The Imperishable Flame⎪✓

❨01❩

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Punching the air in front of me once again, a heavy grunt emits from the depths of my throat. Sweat trickles down my back and the glossy shine on my skin catches my eyes, I have been cooped up in here in what feels like days by now. The anger will not fucking leave and no amount of boxing can change that. Shaking my head, I pretend to have an opponent and my arms work on instinct. Boxing has been a constant part of my life for a year now, it's a method for me to release some anger. 

"It reeks in here, Eli," Tilly says as she suddenly appears in the boxing ring. I've been in here for so long that my nose can't smell the stale metal and sweat anymore. Stopping my actions I dry my face with a towel from the floor, right now I need to be in here and let off some steam. She won't persuade me otherwise, because of how stubborn I can be. "What are you doing to yourself? This isn't healthy anymore."

"Tilly, don't start with me, not today."

"I will start with you, yes. Even today. You have cut off all ties with everyone, your time is spent in here cooped up, all alone, you wouldn't even allow me to celebrate your 22nd birthday!" Her frustration shines through and I remind myself that she is only 15, she wants the best for me and it isn't her responsibility to ensure that I don't kill myself with isolation. "You have changed, Elijah."

"You know this is my escape and I won't stop using it. It isn't dangerous for me to fight-"

"Then why the hell do you come home with bruises constantly? We moved back here again, you left everything behind in Hetdale because this is what you wanted, but you're still acting up about it! Can't you see that I'm trying to help you?"

"You're trying to persuade me into quitting and I won't, it's as simple as that. The truth of the matter is that fighting allows me to breathe, it's a breath of fresh air. You don't get to rip that away from me."

"I want you to quit because it's pathetic, Elijah! Fighting to get a high and to forget the troubled past you've had, it doesn't help you. Deep down you know, you know this is only stalling what both of us already know. You need help!"

The anger peaks right under the surface, "I have some responsibilities that you know shit about, Tilly! Grandpa had to go to a nursing home and now I'm the one fighting for us, allow me to have this to myself. My mind is perfectly fine, no part of my mental health is fucked up right now, I don't need anyone's help."

Not a second later she storms away from me, I'm working out in the basement of our apartment complex and she occasionally stops by to scold me for being down here too often. She won't ever accept what I do for a living, but I don't need her acceptance, she and I don't have to be friends. As long as she is safe then I'm good. 

I refuse to tell her the entire truth though, knowing how deeply fucked we are will only worry her, and I can deal with it on my own. There's no part of her that pries yet which tells me that I have done a great job at keeping the trouble out of my eyes. I will die before the authorities get to her and place her under my addicted mother's care, Tilly won't survive that life. Grandpa saved us from our mother years ago and now it's my turn to save Tilly.  

Fighting ensures that we are financially stable and allows me to hire the best lawyers, I can't stop it like she wants me to. Being her brother and wanting the best for her equals sacrifices on my part, a few bruises here and there is nothing compared to the emotional damage my insane mother could be the cause of. Tilly was young when Grandpa took us, but I remember everything from the house of hell. 

After years of living with him in the same town as her, my mother tried to search us out and asked around for us. Then we decided to pack up and move to Hetdale, that move is probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. I got some amazing friends in a short period of time, I even managed to find one girl that made me both nervous and excited whenever she was around. 

Her grey eyes will forever be etched into my mind, the feeling of having her lips on mine, her small body underneath mine. Everything about her will always be with me. I haven't seen her since her dad's funeral, I haven't seen any of them since, but she's the one I find myself missing the most. 

Tilly even took a liking towards her and that is so rare, it made me happy for the future we could have had. But that one talk by the lake made it clear that we didn't have a future at all, none of us were in a good place nor were we ready for a relationship. She deserved someone who could give her everything and I couldn't, I still can't. 

She will always be the one that got away. 

The hardest part is accepting that she and I are done for, graduation is still fresh in my mind. Her shaking frame pressed against mine, her finally telling me about the circumstances she lived through. She broke down completely and I tried to console her by being there, I hoped that my being there would help her, if only a little bit. Her life was troubled, it was clear in her eyes, but I didn't know how deeply troubled until I saw her drunk mother on the front porch that night after we kissed. And then when she told me about her dad, my heart broke for her. 

Tilly doesn't understand why we broke it off, she still occasionally comments on it today. Three years later her mind is still occupied by the grey-eyed girl who entered my life for a small while, allowing me to feel things for her. Whenever my sister even tried mentioning her name, I stopped her. I haven't said her name for three years now, it will only open wounds that I want to stay intact. My life is too hectic for her to enter my thoughts constantly and I won't allow Tilly to torture me with the memory of the girl I fell for.