BOOK ONE | jace wayland imagines

22. i'm not good for you part three

STORY CREATED BY xcrawlerwood

I should be happy, today is the day i will meet my future husbund. For what i have seen and heard he is the perfect Shadowhunters, just as it should be: strong and confident, with a natural talent for fighting and obviously loyal and in love with the Clave...well, let's just say that i do not wonder why everyone and Maryse adore him. He is not good as much as Jace, he is important just because his family are prestigious like the Lightwood.
After i told Alec and Izzy about my arranged marriage they called Magnus and they explained to him the situation. I can swear that i had never seen him so angry. He was so close to going to strangle Maryse and even without the use of his magic, i would add. Since he and Alec got together, we became very good friends and i am really glad. Fortuanatelly after a cocktail or two and the attempts of Alec to calm him down, he calms. I hope i can have what they have, they seems so happy and in love with each other that they are capable of illuminating the entire room just by staying close. I am happy for Alec, he more than anyone deserves love.
Now we are all in the center room with the other Shadowhunters. Maryse has called a meeting and i want to disappear, literally, i asked Magnus to open a portal but he hugged me and told me to keep walking whit my chin up. I can see Jace and Clary at the other side of the room, Jace is looking around the room in search of something, as soon as he sees us he nods toward Clary and they start coming to us.
"Do you guys know the reason beind this?" he asks crossing his arms.
"Maybe." i whisper and Jace frown, he was about to reply when Maryse cut him off.
"Thank everyone for coming here, i have an important annuncemement. But before, Y/N can you join me?" she asks me, i head towards her while Jace and Clary look at me perplexed. She keeps talking when i reach her. "Today James Blackwine will be here at the Institute. I am proud to announce the union in marriage of two families, the Blackwine and the Lightwood-Y/L/N. He is coming here because we have the honour to organize his wedding with our Y/N." as soon as she finishes talking the whole room bursts in applause and congratulations. I can not do anything but blush and then look at the ground. After a few minutes Maryse ends the meeting and everyone walks away to do their work. Izzy, Alec and Magnus are watching with soft and sympathetic eyes. Clary is looking at me with her mouth wide open and eyes out, i do not dare to look at Jace.
"Are you going to marry? I did not know..." she comments shocked.
"Yeah, me too. I am happy that i wasn't the only one who wasn't told." Jace being harshly. I look at him for a second only to find his eyes already in mine. His eyes. Damn, i missed him, he is more beautiful than i remembered if it is possible. He is here in front of me but he looks at me shocked and disgusted, i look away. I feel guilty, frightened and embarassed under his eyes.
"Why do not you tell me?" he caters only to me, i can feel his eyes burning against me. "A marriage? Where all this come from? Are you crazy or what? Look at me." he adds grabbing my arm and i gasp squeezing my eyes.
Alec pushes away Jace and stands between us. "That's enough, Jace! Stay calm, look you're hurting her and let her breathe."
"No, i do not have enough Alec! I want to know what's going on and what's all this about the wedding! Why nobody told me?"
"Jace..." Izzy tries to speak.
"I'm not talking to you Isabelle. I want to talk alone with Y/N, you go away" ordes Jace. I raise my eyes on him again and he is livid, is face is red and his jaw tightened so much that his lips are trembling a little.
The others look worried at me and i nod "It is ok, go." i say watching them one by one. "I will be fine." i add and after a second Jace drags me down the hall to his room since no one did the gesture to go away. He opens the door and pushes me inside, he comes in and close the door. He turns to me and takes a deep breath trying to calm down and i can feel by body tense, i cross my arms on my chest trying to hide that i am shaking. I was so sicure about my choice, i am convinced that it is right but then he comes and breaks every certainty that i had.
"Why?" he aks with a hoarse voice, when a few minutes ago he was about to explode at any moment, now he seems hurt and empty. His voice are strong as always but is tremling a little. That's what hurts me the most, i prefer to see the strong and sure of himself Jace, rather than the vulnerable Jace in front of me now. I am in love with everything about him but this hurts me, i have never seen this side of Jace and the fact that i am the cause make me feel heartbroken, but i can not give up.
"It seems obvious, there is nothing to explain" i declare finding a bit of strenght and control.
"You have to explain a lot of things instead. First of all why did you avoided me for the whole week? Did i do somthing wrong? And by the Angel why you will marry that guy? Since when? You do not even know him and certainly you do not love him! I do not recognize you anymore!" he says and i can fell that he is heating up, word after word, frustated from my answer.
"I do not have to explain anything to you. You do not care about me, there is no reason why i should explain my choices to you. You only care about yourself and Clary, for you everything revolves around her now! I no longer exist, Alec and Izzy do not exist anymore for you. I am going to marry James Blackwine, it is the right choice. I do not love him now, it is true, but i could do one day. And among all the people you can not talk about feeling to me, where the story that feelings are nothing?" i say irritated pressing my lips together avoiding to say more.
"Do not you dare!" pointing his finger at me. "I care about you, a lot, more than i expected and more than anyone else. I thought about you every day, but you were and you are acting like a child! I spend my time with Clary because for her it is all new and i want to help her, that's all. What you did is unacceptable! You really want to marry a stranger? You are supposed to kiss him, to love and make love with him, to make babies with him! It is not a game! You went out of your mind, i thought you were smarter than this." he yells taken by anger, now his hands are narrow on his hips, his breath are slow and fast and his eyes are locked on mine. His words make me explode.
"See! I can not do this anymore, i am tired Jace. I am tired of arguing with you. We are only hurting each other since Clary arrived and i am very tired of pretending that everything is fine! We are not the same as before and i miss the old Jace and Y/N. I am tired of losing people i care and if i keep you away from me i can not give you the power to hurt me. I just want to forget everything and move on, if this is the only way i will do it. I can not deal with the fact that if i will not do it i will help destroy a family, the family that welcomed and loved me." my voice broke and i realize i am crying so i wipe the tears. During my speech Jace remained unmoved but i can see that he has tears in his eyes too. We are both exhausted, emotionally and physically. I close my eyes massaging my temple because i feel my head spinning, i take a deep long breath and i open my eyes.
"I do not want to fight with you. It if means that we must stop talking for me it is fine. You will be happy with Clary and i will find my happiness with James." i add.
"I'd rather argue with you that to be with other girls or Clary. You've never understood it, right?" he shake his head laughing softly. "You are not the only one that lost his own family, maybe i am the one who understands you the most. We are similar more than you think and maybe this is one of the reasons because you are so important to me. You are right...for me emotions are nothing, they can control us and they have the power to hurt us" he sighs he runs is hands through his hair "Love destroys us. You destroys me every day and i will let you if you want. Do not marry him." he says with queit voice looking at me deeply. He breaks away from the door where he was leaning from the beginning and he comes slowly towards me but i stop him raising my arms between us.
"Don't." i bite my lips fighting the urge to cry or laugh in despair, i do not know. I am unable to move, i remain in silence searching for the right words to say. Just the Angel know how long have i waited for him to say these words, i can not believe it. He is here, in front of me and he just said he has feelings for me. I should burst with happiness but i feel terrible. What i have done?
We are interrupt by the knock on the door.
"Y/N you are in there? James Blackwine has arrived, come to meet him. We will wait for you in my office." i hear Maryse from the order side of the door.
"Ok." i say and she walked away.
I look at Jace and he shaking his head at me. "No."
"I waited years to hear this from you, but now i can not turn back Jace. I always had feelings to you, but you never noticed. It is too late and that's fine, i am not good to you. You are you, hansome and perfect." waving my hands toward him. "And i am...a mess." i smile sadly dropping my arms. I start to go to the door when he takes my arm and makes me turn until we are face to face.
"You do not know want you do to me every day, you are the reason i wake up every morning and that gives me the strength to give my best. You are more than good enough. I should have told you sonner, we could have avoided all this...Are you really sure about this?" he try to look in my eyes but i am having truble to look at him.
"Yes." i lie, i escape from his grasp and quickly get out of his room before he can grab me again. I run to my room where i try to calm down and give me a settled before meeting my future. I wash my face, fix my hair, i put a fake smile on and i get out of my room.