9:23 pm Thurs, January 2
I miss you and I love you.
6:44 am Sat, January 4
I started rereading things today just because I was bored and didn't want to wake my friend up.
I'm so thankful the girl called out my bs because if she hadn't I wouldn't be revising myself.
Your friend is right, I am a vindictive lunatic and I'm controlling and extremely crazy.
I'm so sorry I dragged you into my life and I apologize for forcing myself into yours.
I never realized how toxic I am and I thank you for dealing with me for so long.
I'm working on myself to become better and to learn from how I've been living.
I'm filled with negativity and since I've been going back through everything its been made clear to me how bad I've gotten.
I'm apologizing for the way I treated you.
I wasn't ready for a true relationship but I'm thankful for everything you tried to point out.
I should have listened to you in the beginning instead of pushing past it.
I really am sorry for everything I've caused, I wish someone had pointed me straight before I started becoming my father.
Thank you so much for trying to help with me, I'm so grateful I met you.
Thank you for showing me I need to work on myself.
I've always said I was open minded but I wasn't open to the whole truth.
Thank you for showing me what I'm like, I will take this to heart and change for the better.
I pray everything I learn in life leads me to be good for everyone instead of the darkness I carry around.
Thank You.
06:01 pm Wed, January 8
I want to talk to you,
but talking to you hurts my heart too much.
I'm going to continue writing my thoughts about her on this page because if I don't write it out then my head gets carried away. I wish I didn't have to write it out on a platform I can't block her from. She always used what I wrote [here] against me. She never said anything about my other poems but as soon as I wrote something about how I felt with her that wasn't positive she would use it against me. I love her so much but ever since she ended us I'm starting to see where I did things wrong and where we were toxic towards eachother. I want to be loved the way I love others. The relationship was always up and down but we never fought aggressively. I love the woman fully, all flaws included. I just wish I could reverse letting my walls crumble for her. I shouldn't have been so naive to let someone into my heart and head at this young age. I was not prepared for the heart break and now ache. One day I will love another so much more but I will never stop loving her. I really do wish her the best even if I do still have spouts of pettiness towards the way we ended. The sad part is if she reads this she'll get the wrong idea. I don't hate her, I'm not mad at her, and I really wish the relationship wouldn't end. She won't see that though, she'll just see a bunch of negativity and not how much I'm hurt by the way she just kinda tossed me away. All I want is just to feel loved and safe.
For a bit I felt that with you. I did, and from the way you use to seem it felt like you did too. I guess I was wrong about you.
I don't want to get over you. I don't want to see other people. I want to see you, be with you, be yours and you mine.
But I don't want to wait around for you to want me.
I don't even know if you want me back, you probably don't and I need to get that through my head.
You're still my home and it hurts so much more when I call out for "Home" knowing the recieving end is clipped away and my call will just echo out into the universe.
I love you dearly.
10:52pm Mon. January 13 2020
Honestly you're right, I do despise you now. I've cried over you so much during our relationship and after our relationship and I shouldn't because you didn't treat me right. You were just using me and if you go back through our messages it really shows. I don't know how in the world I thought you cared and loved me when in reality I was just blinded by my love for you. My friends treat me better than you did. Hell the girl who is helping me heal is doing a better job then you ever did with me. I fell for you so fucking hard but I'm glad you ended the relationship. I've grown so much because of it and ever since then I've been getting reminded of you. Yeah I get sad and cry but then I look back at our messages and ya know what? You were the toxic one. A specific time my parents were fighting you literally just wanted sex. Do you know how fucked up that is? I was fucking 15 listening to my parents fight while trying to make you happy despite feeling my world fall apart. You use to be my home and my world but I'm so glad you aren't anymore. I may not be over you yet but I fucking despise you and I will get over you. I may never stop loving you but I will love another with so much more. Thanks for being my first love but you screwed with my head way too much. Thanks for hurting me one last time because if you hadn't I honestly Probably would have killed myself. You made me happy but you also made me super fucking depressed. I pray you find someone who changes you and makes you realize how wrong your ways are. Also don't try to kill yourself again, it's not worth taking your life. You have a future but you need to figure your shit out first.
