If I don't want to - S.M.

11 | Blank Page

Ariel

It's been three and a half day since I met Shawn. I still couldn't get over the goodbye kiss we did that evening. It was one of the best moments I missed the most from being alive, and I couldn't wait to meet him again today.

But, I couldn't fight the nerve either. What if he's still against my idea? What if we couldn't find a way to get out of this problem?

Maybe I should've not come up from the first time. I made the whole situation more complicated. When it already was. I thought my decision would make things clear back then. Turned out it broke him even more. Now, I don't even know what's right or wrong.

Should I just disappear?

Let what's been done, be it?

What should I do?

Can I make things better?-

My loud thoughts cut by the shrieking sound of Shawn's music room door.

He's here. My breath hitch.

A bottle of beer hanging loosely between his right index and ring finger. His face's showing exhaustion. His breathe is long and deep. His eyes and nose are all red. I couldn't even spot his eyelids. I couldn't be more heart-broken than this, seeing his gestures clearly screaming pain out loud.

He took his brown acoustic guitar out of the hanging shelves and took its picker from the box. He sat on his chair with his eyes closed, strumming slow, heart-breaking melodies. His head's moving slowly to the beat. His eyebrows frowned on top of some melodies, indicating he's holding his tears back.

He stopped playing and opened his eyes. He took a long deep breath once again before he gulped down the half-full beer to empty.

"Ariel, are you here?" He called my name, guessing if I've been there, watching him consumed by the sadness, "Aal?"

Aalys. Aalys is my middle name, and it's been Shawn's favourite nickname of me. It was given by my grandma when I was born. A name with a hope that its owner will grow into a noble and kind-hearted lady, written differently from its variances—Alice, Alyss, Adelheids. Shawn said it fits me perfectly—gracious and one of a kind—which I know was exaggerated by his blinding love.

I showed up, sitting on the empty chair that's placed beside him.

"Oh my-" He was a bit taken aback by my appearance, "I should probably get used to you showing up anytime, anywhere," A chuckle left his lips, "You've been here since?"

"Yeah," I sighed smiling, "Since before you came into the room,"

"Then what took you so long to show up, love?" He placed his guitar aside, standing against the cabinet with a carpet beneath it.

"The same reason as yours, Shawn," I replied, sure that he's thinking the same thing.

"Me?" He asked.

"Yeah, not sure if I'm going to make the right decision today, after taking the wrong ones for who knows how many times," I said calmly compared to the storm that's happening on my mind.