Heartbreaker

Chapter one

I'm 19 years old and I've never been in love. Well the truth is, I haven't had feelings in a very long time. I haven't felt the immense butterflies or the random thoughts about a guy that make you automatically smile. Or the blushing, and palms sweat, nervous jitters and everything in between. And I haven't deprived myself of sleep just so I can talk to a guy in a long time. I sit in front of the mirror and stare back at myself as I wonder if It's me. Maybe it is all my fault. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I'm just unlikable or my standards are too high. Maybe nothing seems to enlighten me because I don't feel enough. It's like I'm left out by this magical feeling. And the truth is, I miss not having a person in mind, having someone to love you even on the days you may not love yourself. My vision gets blurry as tears flood my eyes before warm salty tears stream down my tan face as I look at my reflection. The guys I know usually only use girls for sex then basically talk shit about them by calling them sluts. Most guys don't even really care enough to know the real me, they just want a piece of me. Maybe that's part of the reason why I feel so empty. I can see right through those guys and their intentions. Why try to get to know them if they don't want to know me? Why get attached and develop feelings if they're not planning on staying? So they can leave and act like I don't exist the next day, just like my dad did? I wipe my tears with my right hand while I look at myself in the mirror again as more tears uncontrollably rush down my face. No guy has cared enough to try harder to be apart of my life. Maybe I'm the problem. I wipe my tears as I lay on my bed before closing the light on my bedside table. Warm tears continue to fall down my cheek as I slowly close my eyes shut while I wonder if I will ever be loved.

*

"Devena, let's go you're going to be late for school!" my mom shouts from downstairs waking me up.

I tiredly squint at the bright sunny light shinning through my curtains as I walk towarss the washroom. I splash my face with cold water before patting my face dry with a blue towel. I put on Aveeno cream then apply concealer under my eyes right before I brush my long straight dark brown hair that match my eyes. I quickly put on black sweatpants and a lavender long sleeve crop-top and make my way downstairs. I smile at my mom as she hands me my breakfast and we head in the car. As I buckle my seatbelt, I feel her staring at me compelling me keep my eyes down so she doesn't see the sadness in my eyes when her eyes meet mine. I take my first crunchy bite of the toasted bread coated with nutella and look out the window.

"I love you baby," she says as I feel a lump in the back of my throat as I stare out the window trying my best not to cry again.

Is someone ever going to love me like that? Prepare me food, notice when I'm sad and love me unconditionally? Or are my expectations to high because of all the fairytales I was told when I was younger? I have never kissed anyone I've ever had feelings for, never had sex with anyone I had feelings for, I've never felt that spark. Maybe it's because I'm a sagittarius. After my mom drops me off to college, I walk towards the main doors while putting on my white earphones to try to stop people from talking to me. I'm not a morning person and talking in the morning requires effort and I'm pretty lazy. I head towards my locker when I see him from afar making me roll my eyes. Another cocky guy that gets everything he wants. Sure, he's good looking but his heart is as cold as winter and I prefer summer. As I see him walking my way from the corner of my eye, I turn around and pretend I'm texting fast on my phone to look busy.

"Who's heart are you breaking now?" Ryan Tremblay asks as he stands in front of me making me roll my eyes.

"Never a good sign when a girl texts a long paragraph," he adds before I look at him.