Quinn

Chapter 6

The next morning, though still sad and alone, she chose to be strong and to look forward. Quinn began each day with a pep-talk to herself in the mirror that usually went something like, "You can do this! Maybe he will come home? No! You can do this. And if not, oh well! You're too Irish to admit failure. Fake it until you make it!" Most lonely mornings, it did the trick. Today it was a little easier to believe and that made her feel proud. She really was going to make it, she was going to recover and keep going. She had to.

Their children were adjusting, albeit not well, but getting there. Their morning pep-talks from Quinn were filled with much more compassion. She wondered regularly what had she let happen to her heart? She had never felt such a loss of self-love and appreciation before. She would make mental notes throughout the day to be more kind to herself, apparently the memo never quite stuck. Being stoic and cold had been helping her survive, and all emotion was reserved for her children.

Jack had moved to an apartment. Once he moved the mistress in with him, Quinn no longer allowed the children to stay overnight. It began that he would come visit them every other day at their family home. Once his feet hit the stoop, Poppy and Finley would run to the door to greet him with open and loving arms. This was a good reminder to Quinn to keep a soft heart. Her children did not know what was going on, and even if they did, they would still love him. They still needed him and she understood that. Having grown up most of her life without a father, Quinn believed with all her heart it was important for them to not have a hindered relationship. Her mother made sure to remind her of this fact every time they spoke.

"Now Quinn, 'tis okay to be mad. It is not okay to hate. And it is not allowed that you pass on ill feelings to your innocent children. If I had known your father was going to pass, I would have been so much more loving to him..." She would trail off into her own guilt and grief. "There is nothing that should keep those children from loving their father, even if he has not done you well. Forgiveness is more important than any bitterness you feel entitled to."

As she padded down the stairs to wake her children, she remembered that today was Jack's day to visit. A rush of sadness hit her and Quinn had to stop and take a deep breath before opening Poppy's bedroom door. She would often wonder why she missed him so much, even after his infidelities. And even more so now that he was going to have a child with Bianca, the mistress. She rolled her eyes and held her stomach as a wave of nausea hit her.

Quinn was still in disbelief that the man she had mothered children with, was going to have another child with the woman who helped ruin their marriage. And on top of it all, she was already seven months pregnant. Taking another moment to find her balance, Quinn leaned on the door jamb of Poppy's room and closed her eyes tight, squeezing them until the feeling of wanting to cry had dissipated. She reminded herself that she truly had to move on and she needed to recover. "This too shall pass," she heard in her mind, though in her father's voice, and a small smile snuck up onto her pouty lips. She really was going to make it.

Jack had been missing visits lately and Quinn wondered if he was actually going to show up this time. He would stop by once or twice a week and stay no longer than thirty minutes each time. Still, the children were filled with the same amount of excitement every time they saw their father. Quinn knew this was hard on them but the child support was helping her keep them busy. The children were on spring break from the academy, but they still had an overwhelmingly full day ahead of them.

They never missed church on Sunday and pizza night was always on Friday. Poppy was now enrolled in ballet, gymnastics, and violin lessons; all on top of being top of her first grade class; as well as having been moved to a fourth grade reading and writing class. It was quite a full plate for a six year old, but Quinn felt that it was keeping her mind busy and somehow kept her heart full.

Finley was enrolled in a tumble class, honors preschool, and was already reading chapter books. He played on a little league t-ball team three times each week and was excelling very well at the sport. Again, Quinn realized it was a heavy load but felt it was necessary. Quinn lifted her head off the wood trim and put her hands on either side of her face, holding herself for a moment and enjoying the stillness of the morning that had yet to begin. She hoped this business was not too much for her children and guilt hit her like a wave, almost knocking her to her knees on the ground. She took a deep breath and prayed for the strength to be a good mother.