Spoken

Week 1

10/14/2012

Life has a funny way of grabbing you and throwing you 'till you don't know what to think and how to think because you're brainwashed into thinking that you MUST be popular if you are going to have any sense of achievment and when you get there you realize that there really isn't anything special about you and people will still treat you like crap and still hate you and you won't be smart enough or pretty enough and you'll always be that girl in the corner who is awkwardly funny and will never have a boyfriend because she isn't a pretty blonde but is actually a curvy hispanic not a mexican like everyone thinks she is and she is actually smarter than you think she just comes off stupid because she is saracastic and people don't get that or get that she isn't going to dumb herself down because thats what you like and it ruins her inside because she thinks thats what people what and she just wants to be loved but she won't because she has spoken.

-Me

10/15/2012 4:21pm

You wanna know how freaking unselfish I am? Soo freaking unselfish! I mean seriously, I'm giving tips to the boy who I had a major crush on and is now dating my best friend. How I didn't think of this before, I don't know! I deserve a medal or something. I should write a freaking survival guide on how to be the friend who gives love advice without ever having her own boyfriend. 16 and a junior and I've never even had a first kiss. Unless you count that time when a dog attacked me. It just kind of sucks. I think I'm too honest and won't dumb myself down for anyone. I wish I would just so I can have someone there to hold hands with. Well I already do that with people but still. What I honestly think it that people like blondes. I can't help that i have curly brown hair and I'm tan and have a bigger ass than most girls. It just sucks, you know?

8:18pm

I feel like no one listens to me. Like ever. My mother pisses me off with her yelling. I was driving and about to turn into the soccer park. I was moving up and my mom started screaming at me. I screamed back about how i wasn't turning. I really was. I won't ever admit it though.I just feel that I sort of broken. I just feel sluggish and that so much needs to be done and it makes me paranoid. I really believe that I'm going to break down one day. Everything is just going to break through and I'll cry and not be able to stop. But it hasn't happen yet. Yay.

Fuck this.

10-16-2012 8:35pm

I just went beserk trying to find this pair of jeans that went 'missing' in my house. Turns out, it was in my bag in the hallway. This whole time. I'm freaking crazy. My mother should be a motivational speaker. The speeches she gives my sister on a daily bases are very empowering. It usually goes something like this:

Mom: go study

Sis: okay

-20mins later-

Mom: why arent you studying? I know you want to have fun and do other stuff but school comes first. Do you want me to take everything away from you? Yeah i'm pushing you but I wished someone pushed me. My parents didnt care. I got where I was because I wanted something for myself.

Encouraging right? My mother and sister are fighting about my sisters test. She forgot to put her name on the paper. Wow.

10-18-2012 9:43 pm

Have you ever felt so lost and out of control? Every time I have a little over the top emotion, I start to cry. I hold things to personal and try not to be sad and it makes it worst. I just want to cry and sob. Example: i guess i'm kinda clingy. I feel like ever since my sister cane to highschool, she has been taking over my life because she's not close to her own friends and I have to share and I've just felt lost and since my father left to VA i feel like I've been gang up on and alone. I just want to cry and I had this big outburst on why I have to share my friends and I started to cry and my mother goes "there she goes again." I cant help that I cry and sob and I just don't know. I feel crazy and she calls me crazy and I think I have a disease when I probably don't. I want something to be wrong with me so I can blame it on something. I'm just so emotional and I hate it. I hate it and myself and everything about me and I feel like a idiot and I'm ugly and this is why nobody likes me because im a fucking freak.