broken

Start with a lie

I lied But I have a reason why I did it.

When I started my relationship with my husband , I had been contacted through text or email by men I had either a casual relationship with or my past relationship but that was long long time ago

I deleted text messages just trying to avoid conflict with him so that he didnfeel as if I were trying to keep them in my life. In doing so I have created a mess. He has access to my email, phone, Facebook and any other social media of mine. I had no issues with granting access because I did not have anything to hide.

What is happening is that in providing that access to him he has been reading conversations I've had in the past with these men weather they were just "hello how are you" or if they have been sexual in nature. Again, all of these conversations and connections have been prior to my relationship with him.

What's happening now is he has asked me questions either about the men or even the conversations (some I remember, some I don't) as he's asked me questions I about these past relationships and I have not been openly honest. In asking questions, he already knows the answers to he wants to see if I am telling the truth about my relationships with these men in the past. I have only given him bits and pieces.

While at the beginning of my relationship with him I entertained these texts, they were honestly just texts asking how am I and how my life is going. I deleted them and now he thinks I have been trying to stay in touch with these men for whatever reason. This turn into mistrust .

I was thought giving   total access to my personal stuff , would show I am open and honest have nothing to hide ! But I'm wrong. It backfired , he spend hours and hours he dug and dug. 

All of this is bothering me now and then , I felt tired , emotionally, I felt pity to my self. It hurting me so much thinking I am married for almost 3 years but never I earn his trust . I don't think I should have to do it , to do everything to earn his trust . I don't think this is right.   This is unhealthy relationship it slowly killing the LOVE I felt for him.  I don't think there is a reason to continue  , there is no love without trust . And I had  enough. I rather to be alone and trust my own self .

I do love him soo much, and I'm sorry if you think I am causing pain to you . . Maybe we have to let go if this is for the best . Though it hurts so badly . But when the time is come , and if the destiny want me back to you , I will
Find you .

The worst feeling is when you don't have to give up on someone but you know you have to. And the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.