My desperate endeavor to find my whoever

14) Shurrup.

Erin

"So Jack's really great," I smirked.

Alex and I were the last ones out of the venue. His jacket was drowning me and I was safely tucked under his arm. He sighed at my remark about Jack; he thought I was joking.

"And this is where you bring up an embarrassing story about me." he said lazily.

"Actually, he didn't give me much to go on," I told him; he stopped. "We had a laugh at the picture I took earlier and then he started telling me how great you were, how lost you were without me...didn't have the chance to find out anything embarrassing."

He seemed genuinely surprised about that. A tiny smile formed on his face as we continued to walk back to the bus. I began to giggle when something started hitting against my bum as I walked, and I thought it was Alex's hand; turns out it was my camera, which had somehow worked its way around to my back. I quickly moved it back to my side; the pictures on this camera are beyond priceless. In all, my first night shooting was a major success. Adam didn't even need to tell me to get a move on because I was always one step ahead of him. At the end of the night, we even compared notes on shots we missed during the show that we wanted to get on another day, on the condition that the guys did the exact same again. He's so great, in fact, they all are. I've never felt so welcome in my entire life.

"You guys were great tonight," I told Alex as we got on the bus. "Better than I expected actually."

"I'm glad you approve," he replied. "Your shots are awesome, from what I've seen."

"How did yo-" I cut myself off in realisation. "Adam," I grumbled.

"Yeah, he kinda took your camera when you went to pee. He's super impressed."

I couldn't hold back the blush anymore. My cheeks suddenly got hotter as they turned a brighter shade of pink. The way Adam talks about me to everyone and the compliments I get from them are the best I've ever had; probably just the American in them feeling sorry for the poor little Brit girl. It was actually embarrassing. I often blush when I get complimented, , but never this much. I didn't know a person could blush this much!

"You're really cute when you're embarrassed."

"Shurrup." I sulk or at Least pretended to. I was letting out my inner Mancunian; it's hard to not pick up the accent when you live and study there for 3 years!

"'Shurrup'?" Alex repeated, sounding highly confused. "What the fuck is that?"

I giggled. "That's how they say 'shut up' in Manchester," I told him. "I picked up a bit of the accent while I was studying."

"Ah I see..." he said in realisation. "You never told me about that."

I shrugged. "Nothing much to tell," I stated. "Went to the University of Manchester for 3 years, studied physics and astronomy and then came back down South to be a photographer." That was all there was to it; I don't understand why he seemed so offended. "Pretty shit to be honest," I added, chuckling to myself.

"It's not shit," Alex said, but he sounded really quiet. I whipped round; he'd stopped at the kitchen area. "Erin you have an amazing degree in such a beautiful and interesting science. It's not shit at all."

"Well, it is, considering I threw away the chance to do my masters."

He gave me a puzzled look. "Why would you do that?" he asked, sounding rather like an innocent child.

I could feel the tears in my eyes already. "Alex there's something I haven't told you."

"Erin, you're scaring me." he choked, taking my hand. "Whatever it is, you can tell me."

"And you won't get angry?"

He pinky-promised; I couldn't help but giggle. I cleared my throat quietly and began to compose myself. "After my final exams in uni, my professor came to me and told me of a funded place on his masters programme, meaning I could work alongside him, as well as other physicists and astronomers in my field. It was an amazing opportunity, and I blew it." I said sadly.

"How come?" he asked in his usual innocent tone.

"You." I sighed.

Alex raised an eyebrow as he stared at me, utterly bemused by my remark. "Huh?"

"The programme meant I'd be in America a lot. That meant there'd always be the possibility of seeing you "

"I still don't understand..." Alex trailed off. "I thought you were dying to find me?"

"I was, I really was," I said quickly. "It was just...he didn't... I didn't want the possibility of us meeting, given the state I was in back then."

Alex was about to ask more questions when the guys came back from their drinking session, in a shitty bar down the road. I shook my head at him and went to my bunk, just as a very drunken Jack came over. He was slurring terribly about a girl he'd made out with, and then about me and my brilliance. I'd just pulled my bunk curtains when I noticed my phone lit up. I had a text from Alex:

Look I'm not gonna force you to tell me about it. All I ask is you talk to me tomorrow okay? Love you xx

I sent back a quick "I promise. Love you too xx" and drifted into a deep sleep.

*

The next morning I awoke to find Alex looking at me from his own bunk. I sent him a weak smile, which he returned.

"Morning." He said quietly.

"Morning," I repeated. "Wanna go for some breakfast?"

He nodded. We both got up and changed into clean clothes, and we walked hand in hand to this 'amazing' diner Alex had told me all about. It took us barely 5 minutes to get there, get seated and order. As the waitress walked away, I took Alex's hand.

"I'm sorry for last night." I said glumly."That wasn't the time to bring it up; I should've waited."

"Hey, don't worry." He soothed. "I'm just glad you brought it up sooner rather than later."

I sent a small smile his way. Now I just had to find the nicest way to tell him I was a fuck up. As much as I wanted to tell Alex the truth, and as much as he wanted it, I didn't want to drive him away. I didn't want him to think I was a total freak. I'd began to figure out how to tell him when our food came, so that distracted him for a good while.

"Ugh." He groaned. "This looks fucking amazing."

"But the real question," I said. "The real question is does it live up to the standards of the full English?"

Alex rolled his eyes. "Nothing's ever as good as England." he chuckled. "I'm not that easily distracted y'know."

"Huh?" I said through a mouthful of bacon and fried egg.

"You know what." Alex murmured.

Even though I was still full of food, I sighed loudly. "Fine," I mumbled. "But Alex, what I have to tell you is really sensitive. You can't breathe a word to anyone. Swear?"

"I swear on Tom," Alex said, barely above a whisper. "And we both know how much he means to us."

Just like Alex, I started to tear up. Even the mere mention of Tom made me emotional, ever since Peter told me about what happened. We were so close, the three of us, even though Tom was quite a bit older than me and Alex. But, no matter the age gap, nothing stopped the bond between the two brothers. They were inseparable, like twins. After another mouthful, I finally found at least some courage to tell Alex.