The Calm

Realization

Hey everyone, and by everyone..I mean old friends, old co-workers, people I've said hello to in the hallway, people I've gawked over from a distance, people that's ever been sincerely nice to me for no reason... I missed you. I have missed everyone and everything I ever did before the year 2019.  From the bottom of my heart I appreciate you all. You all have given me nothing but love (even the people I've never spoken to). When times were dark and I didn't know where my head was.. I knew where you all were, right beside me,  at any moment I needed you. Even if I didn't talk to you all for weeks, months even...you wouldn't hesitate.  

This is a new story because it's a new part of my life.  I feel like my entire life has just been me, experiencing every stage of Grief there is. Stage 4 is here now, Depression. 

Shock and Denial ✔️

Pain and Guilt ✔️

Anger and Bargaining ✔️

 Depression !         Now, I've dealt with this before, but it's entirely different this time. Different scenarios, different emotions, different ways of dealing with them! This time, I have no one. This time, I did it soley by myself.  This time, I don't see it getting better.  Unless I muster up enough bravery to change my life completely again, pretty much burn down the house and break up the family I built...

Part of me is like, this is what you need to do, the house isn't even sturdy because it's built on bad bones. This side is falling, and the other side is sturdyier than ever. 

But another part is telling to keep holding on and wait for..something. This is what you've wanted, you created a child out of love, out of passion, you dropped everything and changed your life for this, you need to hold on, this is your life, and it gets worse before it gets better.. 

I don't know what to do, why do I have to suffer and have to be by myself for this long just to be fine again, like why is that a needed step? That shouldn't be necessary. I shouldn't miss my old life this much.