65 Responces

A Feeling

   THIS IS A VENT TOPIC;

I came up with many ways to start this. Different scenarios planned out in my head to type into a story. Most of them to draw in anyone whom would give up some time to listen. But, none truly work out like I want them to. So, instead I just decided to go with what my mind/fingers want to come up with. It's not the fanciest of introductions, however it will do its intended purpose.

    Do you really concern yourself when I'm sad? Or is it just a cover explanation to be nosey and want to know my problems? My skin is clear, my life is good (for the most part) Except for that i'm sad at the moment and you take that as an opportunity to rat me out on my faults. With the constant, "Stop the pity me act?" How is it an act when I'm not sorrowing myself. I'm worring for those who are, the lost, sick, and dying. When that comes into play people question if I'm okay or not.

As if that should be questioned at all. With the most obvious response you'll get is; "I'm fine." The international response for, 'No I'm not I need help." But i'm DONE asking for assistance. Constantly ignored in the past by much bigger things, i'm told. Now people've decided it's a good time to ask Shelby how she's holding up.

And honestly I'm done talking to you.

Trust me. It's not your fault,

It's mine.

Truth be told, right now I'm rambling on and on in this text document. But, honestly I don't care. I need something to let my inner demons simmer on. Instead of myself. yeah, you read right. The 'new hip thing' Hurting Yourself.

I know it's not something to joke about; hurting yourself I mean. However, I don't have to weild the knife to stake the marks. I've been living with a skin condition my whole life, why should I even think on doing harm to myself, all that time I was in tears for the raw spots to be gone. That i'd stop being the walking zombie for once. Every once in a while it would dissaper but just like a switch it would come back.

Now it looks like its gone. For good. The longest my skin has ever been this clear: I'm counting 37 days now. But, the thing is it feels weird. Being bare. Without a single splotch dotting my face or body. As if the actual linework as been erased from a sketch. Gone. Litterally gone.

I was happy at first. I really was. But, now. I feel.

I dunno,

Naked? Is that a good word?

To live a full life with the draw backs of feeling off, and now it's gone...

39,

40,

41...

Fourty one days.

And counting.

Enough with that mess.

Even though I might be sad, there are times (Alot of times) it gets better. Like the fact i've lost 7 people in my family in the last five years; my great grand parents, my grandpapa, my uncle, my 2 nefews, and my cousin. Yet.

Their still here.

Even though their not in the sense.

I feel them, see them, and over all I remember those faces.

The faces that laughed in the sunshine and cried during the rain. It's not all gone. From the photo's above our fire place, to my boy's picture in my wallet pocket. Their chubby baby cheeks beaming back in a frozen space.

Honestly I sometimes wish I could grasp ahold their little hands again. To feel the softness of their seeking fingers. But, they've cracked over time, to dust they blew away in the passing wind.

Eight years old. The small potted plants that were dried up by the summer's dreadful heat.

Lost, yet not forgotten.

Never will I ever;

Forget.

I see them. In their mother. Their father, I had'nt known him. He left four years in time; seconds. minutes. hours. days. weeks. months; waisted.

Him not being their.

Gone as well

'Oh well.' People say. 'Not our business.'

Not mine either I guess. I've been told to keep my nose out of it.

You can still be what you want to; what you said you were when I met you. People can be lost not only by death of a physical form but by metal too. Wether it be by Insaity, or change of heart. You can change good or bad. The brain flips on/off switched lodged in your head.

Losing a friend.

Your best friend.

Your Soulmate?

Have you ever? Have you ever wondered why? Someone you held close would risk or end your friendship to alter something or another in their lives. What did you do? You question as the person you'd once thought friend lashes out with an entirety of anger, I've known from the experience.

Each day things like this happen.

The loss.

The hurt.

We all have lossed something/one.

Doesn't mean you have to run from it. Learn from it.

Cope.

Understand.

The world is just the school yard. There's your bully's, nerds, control, leaders, the play ground. You could dwell on the fact that the places surrounding you is just another version of school and hide away in a shadow shield you've built over the years .

Or...

You can do what I did.

Extinguish the walls.

Blow away the fog.

Let in the sun.

Let the dusted flowers grow again. Don't let your feelings wither and blow away.

Attend the classroom, learn, understand the emotions and problems. And remember the neglected class flowers at the window' sill. Don't let them die alone. Or die at all.

Let them.

Just,

grow.

Living is

not only about survival.

It's also,

A Feeling.

- Rubywings730