The force in redemption | Kylo Ren x reader | ✔

Chapter 88, Declaring

/ Fist Person Protagonist POV /

I stared at Kylo's extended hand in shock: it brought back so many memories from almost a year ago, when I had first been brought to The Finalizer from Mesoriaam, and Kylo had offered- well, pretty much suggested I become his apprentice without giving me much of a choice to deny his request. I had been such a frightened and innocent girl, and now, I can not call myself either of those. I am not frightened, not of him, and how could I be innocent if the blood of someone is permanently stained on my hands? I remembered how torn I had been when Kylo had politely ordered me to become his apprentice, and in the situation I was in right now, I didn't know if I was given an option either.

I drifted my sight from Kylo's hand to his handsome face, locking eyes with his astonishing chestnut eyes that reminded me of General Leia's. I sensed he was a little bit uncomfortable in this situation: with his hand extended to me as if he were a desperate beggar, but I also saw empathy in his eyes. Even if it was incredibly complex, Kylo seemed to know exactly what was going on inside my head, when not even I could. 

" Y/n." He called out my name, bringing me back from the depths of my thoughts in an instant. Kylo always had an effect on me whenever my name rolled out of his mouth in a way only he could make me feel. 

Neither of us broke off the eye contact, but I noticed that he had retrieved his extended hand, which was now resting alongside his tall figure. No... Does he think I declined his offer? I asked myself, feeling embarrassed and invaded by a meek sadness. 

Truth be told, I wasn't sure I wanted to join the Knights of Ren. I wasn't sure if it was because of lack of force training and connection to it, or perhaps my absence of Midi- chlorians' concentration in my cells, but I was never really drawn to any side of the force. I had read and been told how easily it was to fall to the dark side, but after a year of being surrounded by a Sith lord, and falling in love with one, the only time I had rarely experienced any type of dark power was when I had first held the curved hilt saberstaff and ignited its red blade.

I felt as I was expected to join the dark side because I had been taken by the First Order for so long. Snoke and Kylo thought it, and the Resistance eventually did as well, after I had told them not to come back for me, and possibly even more now that Rey, Finn, and Poe had been the possible witnesses of me taking Givu Djarggi's life. 

I brushed away the sickening memory and concentrated on Kylo's piercing and focused glance on me, as I tried to return the same energy in my glance, but it was hard: Kylo had such an intense stare. 

I had just now noticed the situation I had caused, and I realized I had stayed silent for maybe too much time. " Kylo." I muttered, which caught his attention even more as he shifted his weight back to his left leg, how he was standing a while ago. " In all honesty, I am at loss of words." I started saying, not sure where this rise of true words was coming from.

" It is quite difficult for me, do you know that? Did it ever cross your mind how complicated some of the situations I end up in are?" I told him, sounding annoyed even though I had rarely been this calm while expressing myself. " I do not know what to respond. Of course, I want to take your hand no matter what, I want to accept your offer, to be with you. The Knights of Ren? I am just not sure it fits my type of persona. They are heartless and brave, trusted and loyal soldiers. I do not know if I,  could also be like them someday." 

The words came out of me like a flood of sentences, and I immediately felt as if some weight had been relieved from my shoulders. " I stayed, I came back, all for you Kylo. Hell, most things I do, it is all for you." I mumbled as he remained quiet, noticing I needed this time to express how I felt on the inside. To babble out everything I had kept bottled inside for who knows how long, and it was slowly being vomited out in a pile of words. " It's hurting, you know? To deal with everything that goes on all the time. The constant kidnappings from both sides, the obligations to pick who my loyalties are with, and knowing I am being constantly forced into joining a tribe I wanted no part of, like being a Praetorian Guard, and now a knight?!"

Speaking my mind felt good, which was an understatement, it felt awesome. I hadn't answered Kylo's request, but at this moment, I couldn't even think about it. I was slowly processing all the events from the past year, which had guided me until this present moment where I was babbling out all of my inner thoughts I had only shared with my little conscience, who seemed to have abandoned my mind for quite some time now. 

" I want to take your hand, Kylo. You have no idea how much I yearn to do it, but I'm not sure I can." I stuttered nervously, but I somehow couldn't quit the intense eye contact we were both holding as I spoke. " But I do not know if I am capable to join the Knights of Ren. I don't think I'd be able to... kill someone again." I said, my voice breaking at the last couple words.

I broke off the eye contact and looked at my shoes, forcing tears to not fall down my cheeks as I remembered the sickening feeling I had felt when I had taken Givu Djarggi's life. I felt a gloved hand on my cheek, Kylo had obliged me to face him with the soothing feeling of his palm on my burning cheek. 

We locked eyes once again and he kneeled down in front of me, pulling me into a tight embrace as I slipped off the chair and into his arms. He typically buried his face between my neck and shoulders and breathed next to my ear, sending ticklish sensations throughout my body. I wrapped my arms around his left arm and leaned my head against his chest, hearing his heartbeat steady. 

" Please." He murmured into my ear as he tightened the grip on my waist.

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I'M SOFT.

Kylo's little vulnerability moments are killing me with how cute he is!!!!!

I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I noticed I am almost at 90?! I'M CONCERNED, VERY PROUD OF MYSELF, AND HAPPY.

I can't wait to share what's going to happen next!!!!!!

Have an amazing day or night!!!! I hope you are liking the story so far!!!!

- Camille