we are flowers {cake au}

chapter 8; let him be (october 15)

center of a crowd, talking much too loud, running up and down the stairs
well, it seems to me that you have seen too much in too few years
and though you've tried you just can't hide your eyes are edged with tears
nineteenth nervous breakdown; the rolling stones

★ calum ★
"the issue- calum! it's not as easy as it looks!" luke says.

calum's eyebrows furrow together is confusion and frustration. "that's not-! i wasn't saying that it's easy, luke, i have no idea what it's like for you!" calum replies. "i have no idea what it's like to have voices in my head. the only voice i've had is my own!"

"calum, if you'd just shut up and listen for once. it is my own voice! whose did you think it was? my mom's? my dad's? it's my own, but it's not for the better! you know this! i've told you this!" luke tries to walk towards calum's door, but calum grabs his arm.

"luke, please, listen. i only asked you to come with me. i only wanted to take you to california, luke, that's all."

luke looks at calum in a way that makes calum feel stupid. "take me to california, to meet your parents, who hate homosexuals. that sounds like a splendid idea, calum. because i don't have a hard enough time thinking about how my own father will hate me if he finds out about what i did with you? my own father who will beat me?"

luke is sweating and breathing heavily and he looks overstimulated. "luke, i'm sorry, but you're the best person i've ever met! maybe? i don't know, maybe they'll meet you- and, and-.. i'm not sure why i thought it was a good idea. maybe they'd see the way i feel about you and the way you feel about me? i don't know, it was- it was stupid."

"-cal. calum oh my fucking god calum please help me. i can't breathe calum this is a panic attack-" luke falls to his knees and calum drops down next to him.

"luke! what's wrong? what do you need? what can i do?"

calum hates himself for putting his little lukey in this position where he has a panic attack. he let it get out of hand and he's so angry with himself; he'll do any thing to make up for his idiocy.

"first-shut the fuck up-.." luke wheezes and tears are falling down his face in large, wet bundles. "also, also- also. physical contact," he says, and calum hesitates. physical contact is usually what people don't want. "i know it says not to touch us in the fucking pamphlet, calum, but please- in my case it's important-! i just-" big breaths. "i just need a hug, or some thing." luke's voice clinches up at the end and he's sobbing and it's heart wrenching.

calum grabs luke and engulfs him in possibly the biggest hug he's ever given. luke's breathing evens out, and calum can hear his heart beat at a regular pace. he let's go of him and they separate.

"why do you get so pretentious about things, calum?" luke asks.

"are you kidding me? luke- you just- are we really going to talk about how pretentious i can get? i said i'm sorry!"

"calum, i couldn't possibly care less if you're sorry. i- i can't function, you know this. i know that i could've been nicer about it- b-but, you could've thought."

"oh, sweetheart... don't ever say you can't function. can't is always really won't, isn't it? you can try, right? i know you don't believe in yourself, lukey, but i believe in you so severely i'm afraid my head'll explode. you can be great- every one can be great if they try to be great."

"i h-hate this. i hate every thing."

"i wish you would open up more," calum says. "i have no inkling of how you're feeling and it drives me crazy. it makes me angry. you can trust me, you know."

"you want to know how i'm feeling?" luke asks, and calum is, frankly, a little scared because he has a sad and angry look on his face. "i'm feeling like i wish i never met you! i'm feeling like if i never met you, i wouldn't care about you. if i never met you, then you wouldn't love me! i could go! i could kill myself, just like i've always wanted to!"

calum sighs and holds his head in his hands. "luke- right now, right, right now, i need you to tell me every single issue you have. every diagnosable disorder, even if it hasn't been diagnosed. i need you to tell me every thing. i need to know if i'm falling for an absolute psychopath."

luke looks as if he is going to break. hell, he probably will soon enough. "not quite," he mutters. "not quite. almost." luke tumbles on to calum and calum wraps his arms around luke and they're sitting like they were just minutes earlier. "almost-"

calum feels dazed and detached from every thing other than luke. "you've numbed me, luke. you've numbed me, achingly so. i've never once felt this way, you know," he looks at luke in a way that he wants to come off as astounded and sincere but could very easily come off as belittling instead. "i've always felt things, yeah, i'd feel love and hate and sadness and hope... i'd feel curious, and i'd feel uninterested. but i've always felt about every thing. i've felt about every thing and cared about nothing. and now? now, i only feel about you, and i only care about you."

luke looks at calum, anxious and solidified. "that's not healthy," he says, his voice barely detectable.

"now, will you please, please tell me. what the hell is wrong with you?"

"i've been- erm, i'm sorry... i've been to the doctor's office five times in one week before," luke whispers. "all for one thing. it's happened. it happens. there's the schiz, you already know that. and i don't think it's hard to tell just by looking at me that i'm depressed as fuck. i've been highly depressive since i was little, you know. it's also easy to tell that i've been diagnosed with extremely agressive cases of anxiety and panic disorder."

there's a new silence in the room, and it's deafening. luke's not even sniffling. calum's not sure if either of them are even breathing, but then he remembers that they're both alive, and he knows that they are breathing, even if it doesn't sound like it. "...is that it?"

luke breathes out a self deprecating laugh. "yeah. mostly."

"you know i'm always going to be here for you, right?"

"it's a little hard to believe some times," luke whispers. he's voicing his voice, and it makes him feel better because he's sure calum will listen. "i'd like to meet your parents, i think. maybe not now, or soon, even, but some time."

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hi guys it's been a while here's a chapter im sorry it's not that good

-m