At The First Place

Meteor Garden

I remember the first day that we met
Your pretty eyes I can never forget
In my heart and mind
The thoughts of you
Sealed and tattooed
(Can't Help Falling In Love, Harlem Yu)

Weeks ago when the invitation for Ace VS Ace came, my company was quick to brush off one of the supposed guest list. There was no way that he will ever accept. Jerry Yan doesn't do variety shows. He just doesn't. Their absolute conviction fooled me into a false sense of security.

Seven days before the scheduled recording though, my company told me of the confirmation of two of the invited guests. I sat on my chair then, staring at them wide-eyed as my bosses remind me that I am remake Shan Cai and implored that I make good impression to the original stars of Meteor Garden. But the panic must have been obvious in my eyes. And why should it not? Seven days. I only had seven days to mentally rehearse what I should and should not do, what I could say and could not say - when I am introduced to two of the former F4 members.

In a fevered frenzy, they dictate pointers I needed to remember lest I embarrass the whole agency. F2 were senior actors, I should show them respect. I should do my best to rein in my silly childish acts. I was not to fangirl as Ken Chu would not be swayed by such. But most importantly, just because Jerry Yan(my agency too till that moment seemed unable to get over the fact that he actually agreed) was once the hero of the series I led in the remake, I should not fancy any illusions that he would treat me in any special way. I find it silly that they felt the need to repeat again and again that I was only remake Shan Cai.

Dong Shan Cai. For many months, I have breathed life into her and yet somehow, I am still not her. When I actually landed the iconic role, I had raced down a street just to let out my excitement. I didn't realize then the amount of comparison I was to face. Everywhere viewers complained that new Shan Cai was not spunky enough. They also hated my whole cutesy act. As for the critics, at their nicest they just refer to me as having a "lackluster performance".

The comparisons were endless but in the end it was what it was. The truth was I was Dong Shan Cai of the remake. Almost 20 years ago, someone became THE Shan Cai. I should just be grateful that I was given an opportunity to try and be her.

As an artist though, I would try to analyze my shortcomings and so I came to the conclusion that maybe I could just never project Shan Cai because I was just too different from her strong-willed personality. Even her feelings I just can't channel properly. Because although most would agree that Dong Shan Cai was always meant for Dao Ming Si, for me (even when I was a child who watched the original version), it had always been to the character of gentle Hua Zhe Lei with his lonely eyes and sad smiles that draws me in.

Really, it was no wonder why people say I will never be their Shan Cai.

And now this. I was to meet the very person who would be the best judge of all how far from Shan Cai I was. Jerry Yan. Original F4 leader. Legendary Dao Ming Si. For a heart-stopping moment, I wonder if he will resent that I once said I prefer Vic Zhou.

It was just so surreal that I was actually going to meet him. When I filmed Meteor Garden remake, my co-stars and I would joke to Producer Cai and Sister Dee to arrange us dinner with the original cast members. They would laugh and promise one day. Maybe. But they would also explain how beautiful Barbie Hsu was busy with her businesses and kids. Vic was also busy with his own daughter. Van Ness busy with flying here to there. Ken busy with his advanced degrees. And Jerry Yan? Well, he loves his privacy.

But now it was happening. I was going to meet both Ken and Jerry. It was really happening. And so even with all of the lectures from my company, it was inevitable that that night I still ended up spending a few hours researching on F2. My company wanted me to make a good impression, it was necessary I learned things about them beforehand. Even without social media back in 2001, I manage to find all sorts of funny anecdotes from fans. There were also many positive articles from the media. I also saw countless pictures and videos of original F4 before going to sleep that I guess it was not that all surprising I dreamt of Jerry Yan's be-dimpled smile.