As Night Becomes Day

Before

I sit here on the couch lost in my phone. If anyone looks at me they would simply see a girl lost in her phone. That's all it should be. I have nothing in my life to be worried about. My stomach definitely isn't churning. My eyes are as dry as the sahara desert and my hand are certainly not shaking.

I mean nothing like that would be happening. At first glance, everyone sees the fun loving girl living in a perfect world. A bubbly smile is always on her face because nothing ever goes wrong for her. Well that statement is wrong. In fact everything seems to be going wrong in quick succession. I feel like I have lost my grip on the world and everything I love and cherish is slipping from my grasp.

Closing my eyes I turn off my phone and get up from the couch, passing my dad in the kitchen I quickly flash him a smile, he returns it none the wiser. I then continue my walk to my bedroom and resume my vigil of staring at my phone, now in a different location. I don't know what made me move, well actually I do. I got up in an effort to do something but the anxiety spiked and now I am back. Whew for a minute there I was gonna be productive, thanks anxiety for having my back.

The sarcastic quips and dry humour is supposed to subside the anxiety, it's my way of pretending everything is okay. The fall into this pit of nerves and anxiety occurred about fifteen minutes ago. It doesn't feel like it. It was only a simple text, from a boy. I know what your thinking. Trust me its not like that. These aren't the good nerves before a date, these are the nerves that make every step harder as they try and drag down into the dumps. These are the nerves before you have to do something you are so terrified of.

You probably think I am about to ask this guy out and that's why I am scared but actually I have already done that. What I have to do now is even harder. A spike in my stomach has me curling into a ball as I try to suppress the panic rising in my body. The room goes blurry and tears squeeze their way out of my eyes. Everytime I think of him everything gets a little worse.

The emotions get more and more complicated. There are so many of them and its making my head spin. I am struggling to breath now, having to force air into my lungs. Oh god I think I am going to be sick.

I can recognise the symptoms, I have had a panic attack before but my mind is so distracted trying to find a way of this situation that the exercises I was given to overcome these things escape my mind.

After a while the adrenaline in my body is used up by shaking and my exhausted body slips into the sweet relief of sleep. The next day I wake up at noon. Which is a good thing. It means I won't spend my day pacing, in fact I only have half an hour to get ready.

Ignoring the nerves bumbling around my belly I slip out of bed and walk to the mirror. The dark circles under my eyes easily disappear with a bit of concealer and my droopy eyes are lifted with a bit of mascara. After mulling over what clothes to wear I look at the clock and realise I am late. Which evolves into my running out the door without breakfast.

On the walk over the nerves in my belly become harder to ignore and I start to feel sick again. Regretting my decision not to eat breakfast and resisting the urge to run away I step up to the path. Mustering up the courage I push down the handle and the gate swings open with a creak generating wince from me. The walk to the door takes an eternity and the bell seems to ring for even longer.

When the doors open and I look upon the face that once brought me so much joy, the smile that used to send butterflies tumbling around my stomach and the eyes I could have stared into forever. Now when I see his face all I feel is guilt. Opening my mouth and take a deep breath in and say, "We need to talk."