Last Call
By: Neil Bond
Scene one
(Lights fade up; there is a bar, a bench by the wall, and a couple tables and chairs. One table has a chess board on it. 3 men sit at the bar conversing with the bartender up stage left. And a young man sits alone at a table down stage right with a drink. There is old bar songs (preferably Irish) lightly playing in the background)
Hart: I tell ya rudiger, my wife is like a mix between a bulldog and an Indian.
Rudiger: how d’ya figure hart?
Hart: well it’s simple really, when she’s not on the war path she is sittin on her ass growlin!
(All chuckle at this statement)
Phillip: (confused) I don’t get it Hart?
Hart: no man does Phillip; it’s just the way of things.
Phillip: (confused still) but what does that have to do with life?
Hart: (with the air of a father) everything
Lanyard: (rudely) come on Hart out with it!
Hart: patience my hostile friend.
Lanyard: look we have been sitting here for hours listening to you run circles around your theory on life and im tired of it! Say what you’ve got to say and let’s get on with our night!
Phillip: plus im ready to hear what your theory actually is.
Rudiger: (very sarcastically) yeah I got to hear this one.
Hart: well…… life is like a woman; my wife for example, if you fight with the bitch she turns your world into a living hell! (Chuckles)
Lanyard: that’s it?! That’s what we’ve waiting for all night?!
Hart: (unconcerned) more or less. Top me off would ya friend?
Phillip: I guess he does have a point
Rudiger: (filling up the glass) wow (with sarcasm) such wisdom
Lanyard: (slightly furious) you miserable waste of space! Going on and on for hours about the world and life, yet you never make any sense! (To Phillip) And you! You always blindly agree, even when you don’t know what the hell he is talkin about. Should a drowned you both at birth.
Hart: (sarcastically) aren’t you the sentimental one, Ill take that as a compliment though. What do you think Phillip?
Phillip: what do you mean?
Hart: I mean what do you think about mister lanyards statement?
Phillip: (nervously) I…I uh… I don’t know what I think. (Swallows down the rest of his drink) uh t…Top me off would ya Rudiger.
(Rudiger tops off his drink)
Hart: (playfully picking at Phillip) awe come on Phillip are you afraid of mister lanyard?
Phillip: (unconfidently) no!
Lanyard: (furious now) listen here you son of a-
Rudiger: (firm but not angry) alright boys! Calm it down; I don’t want any trouble in here tonight! (Gentler now, yet still firm) Just a nice quiet evening you here?
Hart: (sincerely) Sorry Rudiger and I apologize to the both of you to. I was just joking around, trying to break up the monotony you know?
Phillip: (hurt) hell of a way to do it Hart.
