My Boyfriend and his Brother: The Apartment

Nine: Zach's Story, Continued All about Zach

Alone. Darkness. No one to be with me. Mother; gone. Father; gone. My only brother; never really understood me.

I was ALONE.

I woke up in the hospital. All I remembered was cutting. Blood. A scream. Darkness. Nothing. And then,

The knife.

It was an old pocket knife my father had given to me. He died a few years ago. My brother is actually my step brother. My mother was our mother, but... She's like she's dead to me. She lives in fear. Like me.

My father told me to use it for good. So I am. I'm using it to clear my emotional pain, with physical pain. I've been thinking: physical pain only lasts for seconds, and emotional pain is like weights on your shoulders. So, I cut.

It all started in first grade. I got my knife then, but it was hidden. Having found it, I accidentally cut myself. Before the find, I was depressed about my friends and their friends. They had been teasing me about my bipolar, and the 'outbreaks'. I was also claustrophobic. I was in my corner with my buddies, and I freaked. Mrs. White, my teacher at the time, calmed me, and had me sit out. My so-called 'friends' teased me at recess, and I was sad. So, when I cut myself, I 'accidentally' cut my leg. The blade got stuck, and I told dad that I had 'dropped' it. Dad fixed me up, and I went to my room. That's how I began to cut.

I was diagnosed with anxiety after my dad's death. I was worried he never went to Heaven, because he wasn't and isn't and never was a Christian. Mother calmed me, but weeks later I had hyperventilated, and so I was prescribed medication.

That's what I thought about when I woke up.