Skulduggery Pleasant One Shots

Sinistre Sangfroid

The man leaped through the lush trees with the grace and precision of a coordinated monkey. He resisted the sudden urge to cackle at how exhilarating the activity was since he was attempting to be stealthy. A dramatic entrance would be key to his first impression. Having reached the meeting point, he front-flipped off a particularly high branch and landed directly in front of the man who hired him. He gave an extravagant bow, waving his hand down in front of him. Sangfroid brought his head up, tousled golden hair catching the light, and gave his mysterious employer his trademark smirk. Impatient tapping filled the air as the other man looked up from his watch.

"You," he spat out. "Are late." Sangfroid straightened out, brushed the creases out of his mud brown coat and gave his eyes a dramatic roll. He observed the other, admiring his black trench coat and captivating eyes.

"Better late than never," he smoothly replied. "Why exactly, did you call me here?"

"I have an assignment for you," Sangfroid nodded, indicating for him to continue. "I want you to get rid of Saracen Rue."

"I understand," Sinistre simply stated before leaping back up into the trees, leaving the company of the man with the golden eyes.

Sangfroid shifted the sword and gun attached to his waist and knocked on the apartment door. It was immediately opened to show the grinning face of Saracen Rue. He looked weary and dishevelled, suit rumpled and hair a mess. It wouldn't have surprised him if the man hadn't slept in a week. Sangfroid forced a friendly smile onto his face and invited himself in.

"How are you, Saracen?" He questioned, while taking a seat on the man's couch. Saracen seemed to relax and joined the assassin on the stained lounge.

"I'm fine, how are you?"

"I'm good, I'm good," he said mindlessly. Saracen stood up and made his way towards the kitchen. He opened the fridge and glanced back at his guest.

"Would you like a drink?" Sangfroid stiffened. Does Saracen know? He could be trying to poison him, but if he doesn't take the drink, he would seem suspicious.

"Tea please," he chimed, working the same lazy grin back onto his face. Saracen nodded and put on the kettle. He opened the cupboards and pulled out two cups. Sangfroid heard two chinks as they were placed on the counter.

"So, what have you been up to recently?" Saracen inquired. Sangfroid shrugged.

"Organising my thoughts, going on adventures. The usual. You?"

"Not much really," he chuckled to himself. "Just watching TV and talking. Taking it easy." The kettle finished and Saracen finished making the tea. He grabbed both cups and slowly walked over to the couch, tongue out in concentration. Sangfroid tried not to laugh at the face Rue was making. Saracen finally made it to the couch and passed him the tea before sinking into the cushions with a relieved sigh. Sinistre nursed the cup for a while and took a fake sip before placing the tea on the coffee table. He turned to Saracen.

"Do you know what I'm here for?" he asked, making Saracen pause his slurping.

"No, why are you here? I would assume you were here on business, but you're not exactly employed." Sangfroid internally smirked. He didn't know.

"First, before I tell you that," he began before unsheathing his sword and holding it over Saracen's lap. "I would like to get your opinion on my sword. I recently had it polished." Rue swivelled to face him until his back was against the end of the couch. He picked the sword up, ignoring the fact that his friend was still holding the handle. He brought it up to neck height and stared at it, inspecting the level of shininess. It was a nice level of shiny; a Victorian aristocrat shiny, rather than 80's disco dancer shiny.

"It looks quite nice-" he began before Sinistre launched forwards, knocking him onto his back and cementing the weapons place, poised just in front of his neck. Saracen tried to move his arms but soon realised that he was pinning them with his feet.

"You wanted to know why I'm here."

"Dexter, what-"

"I've been hired by Erskine to get rid of you."

"I still don't under-" this time Saracen cut himself off and Dexter watched the confusion and fear in his eyes turn into realisation, widening his eyes to an unhealthy size. "Sangfroid."

"Finally! The genius figures it out! Well done, excellent, have a cookie, etcetera-"

"Fight him Dexter! You're better than this! You don't want to do this!"

"Oh please," he drawled. "You know I'm not better than this. You're not getting Dexter back."

Saracen's face hardened. "Fine. Do it. Kill me. But realise this, someone will stop you. Whatever you and Goldie are planning, will not come to fruition." Saracen declared. "You will never succeed.'

'Dexter' laughed. "I don't want to kill you. I just want to get rid of you."

Saracen paled. "Dexter no-"

"Dexter yes." he interrupted. "Come on, Saracen. I want Brother Moralis. Let him come out. Then only Skulduggery and Ghastly will be left. Once they're dealt with, we, the alter egos of the magical society's heroes, can take over the world."

"What!? No! I'd never work with you!"

"We can also bring back the Faceless Ones," Sangfroid sung, with the tone of a salesperson offering a tantalising deal.

"That just makes it worse!"

"But more appealing to Moralis, hmm?"

"Skulduggery will stop you. He doesn't have an evil alter ego. I can't hold out much longer, but I know he will stop you," Sangfroid burst out into hysterics at Saracen's feeble speech. "What's- what's s-so funny?"

Sinistre pretended to wipe away a tear of laughter. "Honey, Skulduggery doesn't have an evil alter ego? Hilarious! He has the best one. Great for killing things."

"What are you talking about?"

"Sweetie," Dexter said gently, like a parent breaking devastating news to a child. "Skulduggery's Lord Vile." Sangfroid got off Saracen, settled back into the couch and sipped his tea. Saracen wasn't going anywhere.

"No no no no no no no..." Rue muttered in pain, violently gripping the sides of his head. Sangfroid patiently waited. "That can't be true! No no no no no no! No-"

Silence. Suddenly, there was silence and Sinistre Sangfroid knew that Saracen Rue was now Brother Moralis. He turned to face his old friend, who now had a manic grin plastered across his face.

"Mission accomplished."

I wanted to write this so badly. I also need to get back into writing for when I go back to school. If anyone is confused, this is an AU where all the Dead Men have evil alter egos. My inspiration was a Tumblr post that basically went, "Imagine an AU where all the Dead Men have evil alter egos. Lord Vile needs some friends."