worthy (one-shot)

worthy

Am I worthy? I don't know, people say that I'm a good guy thats always in good mood. Yeah I could be cheerful but not that many see the pain behind my smile or what I'm feeling. I don't let anyone get to see my real emotions .
But there one person who was able to see it through and that was hitomi yahiro a girl that's a little bit more shorter than me with light bronze skin tone that make her dark brown hair with blond highlights shows more of her beautiful  dark brown pupils which I get lost staring at all the time. Her face is so angelistic that is unreal she still has her baby face but its fuse with a mature one getting that perfect face of her, her beautiful smile could enchant you by just seeing it shes just perfect.

And then Its me yahiko yuki. Just an average guy with dark hair and eyes, light tan skin and that's it's only 5, 7 tall yeah I'm just that compare to her. And guess what were dating. Yeah you heard right that beautiful woman is my girlfriend and I'm really proud to be able to call her that. You see she an I didn't start well. We had a bunch ups and downs that has damage our relationship to the point of breaking up almost every week. It was hard I'm not going to lie we weren't used to each other like that if you ask me after our 4 month together we had those problems and it didn't stop till the 8th month. Yeah 4 month straight of fighting, break ups and ah yeah you get the point.

Hitomi for me is more than just my girlfriend. She my partner, my friend, my confident. Shes my everything. She means the world to me. I legit would do anything just to see her beautiful smile and feel proud to be the reason of that smile. She always has my back and wants the best for me and so do I but theres one thing that makes us have problems her way of thinking and the way she expresses things. You see she has a different mind set of mines and that's totally normal and I'm not going to lie, her way thinking is more mature than mine which is alright you know because she could think the best solution to any problem right away which is one of many abilities that she has. I on the other hand, I'm more layed back person with some stuff but not all the time. And I'm really impulsive most of the time but I never give up I think that's one of the reason why she likes me.

After all the problems that we had due to some inner conflict that she had, hitomi started to suffer from anxiety and you know something, seeing her all weak like that, crying and suffering for no reason and with out control over herself,  made my heart ache. Like I said before shes my world. To me she means everything and seeing her like that killed me little by little I didn't know what to do and even though she suffer from anxiety we were able to get closer again. I never left her side when she needed me even when I felt bad like shit I had to gather energy from anywhere just to appear that I'm okay so she could feel the same vibe I always tried making her happy so she could forget about her problem which it worked for a while. Out of all the girlfriends I had, hitomi was the first one to make me weak and vulnerable to anything but also strong enough to pick myself up when I'm down, shes my strength and one of my pillars to continue moving forward. She really makes me happy and I want to do the same with her but sometimes I think I'm not worthy enough to that

Shes an amazing person that will bring you joy if treated right but sometimes the way she express herself it's like a double edge knife it could cut you or cut herself because it make her misunderstood which I'm still trying to see the even point so I could understand her better. Like I said before the way she says and express can be misunderstood and could generate problems between us.
If only she would just say right the thing she wants to say everything would get better even me to be honest but lately I've seen her off

You know that feeling of trying and trying but you don't receive any credit about it, yeah that's how I'm feeling lately. Shes my world but theres sometimes that her attitude and her expression shows the opposite. Sometimes it makes me feel unwanted and that's she doesn't values me as i am. Its hard to explain but you know something I'm a really caring person I want the good and happiness of others, I'm a very emotional person that likes to show off what make me happy, but she isn't, she doesn't like that. She doesn't shows me off to her friends and family. Shes really reserve for that but that makes me think that she hiding me for some reason. It's like she doesn't want anyone to know that shes with someone and that makes me doubt about myself because I feel that I'm not at her level that I'm not enough for her to show me to the world that shes with me. That makes sad and wonder why she does that. I over think thing alot and you know someone could make anything up as of why she does that. Its like shes embarrass of me and it hurts to feel like that because I show her off to my family and friends i talk about her all the time yet i don't know if her friends knows I exist. And finally it's the communication, we started to lose it alot, we barely talk anymore shes with her family in a road trip and I totally understand that ya know. Working and studying at the same time could get a hand of you and specially if you suffer of anxiety and she hasn't seen her family in a long time. I'm okay with that ya know it's alright for me because I want the best for her but it also makes me sad because shes going to miss my birthday I haven't told her anything yet because I don't want to ruin her distraction but it hurts to know that I'm not going to spend my birthday with the person I love the most that means everything to me. And it annoys me to hear my brothers say that she left me alone on my birthday. I just stay quite because they don't know the truth and I'm not planning to tell them either. But not gonna lie. Sometimes I wonder what I am to her? what do I mean for her? It's hard to bring that topic up because we always end up arguing and I don't want that. I care alot for her. I don't know what would happen if something happens to her.

I know shes with her family so I try my best not to bother her and give her the space she need but I do want to know if shes okay or what shes doing talk during the day when she can or at least tell me that your going to be busy but she just leaves me on read or doesn't answer me. Ignoring me in the process and it hurts, it hurts like a mother fucker because I get worried and start to think many thing in  my mind that something might happen. I'm not asking to text me every second. I just ask for her to check in say that shes okay or what shes going to do and with who shes hanging out ya know but she doesn't do that. It make me feel unwanted and not important. I know she has other things to do and that I'm not the first thing for her like she is for me but I don't know to be honest. I'm starting to feel that I'm not worth her time that I'm just holding her back. That she deserves someone that she could actually be happy to show of and not scare what other people think
It's hard ya know but it got to the point that I think I'm not worthy for her. It huts me say and realize all of this being second on everything. I just wish she could see that I could be more than I already am that little by little shes pushing me away and I won't be standing here forever waiting for her to notices it. I do love hitomi and I want a future with her but I also want someone that will not be ashame to be with someone like me.

I said before and I'll say it again. Hitomi is the women of my dreams the one I want to spend the rest of my days with. She means the world to me and I would do anything for her smile
I hope she opens her eyes soon I'm worried and scared that it's going to be too late when she opens her eyes and see what's wrong because im already hurt and im little by little stepping back from the place I am but one thing I hope is that I could be worthy enough to be able to make her happy

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Hello guys well this one shot is different from the rest of my books
I hope you guys enjoy it please leave a comment if you feel related cause I'm sure I was. thank all of you and hope you guys have a Happy New Year to all thank you again.