Anonymously Found

Confession

"I told him" I said to my friend who was watching me very carefully, and was also trying to decipher my every word as if I wasn't speaking in a language she understood.

"Wait, wait and wait! Did you actually confess to him, after all this time, that you are hopelessly in love with him?" The girl mouthed the word in hysteria with her fingers gripping her hair as if in anxiety and her face spoke only incredulity.

"I'm not in love with him!" I exclaimed with a profound scowl covering my smooth forehead. For it was true. I can't be in love with someone I barely know. Yes I admit that I think about him a lot but that doesn't have to mean there aren't other more important things going on in my mind. He is just a part of it. Plus, I have known him for only two months.

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that. I don't believe a word you say because I've heard you enough times whining about his liaisons." My friend said rolling her eyes. She has a habit of doing that when she's sure of herself. And she's always sure of herself and confident about every word that leaves her mouth.

"He's had only one. He doesn't hop from one to the other in so short a time!" I replied in a rather furious tone. I was tired of repeating everything to her and now there seemed to be no point in doing it again if she's just going to come back to the same thing. I was getting exhausted of this conversation. Besides, I had a lot going on other than this stupid crush that I'd happened to confess to. The dumbest part of it all is that I haven't even seen him, and equally dumbest other part is that what I do know about him should've already stopped me from developing a crush over him, let alone confessing it to him so brazenly.

"Now you're defending him. It's all the evidence I need to deem you a goner for good. Why would you even confess it to him hadn't you been absolutely sure about your feelings for him?" She questioned rhetorically and didn't even bother to give it a questioning tone.

It was true. I wouldn't have confessed such a thing if I wasn't sure enough. I don't know myself that perfectly despite being with myself for nineteen years of my life. I'm always unsure of my decision and regret them exactly after the second I make them. It's not new to me but it does affect my life if those decisions are life changing. Although, I must admit that this confession isn't that big of a deal to create such a fuss that my friend here was creating.

There was a reason behind why I did what I did. It doesn't need much elaboration because it was a stupid thing about which I shouldn't even have been worried about to being with. It all turned out to be a big mistake of mine thereafter because it didn't make any difference in the end. The thing was that he didn't stay even after I poured out things that I was hiding for a month, give or take few days.

"What are you going to do now?" Hannah spoke in her concerful voice. She could be teasing as hell sometimes but she always knows when to act somber and compassionate. She has always been there for me whenever I needed her and I basically don't know what I would've done, if it wasn't for her, in those awkward and needy situations I'd fallen victim to in my past life.

"I'm going to forget about him." I said plainly betraying no emotions I felt then. This was needed to be said for my own sake as well as to subdue her excitement because this was the first time that we were talking about "my" guy and not hers.

"No!" She screamed hysterically and I thanked heavens for not having my parents at home that night. She fell backwards on the mattress with her head hitting one of the pillows which gave away under her weight with a soft sound.

We were sitting in my old bedroom at my parents' house in the sub-urbs of Philadelphia. Our home isn't a large one and least fancy on the street. My mother gardens so it does look presentable to my friends but I still feel a bit embarrassed taking my friends home. Fortuitously my best friend and I grew up together so I feel myself around her and not abashed even by my most disgusting habits.

My parents aren't rich but not broke either. We're living off which is considered satisfactory by my dad and what my mother always bitch about. Even my best-friend considers me poor and pities me to the extent that she lends me her clothes each time she takes me out to her parties which I thoroughly despise. I told her several times not ever to try making me someone I'm not yet who listens?

"What do we do now?" She asked more to herself than me as she watched the ceiling with utmost concentration without actually seeing it and it looked like she had totally forgotten about me. It looked as if her thoughts were running amazingly fast in her brain and obscuring me from her view even when she was thinking about me. I chose not to disturb her.

Hannah Johnson, the prettiest girl in our class who dates only hot guys and gets excited about them in the same way she gets excited about the new shades of lipsticks she buys every week and gets bored of them in the same way. She hasn't found the shade to which she could stick to for the rest of the semester so she's trying her best not to get declared as a whore by the whole class so she's taking it slow with the guys after a long lecture she received from me last semester. We had the biggest fight then but we made up like all best-friends do. She promised to listen and now she's back on track which is focusing on her studies and keeping the good-for-only-sex guys at arm's length.

"What did you say his name was?" She asked instantly lifting her head from the pillow and supporting it on the palm of her hand with her elbow resting on that pillow.

"Michael" I responded at the same time. I was sitting beside her in a relaxed posture yet feeling anxious in mind and stomach. The more I try to control my anxiety the more it wants to make its presence felt.

"Michael, is that all? Didn't he tell you his full name?" She put it slightly annoyed. "Duh" It was my obvious reply to that. Why would anyone disclose their name on an anonymous site and to an unknown person?

"We know his first name. We know which city he lives in. We also know how old he is and his hobbies as well. This should be enough to find him on social media." She said but not so hopefully.

"There would be at least a million people having these things in common with him and, moreover, we can't find someone who doesn't even want to be found."

"You're making sense now. Hell, why do you always have to make sense. You take hope out of everything. Here I was trying to be optimistic. But hey, have you got any better idea?" She sat right up facing me.

"I already told you my idea. Let's just forget about him." It would be the right thing to do.

"And watch you slurping milk and playing with spaghetti obliviously as you'd sit beside me lost in reverie because of that guy? I'm sorry but sue me for being a caring friend. I can't watch you like that." She replied in a matter-of-fact tone.

"I'm fine." I replied in a low voice.

"Oh you mean with these red puffed eyes? No you're definitely not fine." I wished then she would understand the difference between what I needed and what I wanted, and as a good friend, that she actually is, would tell me to pursue the practical thing which was former. I needed to forget him and I knew that I, eventually, would after a month or two.  

This is one of the cross-roads we sometimes hit in our friendship. This demanded patience from one of us. Mostly it was just me who compromised for both of us. I remembered all the good times we've had because of her so I relented.

I could try to make her understand. That was what I was about to do but then her phone rang. She's popular. That's another thing I have to deal with because of her but she gives me enough time not to worry about that. "Is it Jake?" I asked nonchalantly.

"Yeah..." She spoke watching the screen. "Would you mind?" She asked sincerely. "No, don't worry about me. Take the call. Thank heavens that you found someone else to hit your bullshit." I said teasingly. She just made a face and went out in the balcony to talk. She knows me enough to not get mad at such triviality.

In about three minutes she returned worried and stated that she needed to go because her unofficial boyfriend needs her. She said she'd call and that she loves me. She also said that she's going to find a solution for my problem and from the way I know her she was definitely talking about the replacement despite knowing it's never going to work in my case.

I stayed where I was for a minute just pondering then fell back on bed and stared at ceiling seeing nothing.