I know it's been a while since I write anything real other than my usual diary entry or maybe a rant to one of my friends.
But there must be a reason. It's not just some boring case of writer's block which happens to everyone. It might be about the fact that I wasn't allowing myself to feel anything worth writing about. And yes, fiction was fun until it just simply wasn't.
It's mostly something I use to cover up my real mistakes. For example let's say I write something about being mad at someone and then someone asks me who I wrote it about. What am I supposed to say? The truth? Of course not, my subject deserves at least that much privacy. So I pivot, and I say "It's just something fictional."
It obviously was not fictional so once again I fall into using the fiction as an excuse.
In any case I should make up a fictional story and just have the main character feel everything I'm feeling, right?
Wrong. Too obvious. I'm lots of things but not an idiot. (Mostly)
That's when I come to the conclusion that I am censoring my writing. Which is weird because as far as I know I'd never censored my thoughts. My feelings, yes, sometimes but never my thoughts.
But in reality it's not your thoughts that go on the paper, it's the feelings.
I used to openly talk about how I feel but the more I got betrayed by myself or by others, the more it became difficult.
It became a difficulty to talk about how I feel for someone without blushing or cringing at the fact that I have emotions like that, and it became difficult to talk about my daily struggles without crying.
So there were always things that I simply just held in from everyone and everything. Because obviously I write in a journal like any normal teen, but is that the reality? Or do I choose to ignore the negative parts of my day so that when I read it years from now I don't see the horrible part of youth.
So once again I censor myself while writing in my journal every night. But it became an easy routine so I don't blame myself too much.
In the end, no matter how hard it is to talk about those things, I knew deep down that I wanted or needed to write about them. I never knew I would feel that, the need to write.
But it's been there all along. Even as far as the 4th grade I forced myself to go above and beyond on very writing assignment, because it was just what I needed. Then in 6th grade, I would write every single day no matter how lonely or tired I was feeling I needed to write that stupid journal entry at the end of the day. In 7th and 8th grade It was mostly fan fiction that never saw the light of day because of my embarrassment, but at least I know the need to write has been there for a very long time.
Obviously writing is not practical. It's Brave. Rafael Solano taught me that.
Leave it to me to take lessons from fictional characters. But let me say it also happened in Divergent.
"Be brave Tris."
Whatever was holding me back won't disappear overnight. But it starts fading away after you realize that NOBODY CARES. And I mean that in a completely positive way. As far as publishing goes I don't think my wattpad audience takes me too seriously anyways.
But I just hope that whatever I write can have some sort of positive impact whether that be to put a smile on someone's face, to entertain them the same way I am when I dive into all my romance novels, or to make someone laugh. Although I won't make any promises, I've never been a very humorous writer.
In the grand scheme of things it will be fun to look back one day and see what all these years where like considering Alzheimer's runs in my family and I'm bound to forget all of this. Or who knows, maybe one day my daughter will one day hold on to the fact that her mom actually cataloged everything that went on in her little romanticized brain when she was 14.
Honestly I don't know exactly where I was going with this but umm as a writer I should probably work on that. I NEVER know where exactly my writing is taking me. As for my next writing project I'm not sure yet but I'll try to have something within the next week or so. Perhaps a short story? I always did love chicken soup. (I mean the books not the food)
-Mely
