We can't even be in the same Room

Room 1

So we can't even be in the same room...

It hurts you know...everything that happened

you stripped me from my dignity

you made me struggle to find love

you...

you hurt me and I now can't be fixed

I wake up, it's January 6th at 7:30, I reach to grab my phone to call detective Amber and tell her I don't want to write my statement. With her delicate voice on the side of the phone, she convinces me to write it...

but I can't

Endless nights of insomnia, I just can't do it...I try to explain to her why I can't do it. I could hurt all the people around me by the change of mood, the change of feeling, the change of heart. After spending a whole year trying to change everything about me and trying to forget it.

It's back

Your voice replays like an endless nightmare that I can't wake up from. Pictures from the past fill my head and shake me. Her voice started to turn into an underwater mumble and I give in... She tells me that she'll run it past my mum. I got up feeling helpless, open the door to feel a gash of wind brush against my face to wake me up. I enter into my mum's room to tell what I said to the detective and walked straight out not giving her enough time to process an answer. I lay on my bed and let it sink me the same way I let you sink into ruining my mind, my mental state. My mum walks into my room slowly opening the door and sits on the edge of the bed. "why did you change your mind" I try to find the simplest way to tell her that you broke me and I can't go and talk about you anymore.

I know it been a year since it happened but I can't bring myself to do it. "I can't talk about what happened, I don't want to" all I ever hear is "you could be helping so many girls" but a year ago when it happened...

no one believed me

and now that the police are involved that's when they start to believe me. Are you kidding me? it's pathetic. As mum tries to convince me to just write I give in. I've had enough, you got to please the family right?

She leaves my room and calls the detective. I lay in my bed and rest my eyes hoping that this will be all a nightmare and it will end. I wake up and turn over to look at my phone. 11 am. Shit, that's a long sleep. I get up and cuddle my cat looking for some comfort. As I walk through the corridor of my house I can't help but feel I've just turned into a disappointment. I sit on the sofa and turn on the tv I struggle to watch the movie I had picked. All I can think of is...

You

And what happened. It stuck there, it will forever be there. I tried to familiarise myself with this...all of this but I struggle... I don't want to remember I don't want this satisfaction of you hurting me

I don't want you to have your way like you always did

you may have always had your way with me when we were together but this time you won't

"what do you want to eat?" as mum sat on the chair. The loud squeak snapped me out of my daydream. "hm?" I looked at the floor however being fully aware that she was talking to me "I'm feeling Thai food what do you what?" I looked at her "just the normal chicken pad thai" she flicked through her phone and saw and clicked. As I watched the movie, my boyfriend, Christian, popped up. I texted him saying that I'm now doing it again.

What do you mean you are doing it again?

I'm writing a statement now at 5 pm. The detective and my mum said that it's better if I just do it not leaving me a choice.

He was the only one that supported me throughout this decision. He had understood why I couldn't bring myself to talk about it. I just wished my mum understood the same way he did

Just tell them you don't want to do it

well what's been done is done I can't change anything now

*Fast forward*

4 pm. Ugh I have to get ready. I wear an aqua polka dot blouse with a knot and white ripped jeans and top it off it I wear the aqua shoes that my boyfriend had bought me for Christmas last year. I fixed my hair in a top-knot hairdo. I sent a picture to Christain before I left. As always, he hypes me up.

Looking amazing as perusal, You'll do great I know you will I love you.

I love you more.

4:30. I sit in the car nervous about what I'm going to say. I need to tell the truth but if I do my mum will get hurt and use it against me later. Every time I talk about something that involves my mum it turns into a game and she is the boss level that is impossible to beat because nothing can ever satisfy her. She tries to make me laugh as an awesome mum does but for some reason, my mind is fixated on you.

We wait for the detective to come down to collect us. As she approaches us, she welcomes us with a warm smile and a firm handshake. She takes us up in an elevator and into 'Interview Room 1' and I sit on the chair closest to her and mum sits on the chair right beside me. She tells me that she is friendly and everything that is said in that room stays in that room (not like it will go anywhere) She begins off in asking many questions about you, me and our love life... that's if you ever did love me. It is safe to say that our story was quite a rollercoaster I mean after all you did cheat on me. I continued to talk as wrote things down being very careful with what I say since I knew Mum would get the shits if I ever to say that she yelled at me or didn't believe me because being a rational mother is (according to her) being a bad mother

I know my mother is a good person and I know what she does is best for me however she can be overdramatic sometimes and I don't blame because I can be too, It's genetic. I continued my story as I reached a certain part of the story, the part where you stripped my dignity away, I couldn't say it in front of my mum...I don't know why I just couldn't bring myself to say it in front of her. So I asked her to leave and she wasn't too happy about it. I told her everything that happened in detail so that you could be hurt just the way you hurt me. When I had to mention what happened after my mum had found out what had happened...I made a very poor decision

I told the truth...

You see I lie because I need to protect people and not many people understand that. But I get why I'm struggling to get people to understand, lying isn't the ideal thing to do to people you love.

Detective Amber told my mum that she could come back in and listen to the rest of my story. I felt this pure disappointment shed over the atmosphere. I said everything that happened because I remember that conversation as if it was yesterday yet mum didn't believe that any of that had happened. As per usual, she made it look like I was a delusional five years old.

As we got into the car, I felt like I couldn't breathe the same way you strangled me against that wall. But you don't show the true feelings to the ones you love because you don't want them to worry. Mum asked if I wanted to eat and for the first time in a while, I had lost my appetite to eat. I felt disgusted in my own body because of you.

I went into my room without saying a single word and just slept. I slept my entire life away waiting for it all to be over because you have destroyed my walls and destroyed me as a person. You polluted my brain, you flooded my memories, I want you to leave my existence.

My room reminds me of you and this is no longer my safe room...