Forbidden Transitions

Part I - Beginning is the end

There are certain things in life , no matter how badly you want it , you cannot have them all to yourself . You have to let them go , that's how life  is no matter how much your heart hurts , no matter how shattered you feel, no matter how empty you feel. You just can't have it all. when there's so many people involved , it's even harder. You just cannot hurt someone else who loves you just because of your selfish wants. When there are three hearts involved it's even harder.

I never thought that my life would come to a cross road like this. I thought I'm settled for life now. But now I see how wrong I was. And I  cannot do anything about the situation I put myself  in. There's no one I can blame this on. It's all on me. I'm the one to be blamed . It's my heart that keeps getting swayed . Even after all these years, even when I have all the things that a person would want in life. I still want more, my heart still asks for more. how selfish I have become .

I hate it. I really hate myself . I knew what I was getting in to , it was all for me to choose. Yet I always choose the hardest path. No matter what, it's always the hardest path. I hate it . I hate that I'm like this. I'm so unpredictable even to my self.

Others may see me as an open book, but I'm not. There's so many layers to me, it's like finding another quantum realm , one after the other. you don't know untill you are there. It's that unpredictable.

The things that happened yesterday... I don't think that anyone would even believe I'm capable of something like that, even if I tell them that myself. Even I was surprised that it turned out like that. I promised myself that I wouldn't do something like that, that I'll rectify the situation.

But no..........

I made it even worse. I involved my heart into the deepest of it's roots........

A part of me died yesterday, and another part of me was born. Now I have to tackle both to survive. And I have to hide that part of me so deep that even myself wouldn't find it .

It's hard........

I never thought it'll be this hard. That it'll get to this point. I'm playing with three hearts . It's so disgusting yet I cant do anything about it. I really have to stop. I have to stop myself from doing anymore damage. Or damage control. Either way it'll likely to get worse.

This secret of mine cannot be discovered by anyone else. I cannot let that happen. It'll be the end then. It'll be the end of me. End of how I see myself, end of how others will see me. It's so unfair, to so many people. It's ok that I'm the one being hurt. I can't let anyone else go through it. It's not fair for them. Not fair at all......

Both of them love me, and I love them too. I dont know how but my heart seems to have so many compartments than an average human .

Maybe I'm not human at all.....

I've built my whole life with one of them. We practically grew up together, made our lives together, dreamt together. It was all set. Just the next step remaining,  to be each other's forever. Then my stupid heart went on to explore more. I can't shatter all those dreams.

I will not do that......
I cant do that.
I will not.
I cant stoop that low......

I can't explain what happened yesterday, how it happened or why. I dont have the answers to these questions. I wish if I knew. But I don't......

He was so gentle with me , so so gentle. I never knew someone could be that gentle with all that passion, because all I've experienced before was extremely passion driven kinda rough love. So it was so surprising. Maybe thats why I felt so safe, so loved . It's so frustrating yet so liberating. His touch, all the movements, the kisses, that gaze , all were so gentle.....

Just like a butterfly wing , a feather.......

It was like I'm made out of glass. He was that gentle. Never too fast, never too hurried, just so gentle like he was savouring ever single moment of it. Like that I'll disappear like smoke . I felt all that so deep in my heart. I never thought I'll see another side of love like this. it's a forbidden love. Yet I felt it, I'm yearing for it. Even though I can't have it. I can never have it.

A part of me regrets all that happened yesterday. but another part of me wants it all, glad that it happened, glad that he was so gentle.
Now i understand his words , the words he wrote for me. It's like he knew what I was feeling, what I will do in the end. It all fits perfectly that everytime I hear those words my heart shatters into a million pieces.

Why did I let all this happen when I perfectly knew how this is gonna change a lot of lives. People I know will never believe in love again.

They will hate it.

They will feel disgusted by it.

It'll be all my fault.

So I can't let that happen. This is for me to take it to my grave. No one can ever know it.
I should probably stop listening to all his words, they are haunting me. Reminding me all of his touches, his gaze, love in his eyes, the passion in his eyes. yet how he choose to be so gentle,

Knowing it'll be the last time.....

I dont deserve to be loved by people. I only give them pain and heartbreak. I'm a destructive person.

I don't love anyone, not even myself.

Or else I wouldn't let all this to happen.

I have to leave all that behind now. Greet the person who loves me more than anything else in the world with a smiling face, eyes filled with love. He deserves to be loved. they both are. maybe not by me.

So this is my unfortunate yet fortunate life...

I have all , yet I don't have anything....

I'm sorry for putting both of you through this.

I finally understood one thing, that being loved by so many is truely a blessing but it can be a curse as well.

Maybe this is my curse......

Maybe im blessed......

Yet its a curse.

It's the price I have to pay.