard a loud noise coming from the road. We slowly peaked down and heard the ambulance siren go off and some cop cars rushing down a block away towards the car accident. "Hey, how come I saw you all soaked and wet a while ago?" Oh, shit how am I supposed to dodge this question? I shouldn't've thought anything. "Well um-I was at the beach with a friend of mine and j forgot to bring some spare clothing and went in the water with my clothing" I awkwardly laugh when I see that he's trying to tell if it was a lie or not.

        Once we heard that they have taken care of the situation, we carefully go back to the main exit  or main entrance-whatever you want to call it. I got to be honest, I was happy that I was finally talking to him again. I could tell he was happy too.
        We had finally crossed the streets that separated the large building from our street. The neighborhood was usually loud but this time there was complete silence, I felt a cold shiver that ran throughout my spine. I trembled a little which Louis then noticed. "Is everything alright? You got a little quite just now." I slightly nod and get lost in my thoughts again.
        I was nervous and anxious when we reached my house, I stop my steps and form a fist with my hands, Louis noticed my sudden actions so he holds my right hand tightly. "It's fine, whatever is going on, I'm here," his lips form a small smile and signals me to go inside my house with him.
        I went ahead and went inside while holding his hand, each time I got closer to the front door, my grip became tighter; he didn't mind since he knew how scared I was. I walked up the front stairs and faced the door.
        When I slightly went to go open the door, the door swung open before I could even touch the door knob. I flinched and jumped back which made me fall over but shockingly Louis caught me before I hit the ground and fell off the stairs, I quickly got up without looking at him and thanked him for catching me. He slightly nodded before telling me to go inside the house.
         I stepped in and immediately, the atmosphere became cold, I observed my surroundings looking at pictures of me and my family. Thinking of good times we had before things became like what they are. I felt a tear streaming down my cheek without knowing it while I keep lightly touching each picture on the walls and having memories throughout each picture.
        I felt a hand touch mine; I shot my head right up and saw Louis observing some of the pictures while intertwining his hand with mine. I didn't notice but a slight smile formed on my lips while I thought of what he might be thinking as of right now.
        I couldn't deny the fact that I still felt the same towards him, what else could I do? I knew that eventually I'll get heartbroken but, that doesn't matter right now. I rushed upstairs to my room to find everything gone? I let go of his hand and rush to my closet to find nothing but a box , I grabbed it and found a letter in it. I collapsed to the ground and began to cry my heart out.
        Louis then ran towards me, "Keira! What's wrong?! Are you alright," I couldn't speak at the moment? I was too sad to even speak, it left me speechless to find nothing but a letter. "It's not fine," I thought as I remembered everything I did. Was it worth it? I tried everything to make things better but I end up ruining my life even more by thinking what I do is the right thing. Where did everything I do, go? Why did it lead me towards here? It's not fine. I'm not fine. This isn't fine. Nothing was ever fine.