My Sweet Boy & Beautiful Boy

~Every Night~

My sweet and beautiful boy.
I think of you every day and every night. No matter how hard I try not to let you consume my thoughts, you somehow manage to find a way to break through. When I text you and ask to talk you always answer with a painful,
"What do you need?"
You ask as though I'm just looking for anyone to help me through my sadness. Do you really think I'm just someone who only seeks your attention when it's convenient to me? Am I really that low of a person to you now?
No. I come to you at night for 3 reasons only:
     First, because when I come to you in the day you're always busy or working. You tell me whenever I try to talk to you during the day that my messages are left unanswered because you are so busy and don't have time.
     Second, I think best at night. For whatever reason I love sleeping during the day and being awake at night. When I'm up during the night millions and millions of thoughts enter my mind. Not all about you, but many of them, and when this happens I think of about everything. It's both a good and bad thing. I work out my problem in life some nights, and on other nights I create a new sadness.
     And thirdly, because every night I try to break my bad habits of staying awake at night and to help me fall asleep I imagine you laying next to me. Every night I lay down in bed and imagine my back against your chest, your arms around my tummy, and your head in the crook of my neck.
I imagine your beard slights poking the back of my neck but not enough to make me itch.
I imagine having conversations with you- conversations always starting with me talking about nonsense, and ending with you telling me to be quiet so you can sleep. I try to make it as real as possible, like I see in movies and TV shows.
I end up texting you because no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I pretend it's real, I realize you're not actually with me.

Maybe in a way I do need something from you and it's possible I'm selfish for your attention. I don't know a hundred percent, but I like to think it's but me still aching for you to want me. I'm sorry if it comes off as needy, but just know this is every night. Every single time I go to bed I picture you beside me and only a couple of times in two weeks to I let myself actually text you.

Every day. Every night. I picture you.