About my life, I guess

He/Him

Inspired by my former best friend writing his story down

„You obviously have gender dysphoria."
A clear statement, made by a professional that I'd seen a few times.
And it made sense to me. It made sense that the hatred for my own body, my voice, my height, the weird feeling of not being right, that all that was gender dysphoria. That I was a boy in a girl's body.
The thought of taking testosterone, going through a mastectomy, it sounded like my only way out.
Until it got too real. Until I got everything I wanted, and I didn't want it anymore.
Borderline Personality Disorder is a funny thing.
I don't know who I am. I keep changing without even noticing, I adjust to my environment, my friends, my significant others.
I'm one thing for a while,
and over night I turn into the complete opposite.
I'm crying because my binder doesn't make me chest look flat enough and my thighs are too wide one day,
and I'm walking around in a crop top the next.
I feel like I always was and always will be a man one day,
and I can't imagine not being a woman the next.

It's confusing, it's painful sometimes, and it makes my impulsiveness all the more dangerous.
But no matter how weird and confusing and different my experiences are, and even though I probably can't imagine what they feel like, I'll always support trans people. It makes me feel sick that some people don't.

Somewhere in my head
I'll always be him