Bittersweet

Chapter One - "I can help you."

I've never liked feeling constricted. I feel like a rock stuck in sand if anything is just like, too close on me. Honestly, when Pluto was born, that's how I felt. She depended on me to live, but being a teen and that suddenly drops on you can feel like life is over.

I don't know, I just don't ever want her to know that. She's the happiest kid ever and I have a feeling she's gonna be an emotional one. I mean, I don't still feel that way. I don't feel constricted by her. If anything, she makes me feel so free. The one person I've ever had in my life that I didn't feel judged by and she's never forced anything on me other than being held or fed of course.

Resting the pen on the table next to her journal and taking a sip of her now watered down iced tea, Deene glanced at her phone just as the screen lit up with an incoming call.

Replacing the cup with the phone, she answered and held it to her ear.

"Hey." she greeted.

"Hey, Deene. I had a question." Freddy began. She could hear Pluto's voice in the background with the low pop music playing on the radio.

"Mmhmm, go ahead."

"Okay, so... in a universal sense, which color would you rather be? Blue or Yellow?"

Shaking her head, Deene stretched her arms out behind her and extended her legs with a loud, satisfied groan. It had been about forty minutes since he asked her a question like that.

"Depends on the shade."

Pluto made a sound that perfectly displayed her disappointment, but of course, she didn't truly understand what Deene meant.

"Okay, so with different shades in mind, blue or yellow?" Freddy asked, again.

Looking up at the ceiling, she hummed. "I'm gonna go with yellow."

Sucking his teeth, Freddy reached around and pointed to the yellow square in Pluto's picture book. "Mommy wants to look like this one."

She let out a monstrous laugh, waving her hands in delight.

Relishing in the sound of her entertained child, Deene suddenly heard the slam of a door in the apartment.

"Go call that bitch then. I don't give a fuck if she's your friend or not." the voice said in a calm tone.

Cutting her eyes towards the door, she huffed. "I'll talk to you when you get back, okay?"

"Okay, yeah. We should be back in twenty." Freddy replied, turning the key and starting up the engine.

"Alright, drive safe."

Ending the call, Deene slipped her arms into a grey cardigan and went out into the hallway. There was a stuffed gym bag on the floor next to Celeste's room door, and the smell of smoke wafted into her nose.

"Les?" she called out, hearing a clatter from the kitchen in response followed by a sniffle.

She figured Lessy and Trina were just having another argument, so she walked down the short hallway.

"Lessy, what's going on?" she asked, getting to the kitchen and seeing her with her back turned and a cigarette between her fingers.

Celeste was Deene's longest friend of 6 years. They had met sophomore year of high school and became friends through a science fair pairing.

The two were never super close enough to be considered other halves of each other, but they still considered the other family.

"Don't worry about it. I'm fine."

Lessy had been dealing with a lot in her relationship of nearly two years, but Deene didn't know half of it since Lessy was so reserved.

She wasn't always like that. In the past year, things had been drastically different. Deene didn't want to blame Lessy's girlfriend, but it was the most accurate reasoning.

"I'm here to listen to you. I can help." Deene said, walking towards the sink and putting a hand on Lessy's shoulder which prompted her to turn around.

Her eyes were red and puffy. Her skin looked pale and her lips were dry. This was a side of her Deene had been seeing pretty often, and it was heartbreaking.

"Girl, I'm good. I promise. I don't need nobody and don't nobody need me." she muttered, taking another puff of the cigarette before walking to the fridge.

Before Deene had a chance to process what Lessy had said, Trina came out of their room with an empty bottle of tequila in her hand.

"Let's go." she said, tossing the bottle into the recycling bin where it fell onto something that was either also glass, or something tough which resulted in a sharp collision.

"Where are you two going?" Deene asked. It wasn't her business and she knew that, but Lessy wasn't in a state of mind to leave, and neither was Trina, especially with the stench of liquor floating off of her.

"We're just gonna talk some things out. We'll be back." Lessy said, shutting the fridge door and hurriedly grabbing her key from the red bowl by the door.

Trina, on the other hand, hadn't looked at Deene once. It wasn't clear if it was shame or discomfort, but the last time she had interacted with Deene was the night she moved her things into Lessy's room nearly eight months prior.

She didn't want Lessy to leave, but a heavy lump in her chest stopped her from saying or doing anything she wanted to.

The two left the house without a second glance as Deene grabbed onto the counter. Her body was feeling heavy and her thoughts became mush.

She recognized this feeling. The feeling of suffocating on the inside.

Saliva began to pool in her mouth as the cold gust of wind passed her with the closing of the door.

In that very moment, she felt fifteen again, waiting for Derek's friends to leave the apartment. The smoke, the liquor, having to stay quiet.

Her head began to spin as she heard her phone begin ringing once more.

"Grab that for me." she heard, or so she thought.

Derek? She thought to herself, but before she could turn around, her shaky palms found the kitchen tile as she fainted.