The Man I Fell In Love With And The Reason I Ran Away

How it happened

All it took was one look to realize something about him would be different from any other guy I've met. It was a sunny day in the month of June. I had Left Virginia to go on my way for vacations to see my mother. After a long 30 hour trip to my moms house by bus I finally arrived. At first, everything seemed normal I gave my mom a hug, ate some dinner. And soon after that went to bed. The following day I went out with her, visited My home town where I grew up as a kid relive a lot of memories. But it wasn't until the third day of my vacation when I'd finally meet him, my step brother; the second oldest son of my moms current couple. It was quite random I might say. It was a Wednesday morning I was sitting down enjoying The Flash on Netflix when all the sudden I heard a soft soothing voice from the kitchen; then I look towards the kitchen in curiosity. to then see this young handsome guy with short black hair, glasses, tattoos and whom was pretty fit; approach the living room. His sense of fashion was amazing! He had a ripped band tee, a flannel tied around his waist, skinny jeans and a nice pair of checkered vans. I was in awe. At first I didn't realize who this person was until my mother presented him to me. He was my step brother! I was in shock I felt so ashamed to even look at him straight in the eye. I looked like a hot mess! My hair was all messy, my clothes were dirty and I was just sitting like a couch potato watching Netflix. Nothing about me looked appealing to say the least. I stood up said hi nervously, I remember shaking hands with him and from that moment on I knew his presence would have a different effect on me..one that shouldn't be, but was. But I was only there for a week and although we did spend time together and as one employee from Zumiez told us when we went to the mall on my last day of vacation. We had built quite the chemistry. He even told me when I asked him for his opinion on a shirt I bought that day that I looked cute. I knew something was going on between us, but I was only going to be there for one more day nothing was going to happen. And nothing did. Not until several months later when what I thought was going to be my best decision yet turned out to be my worst. Fast forwarding to August. We kept in contact during the months in between. I started having problems with my sister and so I left Virginia and moved in with my mother. And what can I say..our friendship was amazing! We hanged out at bars, went out to eat at places like IHOP, hanged out at his house. Met his other younger siblings and garnered such affection for them! I never felt the desire to be a family person because mines was all kinds of broken and that's all I knew since I was a kid: instability, pain, anger and I didn't want that for anyone else in my life but his family soon became like my own. His mom had even adopted me as another daughter of hers! I never felt so much family warmth in my life. And those kids they can't be my sons but I surely wanted to be an aunt figure for them. And I had finally landed a good job at Planet Fitness slowly but surely my life was coming together piece by piece and so it seemed until the night of October 30th. I went out with him and some friends to the bar. I got half drunk and I asked him if he can accompany me outside because I needed some air. It was too cold so he offered to take me to the car and there I laid my head on his abdomen while he just sat with me in the back seat. We spoke and before I could catch myself saying it I confessed my feelings at this point I had no doubt how I felt but I also knew at that time that he was dating someone and that's why sober me decided to keep my feelings a secret. But drunk me didn't see it that way. Drunk me wanted him to know how I felt despite the consequence. And his only words were: "I like you too." And I remember replying to him that he did but only as a friend and then he followed with "No...not as a friend." And for a moment I felt an unexplainable rush within me as he slowly touched and caressed my lip and his soft lips slowly touched mine giving me a gentle but passionate kiss. It felt magical it felt so right. In that instance his best friend comes up and he stopped got out of the car they spoke for a second and then he came back in but on the drivers seat and his best friend got on the passengers side and he gave his friend a ride home. After he dropped his friend off me being silly I asked him if we had just kissed and with sarcasm he replied "no we just made out." And then he followed his response with "we did kiss and honestly I want it to happen again." And all I could manage to say after that with my eyes closed almost about to fall asleep was "me too" and he got excited he said "yeah?" In form of a question but with the enthusiasm because we both I guess were on the same page. He said he would find somewhere to park so we could talk. And when he did he came back to the back seat and before I could realize what I had done I found myself kissing him again and soon after that second kiss he started kissing my neck and it didn't take more than five minutes before we got intimate and I have to say despite my senses being slightly numbed out and being under the influence of alcohol it felt right it felt perfect. I knew he was the one or so I thought. After that night our relationship progressed. I started going out to his house more often, we started sharing so much more time together, he cooked for me, made me coffee. We watched movies together, and eventually the words I love you came out of my mouth as they did from his and everything was perfect...a perfect secret because he soon didn't want me posting any pictures of us because he didn't want his ex to find out he was dating someone else (which at the time did not question further and understood) I wanted communication and understanding to be the foundation of our relationship. I truly wanted us to work out. and because we are step brothers I also kept it a secret from my mom. Eventually his mom found out and so did mines and they didn't seemed bothered by it. At this point I thought we were meant to be and that love was real. He was my first for so many things I just couldn't help to love him so much. But then on January first of the following year only after two months, everything changed. He broke up with me around 11 pm that night in the hallway of the apartment where I lived at. He said he had his doubts and that the fact that we were step siblings concerned him. He didn't want our relationship to affect my moms relationship. But at this point I already knew and told him because I had spoken to my mother prior about it that things weren't going well between her and his father anyways and that our relationship had nothing to do with hers. But he insisted and said that he was afraid he'd hurt me. And that either we broke our hearts or broke his fathers heart and he didn't have the courage to do that. We knew his dad wanted to marry my mom eventually. And that we owed them the benefit of the doubt. And I asked him if he was willing to wait at least two months or three to see where my moms relationship headed with his father and he agreed we promised each other we wouldn't change with one another and that this wasn't a definitive end it was just a pause. But soon I'd realize it was all a lie. Just two weeks after he was already in a new relationship with his ex from highschool, she has two kids. And I always knew from the start that he had the desire to be a father (he even insinuated that he'd like to have kids with me in a future) but he has a condition that doesn't allow him to ejaculate therefore his chances of conceiving one of his own were slim to none. And I remember telling him the night we broke up that I was willing to try and someday have a kid with him it's what I wanted. That I could see myself marrying him (as he also insinuated at some point) I started to see myself in the bigger picture with him. But clearly none of it was real enough to him he replaced me like I was nothing and then he actually had the audacity to take her to my home and present her as a friend. After we broke up he did change with me, communication became limited and he barely even came by the house he started going out with his friends and didn't invite me. And his only excuse was: I'm busy. The coward didn't have the courage to admit he had already replaced me with someone new yet he had the audacity to take her to my home. Or what was my home. I was so destroyed internally I hated myself so much for opening my heart to him. He knew everything about me. I trusted him with some of my heaviest secrets that I haven't told anyone except him. He knew about the first man I fell in love with who broke my heart just as much and who it took me over a year to overcome. I warned him to not let me get attached if he wasn't willing to stay. He made so many promises and now I found myself with all that baggage and I was broken. I couldn't bare with the thought that he had found someone new in his life already so fast and that everything that seemed so real from the start turned out to be a lie and I fled. I ran away from home and with barely no money in my name I ran to the other side of the country where I had no one, nowhere to be; and I had one last conversation with him on the phone where he said he only cared for me as a sister and to get over it because I would find someone else. He never took one second to acknowledge the emotional pain he caused me, instead he kept making the conversation about me and telling me that I was selfish and acting like a kid for running away. And then he said there was no going back. No going back to "that relationship" and the way he said it. The tone in his voice it's almost as if I was the worst thing that ever happened to him. He hung up on me left me crying that night...now for a second time he leaves me when I'm crying, when I'm hurt. He told me he wants to do things right with her that he's been honest with her that she already knows about me and that when he met her kids it made him realize how much he's missing out on. And of course I could never possibly give that to him. And the sad part about all of this, is that he doesn't even care. He's living his best life with his new girlfriend and working as an EMT winning good money while I'm in a home full of strangers across the country with nowhere to go because each door I'm trying to open keeps closing on me and now I have no hope left. No hope, no goals, no dreams. He ruined my life and there's nothing I can do to fix it. He was the man I fell in love with and the reason I ran away...