I have the urge to run as much as I can ,the urge to feel the wind playing recklessly with my flaxen hair,to feel the hot touch of the sand caressing my feet,to hear the groaning of the waves as they race to the beach.
I want to be free;no responsibilities no boundaries nothing just numbness, quiet , peace...
I want to feel joy and happiness,to feel like a child again unconscious unburdened completely absorbed by little,silly things.
I would have never known that such thoughts would cross my mind when I was a child.
Now,I sense a weight in my shoulders that makes it difficult to straighten them.The reason of my sadness is unknown to me.I keepan analyzing my feelings,trying to understand my sorry state and even though I sometimes stumble upon suspicious findings I hastily wave them away.
Little by little,I am building back my identity.What I've found so far are little crumbs of who I am.Does that mean I should be sorry for myself or does it mean that I should be thankful for what little things I've found so far ?
The answer is not clear yet to me and I truly wish that it will be ,someday...
Beforeknowingthetrue meaning of loss i lost it all
how ironic and how unnerving to be so frail and vulnerable when i just want to be strong and proud of who i am.that's why i let go of the sweet things ,things i thought everybody needed.i gave up love for instance,and now i'm not even seeking it like i was before now i'm building a wall that prevents me from getting attached to others and if by some unfortunate event someone gets close i'll shutimout
he'll never know that he's speaking to a stone only that that stone refuses to badge or laugh when it's supposed to.
beginning from now on i will be free and no one will hurt me ever again
i walked as slowly as i could,not wanting to be there,dreading it in fact.
i didn't want to go to some godforsaken nauseating orphanage
how could my family or what was left of it anyway abandon me and not want to care for me? Was I so very naughty or so very ugly?Even if it was true i needed them now more than ever.I lost my parents and my sister.Wasn't that Hard enough for one person to handle.Was I meant to live in complete misery for the rest of my life?Was I destined to?
I had been so absorbed by my thoughts that before I knew it I had reached my destination. Don't get me wrong it was a beautiful place.In fact it was the most renowned orphanage in the whole country.The building was absolutely gorgeous,sleek and elegant,with french doors,crystal chandeliers,expensive furniture,exquisite paintings and my favourite part,the rose gardens.This place was like a castle straight out of the sweetest fantasy.The teachers and most certainly the headmistress were another story. I pushed silently the door leading to the servants' section and was immediately arrested by the wonderful smell of food.Our personal chef ,Mr Wizz,was brilliant.His meals were to die for.He was replacing our Mme DuVau,who had had an accident the previous year.I secretly hoped that she wouldn't be able to return to her post.Her culinary skills weren't as good as our present prodigy.
As if sensing my presence,he stopped whisking the cream and turned fully to look at me with mischief in his eyes.
-Are you hiding Bella?What? Afraid of the wolves?
I flinched at his choice of words.
-No,I rolled my eyes so that he'd get the message to back off
There are things you should know about our cook.
1) He's beautiful
2)He's infuriating
3)He adores to criticise everything I do
4)I'd like to kill him because I swear he's insane !
And 5)He's my brother figure.See,I heard that a brother was supposed to anger you all the time,tell everyone about the stupid things you did,tease you relentlessly and last but not least make you miserable.So I'm pretty sure it's justified to say he plays the part really well.
It's really not his fault that he's all of those things and more .After all he's the spitting picture of his perfect mother who happens to be the headmistress ,and to my biggest grief ,my self appointed prosecutor.
