SCPs but they're explained by an idiot

SCP-071 (VALENTINES DAY CHAPTER AAAAA)

Nothing explicit, I said, well, when I said it, it wasn't Valentines Day.

Also: i HAVe tHE MEME For tHiS YeS

Addendum: There is sexual sh*t. Reader beware. 

(I bet you guys don't care for warnings or anything, so this will be fine, I hope.)

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: 071 is contained in a standard humanoid containment cell.

Experimentation with 071 is to only be preformed with permission from at least two (2) Level 4 Site Directors,  and personnel entering SCP-071's containment area may only do so in groups of at least four (4).

For a good reason, guys.

Use the buddy system.

Any personnel exhibiting unusual or....compulsive behavior must be removed from the area. IMMEDIATELY.  And they also have to be given a full psychiatric screening. 

Because that sh*t messes with your head, mate.

ALL VISUAL RECORDINGS AND PHOTOGRAPHS OF 071 ARE TO BE DISCARDED WHEN THEY ARE NO LONGER NEEDED.

FOR F*CKS SAKE, WE DON'T WANT A REPEAT OF *LAST* TIME.

Description: 071 is a metamorphic entity that possess the ability to transform into the observers greatest sexual desire. 

"Come on, there's a slug downstairs that transforms into your greatest sexual desire, but this is too much?"

"Wait, it transforms?"

Yes, 071 was that SCP. From Confinement. Does anyone here watch Confinement?

Okay, well, moving on, 

This ability is effective even through barriers, like one-way mirrors and closed-circuit surveillance.

But delayed surveillance works, I don't know why, though.  

071 either can't or won't change forms without external stimulus, remaining in its last form when left unobserved.

Damn, I was going to make a meme based on what 071 would see if it looked at itself in a mirror.

.....Itself..?

Well yes, but actually no.

071 appears to be intelligent, but it is unknown if it actually possesses sentience, or if it just mimics behavior.

The world may never know, and I'm okay with that, I mean there are other mysteries worth solving...

"Human subjects allowed to engage in sexual activity with SCP-071 suffered rapid atrophy of muscle, skeletal structure and brain function, with onset occurring 1-2 days after contact. " 

The atrophy persists for up to seven days.

Notice how I'm staying calm and not freaking the heck out right now. I feel chill, I don't why, but life is great.

For now.

"Subjects who achieve auto-gratification through masturbation via the use of media containing SCP-071 (whether delayed or not) suffer the same effects."

....Moving on, 071 came to the Foundation's attention after {DATE EXPUNGED}

Good. You know, I say knowledge is power, but this time, I think I can let this fly.

Addendum 071-01: Researcher Note

071's ability to change forms is not limited to human subjects.

"when presented with subject D-7883, SCP-071 assumed the shape of a female Golden Retriever. D-7883 reacted with shock and refused to proceed with the experiment, though the subject's physiological signs were consistent with a state of sexual arousal."

D-7883 is a furry I knew it.

(That's why they were in jail, dummy!)

On X/XX/XX, 071 assumed the form of a corpse when exposed to subject D-8762.

(Someone has necrophilia...)

Why do I know that word and how to use it? Why, why, why...

071 suffered no harm.

Well isn't that just lovely?

-Dr.{REDACTED}

Happy Valentines Day, or Independence day, if you're Aro/Ace!

Don't get into any wars, unless you're me!

Also, I'm in a war with my friend, so don't be too surprised when that happens.