Alice In Chains Unplugged/One Shot

Swallow Me Whole

By the time they were playing the song "Over Now", Layne was ready to go home. He had no idea the unplugged performance would take this long, and while he was having fun, he suddenly could feel his needles calling to him. He felt desperate and vulnerable. As the end of the song dragged out, he was beginning to feel a slight pain creep in. A pain that would slowly consume him if he didn't get back to his apartment soon.

When the song was over, he felt relieved, giving the crowd a thanks and walking away.

But they quickly started yelling for another song and he could feel his stomach churn, knowing his journey home would surely be delayed now. As much as he didn't want to, he looked at Jerry, questioning whether they should play another song. He knew Jerry was nervous about this performance and was watching his best friend closely the whole time. Layne didn't want him to think anything was wrong, so when Jerry sat back down, he did too, with a forced grin.

Finally, later after they left the stage, he walked away from the other guys - who were joking around, laughing, and discussing something that Layne couldn't hear and didn't care about anyways - and went to retrieve his coat and car keys. His stomach was starting to feel nauseous and he didn't want to stick around long enough to let him friends see him get sick all over the place. Right as he was about to walk out the back door, he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, man. Where you going?" Jerry looked concerned.

"Was just heading home." He was suddenly thankful of the dim lighting in the room. He didn't want his best friend to see the desperatenss in his eyes.

"Without a goodbye? Well, I was gonna ask, wanna come with me and the guys to go get a few drinks? Surely home can wait a few hours. It's been a while since we've all been able to get together and hang out!"

Layne's palms were starting to sweat. "I don't know man, maybe tomorrow night? I gotta get home, clean the place up, and do some other chores.." he drifted off, not even bothering to finish the sentence. God layne, could you think of a stupider excuse? He looked up to see a unconvinced Jerry. In fact, his expression had become stricken. There was no way jerry would believe the lie for one second, he knew exactly what was going on.

Before Jerry could say something, Sean and Mike entered the room, still laughing about whatever they were discussing a few minutes ago.

"Hey, Layne! What are you doing? Come with us to the bar!" Sean yelled over, smiling over at Mike who nodded his head in agreement.

"Nah, he isn't feeling up to going. I'm gonna head back home with him, hang out for a while. Maybe we'll all go to the bar tomorrow?" Jerry looked at layne and then over at mike and sean.

Layne could tell mike and sean also knew what was gong on. They nodded, and walked out of the room awkwardly.

"Alright buddy, you wanna go home, well I'm going with ya." Jerry gestured to Layne to head out the door and he obeyed.

They'd been in the road for a few minutes with no spoken words between the two. Layne couldn't help but feel like his friend was trying to carefully word something.

Finally, he said, "Layne, where have you been? These last three years?" Jerry looked at him, his expression pleading for an answer.

"What do you mean?" He was trying to avoid the subject, it was obvious everyone already knew what was up with Layne but he didn't feel like discussing it. In fact, he was just as disappointed with himself as everyone else was.

"Oh come on, we barely see you anymore!" He was starting to look angry. "A simple hello here and there couldn't hurt! You know how worried we are about you?" Layne could see that all of Jerry's pent up anger was finally being let out.

"Well don't be! I'm fine!"

"Obviously not! You've never looked this bad. Your killing yourself."

"You think I'm doing it on purpose!? That I choose I want to look this way? that I desire to feel this way? Besides, who'd care if I die tomorrow?" Layne looked the opposite way, feeling himself tear up.

"Me! Me, Layne! I'd care! For Gods sake, what happened to us being best friends?" He threw his hands up, angrily smacking them down onto his head, which dropped down to hang between his legs. It was killing Layne to see him this way. In some ways, it hurt more than getting dope sick. Jerry continued, "We used to be so close and now you've let that stupid needle come between you and every relationship you've ever had." His voice was getting shaky and Layne felt his stomach churn the dozenth time that night. He'd never seen Jerry this way. Sure they'd had fights before, but Jerry never looked this way.

"Look man, I'm sorry! I really am, but there's not much I can do. It's taken control of my life, and there's nothing I can do. Nothing I can do.." They'd reached Layne's apartment by now, and he sat in the parking lot with his former friend, air thick with tension, not knowing what to do or say. He was once again thankful for the darkness, not wanting Jerry to see the pain on his face, and quite frankly he didn't want to see his friends pain either.

They sat there for a while, an uneasy silence filling the gap between them. Layne's craving for the needle was becoming overwhelming at this point, and he felt as if he'd barf at any moment. His muscles were beginning to ache and his headache was out of the roof. But he used all his will power to force himself to stay with Jerry, whom looked completely crushed, the reality finally hitting him that Layne was too far gone. He didn't know what to say to Jerry, there was nothing he could think of to make him feel better. He'd let himself become another disappointment to someone he loved.

Finally Jerry looked up, barely visible wet streaks falling down his cheeks. "Look, I know I can't stop you. It pains me everyday with the thought that I might not ever see or hear from you again. I miss the old days, I really do. I-I know I can't stop you.." He repeated, looking him straight in the eye. "But know, when you finally want to give this habit up, me, sean, and mike will be at your door step, ready to help you." He reached across the space and put his hand on Laynes shoulder. Squeezing it, giving him a slight grin. Then he got out of the car, closing the door softly, and walked down to the road, looking for a taxi.

Layne watched his friend disappear around the street corner and he felt a pang strike his stomach like no other. His friend had no clue how addicted he really was. Nothing would ever make him stop.

Layne got out of the car, locking it quickly and walked frantically up the outdoor stairs, entering his two-room apartment. He made his way through the dirty laundry on the floor, knocking over a few beer bottles here and there. It was the dirtiest his home had ever been and he had no desire to clean it. In fact, he found the state of his home ironic. He felt exactly like how his apartment looked. Dirty, wasted, unkept, disgusting, gross, filthy, worthless, the list went on and on.

He hated himself. He truly hated his guts. 20 years ago he couldn't have thought up in his wildest nightmares that he would become a monster himself. When he made it to the poor excuse of a bedroom, he plopped himself down onto his mattress, and frantically reached to the TV tray for the needle. He eagerly prepared himself to be injected, and when he was ready, did it without hesitating. Instantly he could feel the same relaxing feeling he always felt, his mind clearing up, the pain in his muscles slowly retracting to the deep hells of his body. He sighed, leaning against the wall, eyes rolling to the back of his head. The drug no longer gave him the same pleasure it did years ago, when he seemed a young boy compared to the grown up, tattered old body he'd become. He needed it to stay alive, to feel normal. The same thing that was slowly killing him also kept him alive. It was swallowing him whole and Layne was certain it would never spit him back out . . .