What Happened to Forever-ever? (LushLaws One-Shot)

The Letter Goodbye

(A/N THIS IS NOT A TRUE STORY BY ANY MEANS. I love Matthew and Nick more than anything in the world and would never wish for this to ever happen. Sorry in advance...)

I remember the feeling of waking up on the right side of the bed and seeing your smiling face. "Good morning, beautiful" you'd always say. I miss that. It felt good, you know, waking up; now I barely even sleep. I honestly tried everything. Listen as I quote your own video: "Do something good for yourself. Start exercising, start eating healthier... Just something to preoccupy your time other than that," other than you.

Well it didn't work.

The more I tried to keep my mind off what you decided to do, the more pain it caused me. "Gay God" I heard them say. "Wow, he stayed so strong!" I would have to disagree. Emphasizing the word "stayed". Because that's one thing you didn't do. The critics overlook me. As if I never existed. As if I hadn't been affected. As if I hadn't been part of your life for the last years you even lived it. Ha! As if...

I remember the look on your face when you first saw the scars lining my body, almost artistically. As if I intended for them to be placed as meticulously as they were. Obviously not because that would defeat the purpose of the act; to lose all senses and to be free. However, what I didn't know is that you had matching marks. It's been a year since I found out. Minus three days. It's been 362 days since you left...for good.

You got mad (scared) and told me I needed support (someone to relate to). This resulted in the creation of "My Self Harm Story". And to be honest... I still watch it. Every. Single. Day. To remind me of the emotion. After all, it's really just careless pain when you removed the fear. After all, what else do I have to remind me that those tear stains never truly dried? I wish you told me you needed help too. Now we're both distroyed. You quite literally ever since your body has been burned and your ashes spead into the white ocean. Maybe I could fly away with you. Maybe in three days I'll be there too. Maybe you were right. Maybe I did need to stop and give up the fight. I have no right to judge your decisions if I'm about to make the same mistakes. But when you took your own life, Matthew... You also shot a bullet through my heart. Thanks a lot for that... I deserved it for being so clueless.

Day after day I watch the clock tick away. To seconds to minutes to hours. I watch the time tick by. To Sunday to Wednesday to every third Thursday. To the days I'm forced to put on that "beautifuly dimpled smile" only to remind me of the holes that were left in my soul remain as your presence disapeared from my heart. I force out a sweet laugh. A cute giggle. It keeps getting harder and harder. Without you here it's difficult to keep up. Only three more days... Even the viewers... They've started to notice. They don't even know the full story. I just wanted to say...

I started sleeping on the left side of the bed, hoping to capture the warmth before you heart went cold.

It's been a year since; minus three days. Three days till I escape the same way using the same route you used. All good things come to an end don't they? But, baby...

What happened to forever-ever? Because without you here I've lost all direction.

-Nicholas A. Laws (3 days before attempted suicide)

PS- I'll see you soon <3 I've missed you.