Fuck me until I'm not sad anymore

21 days before.

Moans fill the room and his lips crash to my neck and his hands go down to my pants. I close my eyes and let it happen, because sex is all I'm ever good for. It's the only time I don't get nervous, the only fucking time I feel like I mean anything. It's never with anyone I care for, because I just don't care for anyone, it's safer that way. I don't fuck people; I fuck bodies. That's all there is to it, just clashing body parts and orgasms. Sex has never been something special for me, i use it as a distraction. A euphoria I got addicted to. I tried love, and it just doesn't work that way.
I'm incapable of loving. I'm incapable of being loved, so I pretend to be a horny asshole all the time. I put a mask on myself so I don't scare the few friends I have away. So I don't scare myself. Feeling terrifies me and id much rather just go along being hollow because that way I can't get hurt. I've made a home out of my numbness and there isn't anything I can do about it.
I grab his member and drop down to my knees, and do the routine. He brushes his hands through my hair and I can't remember what he said his name was but I continue sucking anyways because that's what you're supposed to do. I lick base to tip and twirl my tongue and I've done this so many times I don't even have to think about it. "Tristan oh my god" he moans thrusting deeper into my throat and I can feel my nose graze his stomach.
And I know what you're thinking, "he must have no self respect". And on that you are completely right. I am constantly searching for ways to destroy myself because there isn't any way to save me, I'm too far gone.
I bob my head faster and faster and his breath speeds up and he tugs harder at my greasy hair. "I'm close" he shouts a little too loud and dramatically and soon enough I feel his seed dripping down my throat and i swallow without any complaint. I always feel accomplished, making people orgasm. Because yes, maybe I'm not good at school work or sports, but my god do I know how to make people orgasm. It's the only thing I know how to do. The only thing I'm good at, besides fucking up.
He zips up his pants and yanks back his tie dye shirt over his head. I can still taste his dick in my mouth but I don't say anything. A certain silence fills the room and I almost automatically know what will happen next. He gives me a small smile and nod and whispers a small breathless "Don't tell anybody." And he walks out of my room without another word. I'll see him in school tomorrow and he'll look at me a little too long and walk a bit faster when he takes the same hallway route as me.