bits and pieces

suicide

Today they found one of my neighbors dead. He hung himself.

There is this saying in my country that if something happens "I will kill myself" and everyone uses it but I they don't actually mean it.They don't realise the true meaning of the words they are speaking.

I don't know about anyone that has intentions of killing themselves , but I know that I sometimes think about it. I'm not saying it's a healthy , normal thing , because it isn't , but on some days I think about it. I wonder what it would be like, how it would affect the people that know me and if I have a good enough reason to do it , but I know I wouldn't.  Because I am a coward and I know it. I am scared of  the unknown and I am scared of death even if I shouldn't be. I don't have the courage and power to do it and that's why I consider myself weak. I respect in some twisted way the people that had the mental power to do it. I know I couldn't and it scares me to think that I have no control over anything.

Everything that is new and unknown to me is the most scary thing in the world. That and making a choise. But the ideea here is that I think I  know , even the slightest bit , how it is to be considering suicide and maybe I am not in the position to give advice and maybe this text will never make it to the light , but my opinion is : suicide may seem to be the best and last option you have and you may think that this is the most important and powerful choise you will ever make , but it isn't. Choosing to live even through all that pain that you fell for some reason shows so much more power .

Everyone will tell you that you are beautiful and great and all that,  but it's not what you want to hear , is it now? You want actions because they speak so much more that plain words. Even so , they can't help you if you don't help yourself.  For others to start swimming towards you , you need to send a sign that you are drowning.