This story is a true life story this is based on facts but all names have been changed to protect the individuals. Warning: I will not leave out details I will not leave out language used I will tell my story based of true life facts If for some reason you can not handle the truth DO NOT READ BEYOND THIS POINT! Everyone asks questions to me like: What happened? Why did you marry him? Why this or that happened? Why did you cheat on him? Why could you not leave sooner? Why did you leave without your daughter? Well after reading this all of them questions will be answered and more. This is my story, and yes this is all true! This is my story of my life in hell and how I finally got out! Copyright © 2014 by Tiara Nicole. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce, distribute, or transmit in any form or by any means. For information regarding subsidiary rights, please contact the Publisher. My story begins when I was in 9th grade. Like any other 9th grader things were different, it was a new school, a new school year, a new chance to change yourself and the last four years of school, (unless you were going to college that is). This also is the year I met him, the year I made the choice to be Justin's girlfriend. It was homecoming weekend so the school was a buzz with the upcoming football game and the home coming dance that weekend. It was the White Dragons vs their rivals the Palmer Snakes, and this was not just any football game it was the homecoming game and we were going against the school's rivals of many years. Students wore their school colors of white and red proudly and they walked the halls. Chit chat were among the groups of students , the jocks who could not wait for the game, the band geeks who were all about playing their latest music at the game, the cheerleaders and could not wait to cheer on their team to victory, and the rest of us, some who could not wait for Friday for the prep-rally and game, which included myself and a lot of my friends, and those who wanted nothing to do with any of it. The school week went on as usual and I went to classes, hung out with friends, talked about going to the game, and to the dance (which at this point I had no one to go with) and talked about other things most girls our age talked about which included boy bands, making up and clothing. I was your average student I had average grades, had average friends, lived in an average house, and like most average ninth graders I had my fair share of friends and more then fair share of frienmies as well. I also had low self esteem from being teased and made fun of on a daily basis as well but I still tried go carry out my daily duties and do what I needed to do to get by in the high school world, which didn't work anyway. I was different, I tried to get along with everyone but no one could see past my baggy jeans, my over sized hoodie, and the pony tail. I, like I said had my friends and they loved me for who I was and I had my family who of coarse loved me no matter what, but every day people still made my days in that school hell! Well it was finally Friday the day of the prep rally, of coarse I could not wait because it meant we were closer to the game that night, I was getting out of my last class, which was math and I hated that class anyway, and tomorrow was the homecoming dance, which I still had no one to go with, but I could not wait to see the game that night and to get out of class for the prep rally! Finally the day was almost over and the principal came over the loud speaker to call all the students to the gym for the prep rally. Students in white and red filled the halls with cheering, yelling, and screaming. You could hear the cheer leaders already yelling at the top of their lungs "Let's go Dragons, Let's go" and you could clearly hear the band in the back ground. I followed my friends to the bleachers as I sat next to them we began to cheer and scream with the rest of the crowd. As I was screaming I felt a tap on my shoulder, I turned around to see it was my friend Dan. I asked him what he wanted and that's when I saw him, the new kid. Well as I could tell from seeing them two in classes from the previous week they had become friends, so I thought maybe he just wanted to make new friends. He interceded us, and I quickly learned his name was Justin. He asked me to sit next to him, and that's when my nightmare unknowingly at the time began. With a simple hello, with a simple moving up one bleacher to talk to him, that is when I made mistake (but didn't know it at the time) number one and two. Justin did not seem like some of the other students, did not seem like a prep, a jock, or anything just average like myself. So we began to talk about the upcoming game, which he had no interest in, and talk about the dance that was to beheld the day after, again no interest in, so we began to talk about this and that making light conversation in between me yelling for the team, and the cheerleaders and band. The prep rally was over, and so was the school day. All of the students now pumped up for the game got up, gathered their things and left the bleachers, I unlike coming in with my friends, left walking and talking with Justin. I asked him if he was going to the game that night, and he replied with a simple no. So I decided I was still going to go, meet up with my friends, and have a good time. It was almost time for the game, I was dressed in my white and red Dragons homecoming t-shirt and a ripped pair of jeans, hair of coarse pulled back and hoodie in hand. I was as ready as I was ever going to be for the game. My mom and dad drove me to the school, since I could not drive myself and I got out of the car and met up with my friends. Of coarse they were all questions about Justin and making googly eyes and kiss noises and such but I did not care, I was there to have fun, enjoy myself and cheer on the team which I did. Of coarse the Dragons won, it was no big surprise and of coarse I had an OK night again no big surprise. My mom and dad were there to pick me up like clock work and I got into the car, and went home. After a quick shower I was ready for bed, but something or should I say someone changed my mind. The phone rang and I heard my mom yell my name "Tiara!" so I knew it was for me, who I heard on the other end was to my surprise Justin. So I paced the living room floor talking and giggling to him and learning more about him as he did the same for me. My mom kept looking at me weird because she knew I was on the phone with a boy she did not know. I did not care I kept talking to him, covering the mouth piece saying "Mom he's so sweet, he's just like me, I like him, I wanna be with him," My mom kept making her Mom comments of " No, you just met him, get to know him more" but I did not care I liked him he liked me that was the end of it, my teenage, ninth grade, boy filled mind was made up. The weekend went by as slow as possible because I think forces unknown wanted me to wait to see him again, and unlike any other weekend that flew by like a rocket on a mission this weekend seemed to drag, it was Monday morning, the first Monday morning I did not fight to get out of bed, the first Monday morning I got up, got dressed, did my hair and make up for once and was ready to head out the door. My mom knew why I was in such a rush, and I swear her and the unknown fate had a deal to make time and everything else move as slow as a turtle that morning, getting to school could not come fast enough. I finally walked into the school and walked right up to Justin, who was standing with my friends. Justin finally asked me in front of everyone to be his girlfriend and in between the kiss noises and the cheers I said YES! (Mistake number 3) The first few months went by fine, we rode around in his little blue Omni, hung out with his and my friends, I went over to visit with his parents, and we were just your normal, everyday couple, so I thought. But somewhere in the locker meetings, the note passing, the giggling in between and during classes, and the lunch bunch crew (what we called our table) something went wrong and my friends started to notice a change in me, and in him. So one day at lunch me and my friend Sarah were talking and we came up with codes for what were talking about because Justin was right next to me. She noticed I was not the same Tiara I was a few months back, I was acting tough and hard core, I was no longer down to earth and I was not the same. After a few more days of talking with Sarah and thinking to myself I did notice a difference, the difference she and everyone else were talking about in myself and in Justin. I had to think long and hard about this, so sitting in English I was with my best friend Sarah we began to talk about what I needed to do, I had to get out but his over powering attitude is what I was scared of I knew I could not do this alone, so I asked her if she would be by my side and we, well I would do it at lunch, that way I was in school, I was with teachers and students, and I could not get hurt. He never really touched me that way but still I was scared of who he became. Justin sat down at the table and I began to talk to him, I was not as chatty as normal but I knew what I had to do. We got up and stood in line for our lunches. Justin looked at me and he knew I had something on my mind, and I knew what had to be done. The anxiety built up inside me, I began to shake, slowly I opened my mouth and said what I knew I had to say but the words I knew he did not want to hear, that IT WAS OVER! He as I figured was not happy and he let the whole lunch room know about it, He yelled and screamed calling me every name in the book, calling my friends every name in the book but I did not care they did not care I did what I had to do. He stormed out of the lunch room with such rage basically being drug out of the lunch room, out the doors and thought the hall to the principals office. You could hear him curse and yell all the way down the hall, you could hear the teachers fighting back with him, you could also hear his temper with each punch of his fist to the lockers as he stormed out. That was the last I saw him, the last I heard of him, the last I would ever have to deal with him, I was free, or so I thought.... Now let's skip a head about two years into the future. The same old me two years older, the same school but now an 11th grader. It was January of 2004, a new year a new me. It was the weekend before my birthday and I had gotten some early birthday money so I wanted to go to the mall to spend it, I did not know what I wanted to get but I knew I wanted to spend money, yes your typical female, well anyway my parents agreed to go to the mall and we loaded up the family Ford Taurus and heading to the Blackville Mall. When we arrived I asked if I could walk around on my own and we could meet back a hour or so later, of coarse they agreed so I went off in search of what I could spend my money on. Going from store to store I still could not find the right gift but as I looked across the store I seen something or should I say someone else. Yes it was Justin, a blast from my past. Should I just walk away maybe he did not see me, I thought or I should just go up to him, part of me wanted to walk the other way but part of me wanted to do what was wrong I went against everything telling me to leave him alone and I went for the hunt down. I searched high and low for him and finally ran into him in one of my favorite stores. I had all reasons of yelling at him and wondering why he stormed off like that and yelling at him, but the second I seen him all of that flooded out of me like the gates of hell opened and all of the anger flooded out of me. Justin was just as shocked to see me, as I was to see him and we began talking as if the two years pier never happened. We talked and talked and caught up on the years we missed and I heard my mom and dad yelling my name. "Tiara!" I knew I had to go but before I did I told him my number and told him about my party the following weekend and hoped to see him there. I ran to catch up to my parents and they knew who I was talking to, I told them that he was so much different ( or so I thought) he was going back to school, had a new car, had a job was or seemed to have grown up, they were not to sure but they took my word for it. It was the weekend of my birthday party and Justin showed up. He talked to my family about school, his job, and how his life was different. They fell for every word Justin spilled out. I wanted to see things for myself so Justin and I became friends as I had him on trial I guess you could say. It was now February and the school was having a Valentines Day Dance that Saturday so of coarse I asked Justin to go, and of coarse he said yes. We went to the dance together and everyone was shocked I had brought Justin, they all knew what had happened before and all were not to sure why I was with him, but as the night went on my friends slowly began to trust him again. Well for a while things were just as they were before. I met him after school, we hung out every night, I went to his school with him and we were just your average couple once again until one weekend in April only three months after we got back together we had our first fight. He wanted to go skating with a bunch of friends of his and he wanted me to go with, sure fine no problem my parents did not care and I wanted to go so that night he picked me up and we went to meet his friends at the rink. Everything seemed fine I got on my blades and went around the rink with his friends showing off how good I was or though I was on my blades. Something happened in between getting my blades on and skating with his friends that set him off because he took off his blades, opened the door and stormed outside. I had no clue what happened or what I did wrong, so I told his friends I would find out. I took off my blades and went outside to his car. "Get away from me" is what he said as soon as he seen me. I stopped in my tracks puzzled on what had happened. So I got him to talk to me and learned what had set him off. It was me, I was being a show off, I was stealing his friends I was this I was that. He yelled at me to get into the car because we were leaving so I did what I was told. Scared at this point because I seen the old Justin temper I seen before but this time I was alone with him, I was in the car with him a car he could speed with, a car he could get into an accident with, a car he could kill me with. I sat there thoughts flooding my mind and I started to cry but that just made him worse. He started to yell at me and accuse me of more and more, I did not know what to say or do so I just sat there as quite as I could shaking and crying. I have bad anxiety so all of this was building up inside of me as he yelled and yelled. Finally he said it, the words I said to him two years back that it was over! I was shocked and with that final blow I passed out, when my anxiety gets that bad my body just gives up. I don't remember anything until I woke up in my house, in my room, in my bed with my Mom and Justin by my side. My mom asked what happened and Justin lied and said I got to hot from the heat in the rink and passed out. Lies I thought all lies I knew what happened but I was to weak to say anything, Justin just looked at me as if to keep my mouth shut or else, and in my mind I thought it was best. So we went on like normal even though things were different I knew it and he knew it but we did not let anyone else know it, that was the first cover of the mask I wore for the next nine years. We hung out in my basement after school and on weekends, he began to do something to me that he never did before, hit me though he made me believe it was only goofing around and I believed him. He would hit the side of my legs and called them giving me Charlie horses, they hurt I was not going to lie I could not move my leg afterward and shortly after the hit there was a black and blue, well I wore pants to cover these marks and no one seen me nude but myself and him of coarse so no one knew about the marks, and I mean marks I had a bunch of them. A month later was Prom and I wanted to go and I wanted to go with Justin so we made plans to get my dress and his tux. I went with my mom to the local clothing store and I found the most beautiful silk white dress with thin straps and a beaded back it was mine, it had to be, and it was. My mom bought me the dress. Well now that I knew what I was wearing we had to get Justin's tux so we heading down to Blackville Mall to pick him one up. It was prom night, I was in my room getting dressed, and doing my make up and hair. I was also texting my friends who we would meet up with later and snapping pictures showing off our dresses to one another. I shortly heard a knock on my door, it was my mom of coarse she wanted to take a thousand pictures of me in my dress, and why not it was prom night. I shortly after heard my dad yell upstairs. "Tiara!, Justin's here!" I ran downstairs and seen he was not even dressed yet, of coarse he needed help getting into his tux. So he went into my bathroom and changed. After the final touches to him and myself we were ready to leave, but not of coarse without another dozen or so pictures. Well we were off, my parents watched us drive away in his green Saturn. The night went well, the food was well OK, and we danced a bit, but of coarse this was not Justin's screen so he made us leave early, unlike most of my friends going to the after party Justin took me straight home and left. For me it was a good night, even though I think he hated every moment of it. I undressed and went to bed. The next two months were OK and it was July and another big fight, I don't really remember what happened but I know we got into a fight, I remember coming home with my parents on a Saturday afternoon to find my necklace and a few other things I gave Justin sitting on my porch. I knew this meant it was over (again), so I asked my dad if I could go to the races with him that night just for something to do, he said yes. Going to the speedway with my dad was always something I liked to do. We got to the track and after a few races, a bunch of crashes, and a lot of talking and fighting with the drivers, it was mid-race break, so I went up to the snack bar to get something to munch on for the next set of races, that's when I seen him, no not Justin but Mark, at this time I did not know who he was or anything just that he was cute, I just got out of a bad relationship, and I was a teenage single flirt so I used my charm and walked over to him. We began to talk and we sat next to each other for the remainder of the night. Since it was July and the 4th of July weekend the track was holding a fire works display after the race, and Mark asked me to sit with him so I did. The sky was filled up with the colors of reds, blues, yellows and so many more, the crowd ohhhed and awwwed but Mark had another idea, he leaned in for a kiss. So not only did I see fire works in the air but in my mind as well. Well the night was over and so was my mini date with Mark. I left the track and that was the last I seen him. I don't remember if it's when I got home from the track or the following morning when my mom showed me I had a note from Justin. It just said about how he was sorry, how it was not over and a bunch of other stuff I can't remember. But I had to go to my grandmother's that day and my other mom was there with my step dad (see for those of you who don't know my parents are divorced). I sat alone in my room I had there and told my mom everything that was going on leaving out a lot, to my surprise Justin came there, why I wondered but it was to see me and see if I got his letter. I told him I did. I also told him about how I thought it was over and what happened at the track. Well Justin went from cool and calm to as hot as the fire in hell, and there was another fight. He stormed out and left. Well when you see your stuff sitting on your porch what are you to think? Anyway the next few weeks were back and forth, why I still did not just leave him you ask?, I was trying to convince myself this was love, he was the only guy that ever kept coming back, but in the back of my mind I was scared, scared of him and scared to be alone. So I kept going back. It was August the last month before I walked into the high school for the last year of my school carrier as a Senior! So I had a few things I wanted to do before that, every year my family and I go to the North End Fair to walk around and see the demo derby, this year was no different but Justin wanted to go, and so my parents let him. (Still at this time they did not see his true colors or I did not think they did.) We went to the fair and I ran into an old friend of mine from school Shawn, I said hi really that's all I said, that's all I had to say to set Justin off for the rest of the night. He hated my friends, all my friends, especially my guy friends so it pissed him off to say a simple two letter word. Justin stayed quite the rest of the night and my family noticed there was something wrong, I just brushed it off and let it go, which by this time I was a pro at. When we got back to the house Justin waited till everyone was in the house and started to yell and scream at me at the top of his lungs, everyone heard him of coarse and he stormed down the road and walked home. My dad came outside to see what was going on and I told him, and that's when my dad knew he was not so sweet. It was the week before school and Justin knew I had to go without him and I would hang out with my friends and my guy friends and there was nothing or so I thought nothing he could do about it. He made the week before I started school hell, we had one of the biggest fights we have ever had well for now anyway, my mom and dad could see his true colors by now but they stayed back and let me do what I had to do on my own. It was the beginning of the school year I don't remember how far we were into it but Justin and I got into it again, and again it's over was said, I should have known a few things like for one he was going to come back like always, and two run away this time and don't let him come back, but nope I went the drama route, that morning before school I made a mixture which looked like puke I was going to go to school, run to the bathroom, dump it in the potty and get sent home, well part of my plan worked I did get out of school, but my mom and dad knew why I did not want to be there and they were not going to let me go home, so they sent me to my other grandparents. I was close to Justin so I wanted to walk to his house, after fighting with my grandmother she called my dad to come and get me, and since he had to leave work he was mad. That night did not go as planned, Justin was never allowed back at that house, I was never allowed to see or talk to him again, and my parents were done with everything Justin. I should have listened, I should have known they were doing it for my own good, but I was a teenager, I had a mind of my own, I thought I knew best for me and not them. I stormed off to the computer which of coarse they knew I was going to talk to Justin, I lied and said I needed to talk to my best friend. They agreed and let me go, now of coarse it was Justin who I was going to track down and I did I seen his screen name LoverboyforeverL on the screen and quickly told him that I was on total lock down they did not want me to talk to him or contact him so if we wanted to talk we had to be sneaky, well I was not quick enough they came in and seen who it was. Busted! Well we got into a fight again, my parents and myself that was and I had it if I could not be with Justin no one could be with me I gripped a knife yes I wanted to die, they snapped and said they had it with me I needed help. And I think in the back of my mind I knew I did too. I was trapped in an abusive relationship and I did not know how to get out and I was scared to get out. Well we got into the car and left for the hospital I was going to be committed to the "nut house" we got into the car and drove to the hospital. In the back of my mind I was thinking will I be able to see Justin again when I should have been thinking finally I can get the help I need and get out. We sat in the waiting room and I seen a poster on the wall about abuse and the hot line number to call, I also read the list below on how to tell if you are in an abusive relationship and everything was Justin. I did not use my time in there wisely instead of talking to therapists and people about what happened and how I can get out and about having a healthy relationship, I was planning every phone call I was allowed to Justin and since they did not watch who you called I had it planned to call him every chance I got. Since I got put away he was scared he would never see me again or ever allowed to be with me again, he said he was sorry for how he ever treated me and swore he would change and some how gain my parents trust again. When my parents did visit which I really don't remember them doing much of they said about sending me out of state to an all girls school, why I think it was to get me away from Justin for good or was it because they could no longer handle me, that I will never know. Well a week and a half went by and I was released to go back home and back to school but my mom was like a guard and watched everything I did, watched who I talked to even drove me to and from school, they were aware too I was not allowed to use the pay phone which the school had at the time all calls went through the office phone the only thing they did not check was the computers and I was the science teachers favorite student so every morning he let me go onto his computer which I e-mailed Justin from, and I had computer class later in the day which I used to talk to Justin from. But being away from him made me start to want to be with someone again and I could not be with him so I started talking to and hanging out with my science partner Lance. Lance and I had a good friendship, my other friends liked him, I liked him, my parents liked him, but that's as far as it went, I kind of was with Justin but I wanted to be with Lance and Lance was there so why not, I could not be with Justin anyway so Lance and I had a little relationship together. It again was homecoming weekend, the last homecoming I would ever have so I had mixed feelings about it, Lance and I were going to go together I had already picked out my dress and was ready to go. The following weekend was when all of a sudden a wrench named Justin was thrown into my plans, I was happy and I was with Lance why could I just leave Justin alone? Justin wanted to go to homecoming with me and I wanted to go with him, Lance who When Justin was around, so I talked to my parents and they said they would give Justin another chance but under there rules, we go to the dance we come home from the dance and that was it! By this time Justin was over the age of 18 so I needed permission to be out with him anyway. So I broke Lance's heart and went with Justin the awkward part was we ran into Lance there, I just walked past him. All the senior's got announced in and we danced, but Justin and I just wanted to be alone, so we knew were were not allowed to leave but no one else knew that so we got into his car and drove up to the park. All we did was sit on the swings and talk but Justin forgot to tell me one little detail, no one was allowed there after dark! Well to our surprise here came a cop, I was sitting on the swing in my dress with Justin when he walked up to us and asked us what we were doing, we told the cop just sitting and talking but he was not pleased and asked Justin for his ID which he gave him and mine which I did not have, Justin being over 18 and me not, the cop handcuffed me for safety reasons and put me in the back of his car, we were just going to the police station to make sure Justin was allowed with me but I knew that meant a call to my parents and they would find out everything. I was allowed to leave with Justin but I had to go home which I dreaded, I walked in the door and had to explain that if I was allowed to be with him I would not sneak around anyway. We sat down and had a talk about how I can see him and I had times and days I was allowed to to start to prove to them Justin changed. To make a big teenage scene and try to get a laugh I wore my Eminem criminal t-shirt to bed, which was a bad idea because it made my parents even more mad then what they were before. I remember going to Florida for a week with my parents which was states away from Justin, just what my parents wanted, and in the back of my mind what I wanted and needed. I loved being with my family and going on vacations and this was going to be great, well I did make calls to Justin but mainly I had a great time with my family. When we got home I showed Justin the pictures from the trip which he made a huge deal about because I was not under Justin dress code, which meant no tank tops, shorts to my finger tips, no make up ect... so we got into another fight. Everything for a few months went well but we still snuck around more then we should have to see each other, finally it was January, I was going to be 18 and I was going to be free or so I thought. My parents still had rules for me and for me and Justin and I was not happy with it, so in March we got into a big fight my parents and I that is, I was at Justin parent's house after school and Justin asked me to stay the night with his dad since he did not feel good and Justin had to work I said OK my parents were not happy but I did not care I stayed, I went to school the next day to find out they called wondering if I came in, I was 18 please just leave me alone I thought. I called my dad the next day and was left with one of the biggest choices in the world, listen to their rules or get out, I wanted to be with Justin, I had the chance to be with Justin now and I took it, shockingly my stuff was all packed and on the porch already so I think one of two things one they wanted me out and two they knew my answer before I even gave it. I now lived with Justin and his family so Justin's rules were now what I had to follow or I had no where else to go. He did not let me go on my senior trip and because of the nut house months back I did not even get to do the senior questions or pictures for the year book. So months went by with little talking to my parents, I think the first time I seen them was at graduation, I had my celebrations, my pictures, talked a bit and I was off. I was going camping alone with Justin for the weekend and I did not want to be bothered with anyone. Well living with his parents seemed no difference Justin and I still fought a lot but I lived there now, and I basically had no one else, my friends hated me for being with him, I pushed my family out of my life, I only had him and his family so I started to confined in his dad. He always took my side which made his mom mad, and made Justin mad and they wanted us out, so we got a little place in Doverville, we were not there more then a week when Justin said I want to go back home, why I never asked but I paid for the place, I paid the bills I put my money into this place, which now was gone. I think that's what Justin wanted anyway I had nothing, no friends, no family and now no money. Time went on and we fought more and made up time and time again, his dad and I became close because he was the only one that could see what his son was really like and what he was doing to me, one night when Justin was at work his dad and I were talking about what I needed or should do, his dad could not understand why I did not just leave, well things in my life took another unexpected turn, his dad leaned in a kissed me! I was shocked! Still am to this day if you ask me, but I took off like a bat out of hell, how did this man I trusted do this to me?, Now I really felt alone. He begged me to keep this between us and I really did not have a choice did I? Well I felt unsafe there and I wanted Justin and I to move. And move again we did, this time to a town called Greensburge, things there we no different, I had no connection to anyone except when he went to work I used a pay phone down the street to call my family. This place however is when I seen a whole new side of Justin that made me fear him even more! I was trapped in a house all day without cable, a computer, or phone. I had no friends just my books and chores which he made sure I had plenty to do. I could not even go outside, go for a walk, or anywhere without his permission, he became a control freak and he knew I would do as I was told or else. I did however when he was at work sneak out of the house through the window because he would not let me have a key, I made a few friends I would hang out with and go to while he was at work. Well my house work did not get done the one day and he snapped, I mean snapped! He took all the dishes we had and threw them in the sink, clean them bitch! He yelled. He dumped all the trash on the floor, took food and opened it dumped it all over the floor, threw things every where, but he was not done, he moved to the living room, he threw pillows, books, movies, everything and anything breakable or not on the floor, took the vacuum emptied it all over the rugs, went to the bathroom and demolished that as well, really everything in every room was all over the floor, CLEAN THIS HOUSE NOW BITCH! It was after midnight by the time I got done, he however did not help he just sat there laughing at me the whole time, he did this twice to me that I could remember. He also learned about my sneaking out because of the black and blues on my legs. The beatings and name calling did not end there, if he wanted sex he took it and did not care. If he wanted me to rub his back, his feet, his legs, I had to do as I was told, I could not fall asleep when I was tired I had to wait till he went to bed, then when he woke up I had to as well, I was under his total control and he knew it. I was scared of him and for my life! Months went by with this and I remember one night hanging out with his cousin Chris and his girlfriend, Justin and Chris were getting drunk and I knew I had a hell night a head of me because when he drank everything doubled. Well just as I thought we got into a big fight and Chris made me leave with him, feelings overloaded inside of me and I almost slept with Chris, when Justin found out that was it, he snapped but he was not going to say it was over, I was his "pet" and he was not going to let that go. So I was now being beat. Smacked around, pushed around and tripped. He claimed this was not abuse because he never really punched me but I knew it was. It was now November and Justin wanted to move back home again because he did not feel like paying bills but there was one problem I was not allowed there so I had to move back home. I was not happy about this but I had to do what I had to do, I still could do what I wanted, I could see Justin whenever because my parents did not know there daughter was being treated like a slave and being beat. It was now January and things with me did not seem right, I did not get my period and I told Justin about this and he did not like the sounds of it, so we went and got a test. Yes I was pregnant, and yes it was with Justin. I did not know what to do, who to talk to, or even think at this moment, Justin was not happy at all! So that night on the ride home he did something that shocked me, he moved my hands away from my stomach and punched me, I did not know what to do or say, I mean I was scared of him but also scared of my unborn child's life. Well months went by my belly got bigger, no one but myself and Justin knew I was pregnant and that's just how he wanted it. But it was April I could not hide in my hoodies forever, so we told my mom, which told my dad, which sat down and talked it over with Justin, they did not want this child in this house or me so they basically kicked me out again. Justin and I found an house in Philipsburge and moved in, May was my baby shower and of coarse Justin wanted no part in it at all, he though put on a front for everyone and helped out. I remember one night we stayed at his cousins house and Justin fighting with me, of coarse while I was pregnant. He even said that this child was not his and it was not the first time he said it. I was being accused of sleeping with everyone, and the baby at first was his cousins, then his friends and then this person and that person and whatever else he could come up with. He made one of the most happiest times in a woman's life hell for me. July the month my daughter was due. It was the morning of July 26th 2006 and I woke up and I knew something was different, I went to the bathroom and seen blood so I yelled for Justin of coarse he did not wake up till the second or third till calling his name, and only then did he give me the phone to call my doctor. She said I had to come in right away, I remember Justin flying to the hospital in his little grey truck, I remember going into the hospital and being escorted by the nurses to the delivery room, I remember Justin in and out being in the room and getting my mom, but what I mostly remember was it was my mom cheering me on, my mom telling me to push, my mom helping me along, Justin sat in a chair yes holding my hand but that was about it. I wanted him to hold her first, why I have no idea since a part of me knew he did not really want her and did not really want to be there but he did. A bit later we were in my room, and we took pictures and everything but I remember most of all being there alone! Just me and my baby girl. He did not stay much, did not stay the night and was not there for anything except to put his name on the damn papers. Even most of my family (because he did not want them there) and his never showed up. Well we were home, and my life again took a wrench in its gears, Justin now turned on his own daughter. Her crying made him mad and he yelled at her, I being only 19 at the time, and never having a child, plus with my depression and anxiety could not handle this alone, so I sent my daughter that weekend off to my parents, who even though said they did not want her there took her anyway. Months went by with the weekend breaks, I basically a stay at home single mom because Justin would rather hang out with his friends, drink, smoke and party, but I was in a way OK with that because I spent time with my daughter, grew in becoming a mother, and knew I would not get yelled at much. When Justin was home though all we did was fight, the one night I remember him yelling at me so much and then fighting in the bathroom and him gaping a hold of me and slamming me off the bathroom wall, then no sooner were the cops there, scared of him and scared of what he would do to me if I sent him to jail I told the cops to dismiss it and they did. I also remember another night where he was throwing me around the living room and at this point my daughter could crawl, I will never forget the look of fear in that child's eyes and how she crawled over to me crying as if saying daddy stop leave my mommy alone. That was my last straw I had to get out I knew I had to get out but I did not know how, so the only thing I could do was maybe make him leave me, so at this point cheating was my only option. And I did with one of my old friends from school JC it was only a short like 3 day fling, I would lie and say I was going to work and never show up to work and go with JC. I finally felt free and JC told me he loved me maybe this was my way out, maybe I could move in with JC and everything would be fine, wrong again my heart crushed as I learned I was a well 3 day night stand type of deal to make his ex jealous and it worked because I learned he went back to her, I was once again stuck with Justin. I told Justin everything yes it turned into a fight but what did not happen was he did not leave me, but he seemed more distant towards me, and being my secret self I went to find out why by making a fake account on my parents computer which whom I went to visit on the weekends with my daughter and found out he was trying to see other women behind my back, now if he was doing that why did he just leave me, the answer I knew was because I was his puppet and he was the master and held and controlled all the strings. More months went by and I had to sell my car just to pay the bills but money got tight and things got short and we got an eviction notice and had to move out, where we moved though was his parents because mine did not want Justin there and I did not want to split up my daughter's family so I moved in with them, which was another mistake on this long road of mistakes. They treated me like shit only because Justin made his mom believe his dad was trying to cheat on her with me, which made tension for me and made both of them hate me, they treated me like a slave, I had to wake up when then wanted me to, I had to sweep their house, do their dishes and even work on their wood pile, I was not allowed to be myself or do basically anything I wanted again I was trapped! Well we moved from his parents to our own little house in Barnesville, just because it was a different town, a different house, and everything nothing was different! Justin got worse, he now controlled me and our daughter, she was made to stay in her room all day long and if I defended her I got yelled at as well, I had to do what he said or he made my life and hers hell. That's when I met our neighbors an older lady Steph, her husband Dan and their son who was around my age Nick. I found out Justin grew up with them so I knew one of two things either they know how he is and going to pertect me if he starts his shit, or they are going to be like everyone else and defend him. Months went by with the same fights, name calling, and controlling. We sat out on the porch with our neighbors in the summer our daughter sat alone in her room I would have brought her out but all he did was say she was a bother, and I was not allowed to sit in the house because he needed to keep and eye on me no matter what I did, they did not say anything to stop him so I knew I was once again alone. Years went by and I started to confined in my neighbors I wanted to get out and they all could see it, they all knew what I wanted and tried to but again I could not get him to leave me and I was scared at this point to be alone because we were together for so long and he had it drilled into my head no body would ever want me, so I was stuck. I finally met someone named Edward and we began to talk, I was shocked at the time was going back to school and working so Edward had places to meet me. I will never forget the one night Justin and I got into it, he slammed my head into our back door calling me names like slut, whore, and cunt. He threw things at me and said he was going to leave, why I always fought to keep him was because he told me I would always be alone no one would ever want me and after being told something for so long you believe it. I called Edward and said come quick because I needed to get out and plus I was having an anxiety attack! Justin did not stop and when Edward came I ran behind him, by this time I was really bad, I was shaking, I could not breath and I had already passed out a few times, Edward was pissed and I passed out again I woke up slowly this time and Edward knew I had to go to the hospital, which he would not let Justin take me he drove me there. Once we got there I was hooked up to all kinds of machines and such to control my breathing, check my heart rate and everything else, he stayed by my side but Justin was not far behind. I left with Edward a few hours later and he took me home since I could not go back to his house, but that did not stop me from feeling grateful towards him and becoming his secret girlfriend. That lasted about three weeks till Justin caught on and I was busted, of coarse he would not leave me and I had to leave Edward so I was stuck again! Feeling stuck I figured I might as well make it official. I married Justin a year later, one of the worst things I ever could have done because now the deal was sealed. My family and friends hated the idea but they went along with it anyway, why I don't know to make me happy I guess. Another happy day in a girls life was not a happy day in mine. My sister was my maid of honer, my daughter my flower girl, my 3 other brides mates were Kristy, Trish, and Leslie. They all hated Justin, they all did not want me to get married but I felt I had no other choice. The wedding was well OK, not my dream wedding, not my dream anything really more like falling deeper into this nightmare I was in. We got married, we got a lot of money and guess who controlled that as well, yup Justin. All the money even though I was the only one working in the house was his, we did not pay bills he would not let me, we did not pay rent we were renting off his family so he did not care, everything was on my shoulders. The bills, working, the house work and our daughter was all me, while again he found friends to party and hang out with or sat around playing video games. Not even the close death of one of our friends made us closer. I remember one night my neighbors seen his temper, he gasped a hold of me slammed me against the fridge then bent me over the counter chocking me as I turned purple, she begged him to let go and he did, why she did not call the cops I don't know maybe she feared him just as much as I did. Another time I remember was when my best friend and JC were at my house he screamed at me over and over, smacking me, hitting me, calling me names, almost hitting me with his truck as he was going to leave and take our daughter, they did not call the cops either because they all feared what he could do to them. Also rape played a role in this nightmare I was living, he wanted it he took it and he did not care. I remember the one night he threw me on the couch, smashing my face off the side of it, he gave me a bloody nose and all he did what he wanted, he threw me to the ground blood and all and said go for it cunt, call the cops tell them I raped you see what happens. I, of coarse did not because he even said time and time again if he went to jail he would make my life worse when he came out. Months went by things got worse I cheated over and over because I needed love, I needed i someone, I needed out, it almost became a second nature to me. I think he knew but he did not care because he knew I was not going to go anywhere. I even cheated with JC who was his best friend and who wanted me as much as I wanted him at the time. It was about a year we were married when my mom finally told me what she was put through, shockingly it was the same thing I was going through with Justin, and in talking to her and knowing she got out and found someone else to love her and to treat her right, it slowly gave me the strength to get out and want to be free. It was three months later, and a lot of thinking later that I knew what I had to do, but all questions of where I would go because I could not go home, where would my daughter go, and what would happen to me, and what would Justin do ran though my mind. When one day I was talking to one of my friends May on the computer I seen this cute boy commenting on one of her statues and I wanted to talk to him, with saying his picture was cute that was it. We began to talk and I learned who he was, he was single, his name was Jake and man was he cute. We began to talk every day, and every night, at this point Justin did not even bother with me anymore so it was easy to talk to him, he was everything I ever wanted, and when he asked me to be his secret girlfriend I said yes without question, that week we met up after work and I knew I had to be with him. Every part of me was set on Jake and I wanted to get out was this finally my chance at love? My chance to get out? Well finally after a week of thinking and gathering up my strength I went to work and to meet up with Jake afterwards and everything was perfect! That Saturday I went into work only to find out Justin got me fired and that was the last, it was it! I called Jake and told him to come pick me up and he did. After a day of spending with him I knew I could not go back but what about my daughter. I messaged Justin and told him I was staying at a friends house and he was just like yea whatever, well after that day I told him I needed time away and time to think to take care of our daughter, I met up with him a week later to take our daughter out on what she did not know and what he did not know at the time it was going to be the last family outing. I went back to Jake's that night and was finally at peace, I messaged Justin and told him everything I wanted my stuff, it was over and that was finally that. He gave me back my stuff and seen Jake but did not try to do or say anything he knew he was beat. After getting all my stuff I told him I would be back for my daughter, he told me if I took her he would kill me, so that is why I left her with him. I knew he would not do anything to her and if he did he would have hell to pay. So I was out, my daughter was stuck, but not for long, he signed her over to my parents because he knew without me he could no longer take care of her. I was out, I was happy, I knew my daughter was safe, and I was loved. I now for those of you who don't know live with Jake and my son, in April of 2013 a year after getting out, and becoming Jake's girlfriend in Aug 2012 we had a baby boy. I must say it was the best choice I could have made, no one was going to save me but myself and I finally got out! Do you see why I did what I did? Are all your questions answered? Do you see I'm a survivor? Do you understand why I didn't take my daughter with me the night I left? Also I want to say I'm sorry to all that I love and thank you to all my friends and family for being there for me, and for those of you who turned your back on me, will this change your mind on me? HAPPY ENDING DO COME TRUE!
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Hidden Behind Lies
Non-FictionA true story of how I ended up in an domestic violence relationship and how I fought my way thought it and came out stronger on the other side
