The Color of You

Riley/Riley

"Riley!" Elizabeth called across the room to me.

I looked up, a smile on my face. 

"We're going to have a wonderful girls night sleepover! You want to come?" She asked as she walked closer, and I felt a knot in my stomach at being referred to as a girl, time after time.

Elizabeth didn't know, though, that I wanted to be a boy. And nobody else knew. Not even my parents. So I couldn't act like anything was wrong with it, and nodded my head.

"Of course! What time?"

"Be at Ally's house at 5."

"Great!" I smiled a slightly strained smile, hoping she couldn't tell that I wasn't as excited as I wanted her to believe. 

"Yay! Well, we've got math next, want to walk with me?"

I simply nodded again and felt her hand grab mine to drag me along with her.

Man, did she have a lot of energy today.

The entire math class, though, a nagging feeling of going to a "girl's night sleepover" was messing with my mind. Even though, on the outside, I was a girl: long brown hair, slight facial features, and a slim body, on the inside I was a boy. I didn't want to go to a sleepover where the fact that I was supposed to be a girl was accentuated.

Where, when I didn't want makeup or french braids, people would tell me I wasn't girly enough.

Where, when I felt uncomfortable about the size of my boobs, people would snort and tell me I was lucky to have them.

I couldn't deal with all of that, on top of the images thrown around all day: Girls should wear skirts and dresses, hair down, and plenty of makeup.

Guys, they could wear shorts and a t-shirt with their hair in a lump on their head and people thought it was normal.

I wished I could feel comfortable in my own skin, and I could be a guy with short hair and muscles. I could wear a suit and tie and look nice, instead of like a joke. I just wanted to feel better about myself, and being able to dress up as a guy for things like Halloween was the only time I truly felt like myself.

Call me crazy, but I've known I was a guy since I was a baby, wondering why I had to put a shirt on and being yelled at for going into the boys bathroom. 

Class passed in a blur of thoughts and it was the end of the day. Two hours until this "girl's night" sleepover.

I could do it.

**********

"Let's play truth or dare!" Ally was practically bouncing up and down in excitement.

"It's almost midnight, Alls, shouldn't we get ready for bed?" I asked, smiling in spite of how tired I was. 

My dysphoria had been awful that day and I wished I could just be myself, not stuck in this girl's body with no way out. Sometimes I wondered why I was alive. 

"Sure! I call bathroom first!" She was on her feet already, out the bedroom door to the bathroom before anyone could object.

"She's energetic." Elizabeth looked as tired as I did, leaning against the bed and running her hand through her hair, which was somehow still down.

My hair had been up in a bun the entire day, and part of me just wanted to chop it all off tonight. But I wasn't a boy to them, I was a girl. Damn it. 

"I don't understand her. It's like, 11:45." Kaia shook her head, not bothering to move any more than that.

The five of us were sitting on the floor in a circle and none of us moved until Ally came skipping back.