Dear Love,
that may be the first time talking to you, but not the first time calling for you. Because I have done that too often.
My entire life I heard about you, waited for you, searched for you, and missed you - and I never met you.
So, why are you still hiding from me?
When I was younger, I thought to feel you. I still remember how you felt: warm and secure.
First, I saw you in the eyes of my parents but when did that change? I could see how you retired from both, without saying Goodbye. You left me alone.
When your opponent overtook me, I lost you. The lie laying on my life, forced me to be skeptical and it forced you, to leave me. But you didn't leave me, no, I lost you. It felt like you have gone so far away from me, that I forgot how you could feel like. I forgot how it is to love, Love. And wherefrom should I know how you feel when you take from me the ability to love. But what you left me was pain and loneliness.
So I tried it without you.
In some moments I saw a spark of you. When you looked at me with your clear and honest eyes trough my brothers and sisters, I knew that sometimes I would find you again. And that spark gave me hope.
And then I met you, for a little time. You finally showed me, how it feels to feel appreciated and more important, how to appreciate. I was so thankful for that.
But as fast as you came, you left again. Not because you wanted to leave, I made you leave. I couldn't be able to stand the luck coming with you. So I lost you.
After it, it was so dark because you didn't show at least one sign of life of you.
I searched for you in the arms of so many, but you weren't there.
That hurt so bad, I thought you were gone forever. I knew, this could be the ending, because I wasn't giving you any chance anymore. I was so disappointed, I punished myself again and again and didn't even tried to search for you although I was craving you so bad.
However, I met your friend luck und I knew, you couldn't be far away. She was there for short moments, but those ones kept me alive. That's when I learned, that some things don't last for long time and are only stamped by seconds. Important is, to keep the feeling in memories und enjoy them. Take the warmth into the cold.
I wanted more. So I changed everything around me.
But that didn't help.
I despaired. What should I do to finally find you?
Because I couldn't find you in others, I started asking myself if you even exist, Love?
And I began to despair of me. What, if you don't want to find me, because I sent you away before?
I knew, if I continued craving you, you would never come.
So I tried to forget about you, started to live, cause there was no other choice.
That went really well for some time.
On good days more than on bad days.
And without noticing, there were more and more good days in which I didn't only met your friend luck, but joy, self-composure and lightness.
Slowly, I got to know my place, I could see where I belong to.
That strengthened me so far. Until I realized, that there is no need to search you, that I could't find you, but that I need to let you happen. And more important: I need to give you to someone to feel you, Love. Because without giving you, I couldn't see you although you were standing in front of me.
And even though I'm still craving for you, I know now, how to find pieces of you, which will connect us.
