Fake News

(Warning: This story contains inappropriate language.)

  Long ago, I lived in a place called the Valley of Peace. And no, I am not referring to the place in the Kung Fu Panda series. The Valley of Peace is a village in the U.S. that nobody cares about-- or even remembers. Ironically, the people who live here act like demons. Everyone only cares about themselves and they also seem to love arguing. And that usually leads to death battles, and our population is decreasing as a result of that. However, people weren’t always like this; instead of the frequent death battles and betrayals, they always shared things-- especially food, which we are currently lacking --and we never argued with one another. This was ten years ago, the year I arrived. My name is Mario-- Captain Mario. People often called me Captain Mario because I ended the Dragon Wars, and they made me leader ever since. The Dragon Wars lasted ten years and killed thousands of people. We unfortunately lost our food supply and our water supply when the war was in process. We didn't stand a chance against the dragons, and the only reason why the Dragon Wars ended was because of the volcano eruption. It killed all of the dragons at once. This was the moment when everyone fled the Valley of Peace and I was actually the only person who stayed witnessing it. The villagers came back a month after with new weapons, such as atomic bombs, canons, ice guns, etc. And, when they came back, they saw all the dragons were killed. I ran to them, telling them what happened. They looked like cave-man. They didn’t believe me despite the fact that there was lava everywhere. They thought that I single handley killed them all simultaneously. And yes, these guys aren’t the smartest people, so I went along with their foolish believe. Time passed, and they started treating me like I was their little bitch.    

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               “So, why do you want to flee the city without telling the others?” asked Michael, my younger brother. “Because the volcano is going to erupt, and if I stay here much longer, I doubt I’ll survive it again,” I replied. He looked at me for about a minute with a worried face. “But you survive it ten years ago, and I really think you should inform the villagers, too,” he insisted. “I was lucky that time! Do you really think God will perform another merical like that one? Of course not! Besides, those idiots will never listen to me. It’ll be a true miracle if they did.” Then I picked up my bag full of equipment I needed and looked at my brother asking, “Are you coming with me?” “Okay. I guess you have a point there, brother,” he agreed. He then went to his room to pack up. At that moment one of the villagers entered my house and asked, “So? You think were idiots, uh?” I automatically had a feeling he was about to do something stupid, so I ran to the back door. He then froze me using an ice gun. I was frozen for about an hour, or at least I thought I was because I was frozen for a long period of time. That same guy who froze me, grabbed his ice gun and unfroze me. Everyone was at the tip of the volcano, including my brother, who was all chained up. I heard someone say that they’re going to use me as a sacrifice, thinking that by doing so, they’ll stop the volcano from erupting. I wasn’t surprised though; I knew they were idiots since the day I came here. My brother cried when he heard that. Then I pushed the guy who froze me and he fell into the volcano. The volcano erupted. I immediately jumped off the volcano and closed my eyes. I closed my eyes for a good five minutes, and everyone-- including my brother -- died. The village was nearly destroyed. I was curious as to how I survived and I saw a purple force field surrounding me. And that’s when I realized that I had superpowers. My hatred for those villagers grew stronger after today. I wanted revenge. It’s one thing to treat me like I was their little bitch while calling me devilish names, but nobody tries to kill me and (accidentally) my brother and gets away with it. So I ran away from the village mainly because I knew it wasn't safe to live there anymore.
       
 It has been five years since that event occurred. I was living in the North Pole. The cold didn’t bother me and my house was an igloo. I had a lot of shit in my igloo, such as a TV, a series of paintings of my family members, a variety of weapons, and more. I grabbed a bag and a fishing rod and then walked out of my igloo to catch some fish before I start putting my fiendish plan into motion. I walked towards the ocean beside my igloo. I then dropped my bag and threw the hook of the fishing rod towards the ocean. Ironically, it took a few seconds for me to catch a fish and it usually takes five to ten minutes for me to catch one. I immediately reeled the fish upwards. The fish I caught was blue and it was the biggest fish I ever saw. I have never seen a fish like this one before. I put the giant fish in my bag and brought it to my igloo. I placed the giant fish on the table right next to my TV. “I am glad I am done with this shit,” I murmured. Then I went back outside. It took me thirty minutes for me to get to my destination. I walked towards an enormous mansion which was red and had a variety of Christmas decorations. I rung the doorbell. Nobody answered. I rung it again. Still no answer. I rung it five times and someone finally opened the door. It was an elf wearing all green and wearing a Santa Claus hat. He had a really long nose; he reminded me of Pinocchio. He was also wearing black shoes, which seemed to be too big on him. “Hello? How may I help you, sir?” the elf asked. “Is Santa Cluass there?” I asked him. The elf started laughing. “Who in the world do you think you are, sir! An FBI agent or a five year old kid? Get real!” He was about to close the door on me, but I froze him using and ice gun. “Oh, and for the record, at least I am not Santa Claus's little bitch,” I said while entering the enormous mansion. As I entered the mansion, there was a really long hallway which I followed. When I finally reached the end of the hallway, there were multiple doors. I saw a sign above the middle door which reads “Santa Claus's Room”, so I went through that exact door. He was in bed and I assumed he was ill. “Okay. Wake up! I need your help!” I screamed, in an attempt to wake him up. “Captain Mario?” he asked me as he was waking up. “Correction: I am Bill Gates. Get it right!” I said sarcastically. “Real funny,” he replied. “Enough of this ballshit! I want you to give me the Time Sceptre! Now!” I screamed. He looked at me for a minute with a shock face.

Me and Saint Nickolas met five years before the Dragon Wars began. We were friendly with each other and we became friends. I gave him a magical wand for his birthday on December 25, and he used it to build a mansion in the North Pole. He decided to use the wand I gave him for his birthday to give presents (of their choice of course) to kids each year on his birthday. But there was only one rule: the kid who gets presents must behave throughout the year. Saint Nickolas was the type of person to reward good behavior.  And for the kids who weren’t well behaved got coal, and who in their right mind wants that! We called this event Christmas. (He would use his wand to help him indicate which kid gets a present or coal for Christmas. He also used his wand to help him figure out which kid wants for Christmas). After the fifth year of him doing that, people started to call him Santa Claus. Saint Nickolas was happy that I gave him such a wonderful gift, so he gave me a brother that was one year younger than me as a reward. I was so happy.  Saint Nickolas was taking us home the day after Christmas. Then the sled collapsed due to the volcano eruption. Me and my brother fell out of the sled and that’s how I arrived at the Valley of Peace. My brother landed in some other city. And that’s when I witnessed the Dragon Wars end.

So Santa Claus was pretty surprised when I started treating him like an asshole. “Well, as you may have--” “Shut up!” I interrupted him, already knowing what he was going to say. “You will give me what I want or else!” I continued, pointing a gun at him. “All right, all right.” Then he grabbed his wand and made a Time Sceptre. “Here,” he said. I instantly grabbed it and started laughing fiendishly. “It’s time for my revenge!” I said.  Then I used the Time Sceptre to teleport myself two weeks before the event when the villagers died during the volcano eruption. I was finally back in the Valley of Peace, I was in my house with my brother.  To be continued...