Love is a Battle

Is This Right?

Waking up with a faint feeling of regret clouding my head made me feel more anxious than ever before. I had no idea why I suddenly felt any regret about killing, until the thought of all the lives that had nothing to do with this in the first place, came to mind. My heart ached with the thought of innocent lives falling by anyone's blade. I've always been taught to understand the balance of life, and one way to understand that is to know who is innocent and who is truly the enemy when it comes down to the battles you must fight. There's always a sign, whether eternal or external, that you can just tell.

I stared at the ceiling as the sunlight slowly penetrated the room. The closer the time came to daybreak, the more the strange feeling of regret and anxiety grew. I just couldn't understand no matter how much I tried to put the pieces together, then it hit me. There's always a solution to a riddle in life, and this riddle is quite complicated, but there's still an answer. Is it right to destroy innocent lives to make the world a better place, or is there a better way to achieve the same goal?

There was only one person I could talk to about things like this, but she is dead. I sighed as I got out of bed when my alarm to usually wake me up went off. "Mikaela, are you okay?" May asked when she saw the expression on my face. I was trying to look calm and collected while hiding my frustration, but it obviously was still showing. I just sighed and shook my head as an answer. "I just don't think a war is what I want. I can't shake off the feelings of regret and anxiety that flood me every time I think about any sort of war strategy, because it still leads to innocent people dying." I said as we walked down the hallway.

"'Innocent?' Mikaela, those people chose to follow him. If there are any words to describe those men, 'innocent' isn't one of them." May said while turning the corner. "No, May. They follow him because their ancestors followed the Kitsune ancestors. It's all they've ever known. Because of that, they were led to believe that he's the only good guy. I just can't figure out why I'm suddenly thinking like this. Is war the right choice to make?" I asked as we entered the living room. "I can't answer that question, because it's your war we're helping you with. All I can say is that you should follow your heart." May said as we sat down on the couch.

"Follow my heart..." I muttered as the other members of the dojo entered the room. All the chats and laughter made it hard for me to think, but one thing I can relate to knowing is that the heart never really fails you. It holds what you desire, what you believe, and what you are. I tried to see what my heart was telling me, but all the noise around me made it hard to focus on a thing. I just gave up as Tyler came into view. "You okay, sweetheart?" He asked as he sat beside me with two glasses of milk. "Just have a lot to think about." I said as I accepted the glass he suddenly held out to me.

"Well, whatever is bothering you, if you need me or anyone else, don't be afraid to talk about it." He said as he tucked some hair behind my ear. "I'll be sure to keep that in mind." I said as I looked out the window to watch the sun peek out from behind some clouds, the sun's beams extending out into the sky and beyond like a ray of hope reaching out for someone looking for such a miracle, but not for me.

***

When training finally came to an end, I excused myself from dinner and laid in my bed. I was too distraught to want to eat and too confused to deal with the ideal chatter. I knew that I needed to talk to someone, but I also knew that only one person could truly understand how I feel now. The idea of war just felt so wrong with the thought of so many innocent lives destroyed. I sighed and rolled onto my side that faced the window. "Mom, if you can hear me, please help me. I've always looked to you for help, and now I face a great issue I need to discuss. If you're there, please help me." I said as I looked at the moon, which my mother always said that she felt connected to. I sighed as I pulled the blankets up over myself. I just wanted to hide from the world as I laid there, trying to find a way to focus all my thoughts. Eventually, I felt extremely sleepy as the light of the moon seemed to darken. I realized that it was just my eyelids lowering due to the weight of sleep. I just gave in to the feelings and allowed myself to fall into sleep's blissful oblivion.