journal

Fuck I hate being out

02/11/2020 (February 11, 2020) 

Today was a really shitty day. I woke up at 6:50am for school which is a bit earlier then normal, but I used the extra time to make myself breakfast and take extra time getting dressed. My sister and I drove to school and did our normal stuff. I had lessons so instead of actually going to keyboarding class I went to my drum lessons, but I hand was hurting so I ended up half-assing the whole thing. I got back to class just bit before keyboarding was over so I just decided to take my computer with me to next class. 

Next class was easy, but at the end I talked to mrs.H about my ADHD and told her that I'm struggling with our essay and she told me that you know she understands that I'm struggling, but says that it's okay if it's not perfect because it's just a draft which I'm happy about. 

Lunch was shit though. I sat with C, E, L, G, and CH on the floor under the chalkboard like normal. At first it wasn't that bad until C came in and said extremely loud that I should give her my lunch. Of course I said no and held my burrito to my chest like a baby. She whined for a minute before moving away to sit by E. I was sitting off the side because I wanted to lean on the wall. C sat between G and E. L sat in front of me and C sat on the side of me. G asked C what was up and C said "I'm becoming non binary". 

I didn't say anything as I've asked her many times to not say that she is going to become something because that isn't how it works, but I didn't open my mouth because I was honestly more worried about my essay then I was her. E looked at me and then at C before saying "Well you born as a gender so you can't change it." I froze. I had already unpacked my lunch so I just picked everything up and walked away because I know I was about to punch him. 

I sit my stuff down at the table that my sister was sitting at and I walked out of the art room (Where we eat lunch) and into the empty lab room. I pretty much curled up on the floor and fucking sobbed into my hand for a minute before calming down and going back into the classroom. When I sat down with my sister and my friends in my grade. One of them told me that E said "Of course she's upset about it".

I didn't say anything because I know that I don't want to say anything out of anger. My friend A, W, and I were all sitting at a table a bit away from C when she turned around and pointed at us and said "They don't support me" and started to scream about us not supporting her. A and W both agreed that if she is going to claim she is non binary then she shouldn't keep trashing talking people who are trans. What is the point in saying you are non binary and then trash talking people who are in the same community as you. 

After lunch I went and talked to the student coach because I knew I wasn't going to able to calm down after what C had said. He and I started talking. He and I both agreed that what C was saying is upsetting to some people. Now I have to have a meeting with her tomorrow at lunch! 

I'm extremely upset and I really feel like I'm gonna relapse with my selfharm because I feel like a horrible person for going off like that. In other words I'm gonna go home and cry.