I was in one of those parties again. Crowded, flashing lights, bad music, chatters and a drink in everyone's hand. As usual, I counted down time to be home again. What I thought was just another usual wrap party turned into something else very soon.
A couple of my co-workers, the only two girls I can seem to tolerate dragged me out from the party. I didn't question much and followed. They walked ahead me, whispering and giggling. I slugged behind waiting to take a fresh breath of air.
Next thing I know we are at a closed carnival. I had never been to one before, but I could just tell that this must be one of the most beautiful one out there. Maybe I felt so because it was closed and had no people there. I was admiring the fully lit and calming atmosphere of this carnival when a middle aged approached and went straight in for a hug. I guess I was too distracted to realise that I was already introduced. I am no hugger, but she clearly was. Her smile was broad and bright and she clearly was a lesbian. The clothes and hair gave it away and I guess I gave it away easy too and that's why she hugged a fellow Queer woman. Or maybe she is just a hugger. Another middle aged lesbian woman walked up to me with a smile but I was prepared this time. I stretched my hand out and went straight in for a handshake. It was a firm one. I couldn't help but wonder how both were such fine looking ladies. And before I could compliment them I saw her. I froze.
She walked up with her bright smile, brighter than the two before. Her eyes were glowing and all I remember thinking is, she is the one. I didn't understand what I had meant by that. I know nothing about her. Nothing made sense but it felt like nothing needed to make sense. I wanted to go for a hug but my brain is wired to go for a handshake so that is what I did. And before I could introduce myself the girls did for me. But something was wrong. They didn't introduce me right. They were misleading her. I wanted to correct them but before I could she started talking with great excitement. So much that her face started going red. If I were fairer I am sure she would have noticed my face change colours too. I remember mentioning how I work in the art department of films and how this carnival really interested me. But I don't understand why I didn't come clean to her about what the girls had said. Maybe I didn't want this to end yet.
My heart started racing the moment I saw her but only increased even more so the moment she held my hand pulled me towards a table set up near by. Turns out we were going to have dinner together. As we were walking up to the table I remember thinking how much I just wanted to hold her and kiss her. And as an asexual, this feeling was something so new and confusing to me. I had never had such strong feelings for anyone before.
I don't even remember what we ate that night. But I remember everything about her face; all her freckles, her shinning eyes, her full of life smile. But as I was in this haze I didn't realise what was happening around me. The smile began to fade and the red on her cheeks went from that of excitement to anger. I snapped back and realised that she had found out that I was not who she was led to believe I was.
Again, I had no chance to explain. I didn't want to explain. I felt guilty. I knew I was wrong. We walked away.
Days went by and not a day went by where I didn't close my eyes and her face didn't flash in front of my eyes. The me that avoids conflicts didn't even want to go and ask the girls for a reason for their actions. I just wanted to move on already. Keep this bittersweet memory as my personal heaven.
The girls and I went to a carnival. Nothing as beautiful as the one I saw the other night. But I think they finally felt guilty and wanted to treat me. I stood there with my coffee when they went to order the food. I saw an empty table and made my way for it. Kept my coffee on it and laid down on it's bench. I watched the yellow lights against the dark sky. They were still not as pretty. I closed my eyes to remember her and suddenly felt a presence around me. I opened my eyes to see a light silhouette of her. I could only see some of her as the lights were glaring but I would recognise her anywhere. I had memorised her so well.
I got up a little on my elbows to get a better look and it was indeed her. Smiling at me. I froze again. My heart was about to explode. I think my brain lost all its normal function because I did something out of the usual for someone out of the usual.
I pulled her towards me and kissed her. It was my first kiss and I was just glad that it was with her.
