Letters For Lindsay

I'm losing my mind

August 17

Hi, Lindsay. I realize you probably never want to talk to me ever again, at least that's what you told me the day you left, but I can't handle not talking to you. I miss the sound of your voice. You had such a beautiful sweet voice and I thought you had a wonderful singing voice as well even though you always thought I was lying. I feel really stupid for how things ended between us so I just wanted to say that I miss you. I miss you so damn much.
Love, Damian

September 4

It's me again. I can't stop thinking about you. The smell of your perfume is still on the pillow next to mine. I lay there alone now as I think about how cute you looked when you slept. I liked how your black hair splayed across the pillow or how your lips parted slightly. I liked how your hand always seemed to find me and how the moonlight made your skin glow. I always thought you were beautiful but you thought I was lying. I want to see your blue eyes again. They always lit up when you spoke and crinkled around the edges when you smiled. I miss your smile.
Love, Damian

September 26

Do you remember that café you used to like? The Francis Daley? I tried to go back there once but they kicked me out. I ordered your favorite dish and, I don't know what happened, but I started to cry. They said I was causing a scene. Sitting there made me remember how radiant you looked in the morning sun. I always told you that but you said I was lying again. Kyle and Greg have started to get really worried about me. They shouldn't be worried, I deserve this. I miss you.
Love, Damian

October 12

The leaves have started to fall outside. I go on walks alone now and listen to your favorite songs. Champagne Supernova by Oasis was the song we shared our first kiss to. I look over to see your hands pulled into your sweater but you're not there. You had the cutest hands, and the best music taste, but you said I was lying. I miss holding your hands and making them warm in the colder months. I miss you.
Love, Damian

November 9

Greg won't let me stay alone anymore. He's making me stay at his house. He tries to get me to go out and meet other people too but I just want to stay home and watch movies. I liked it when you cuddled into me during scary movies and how you could watch the same one multiple times and never get tired of it. Or when something was funny and you would laugh really loud and all I could do was smile at you. I thought you had the most adorable laugh but you thought I was lying. I miss the sound of your laugh.
Love, Damian

December 20

It's almost Christmas now, Lindsay. I remember when we spent it together with your family for the first time. You said you would prefer to spend it with my family, but they live in Ireland and your family was just fine to me. I liked your twin cousins that ran around the house laughing and shooting people with toy guns. I liked your grandpa that sang carols like he was in the opera. I also liked your brother even though he made me nervous with all of his questions. I told you that you had a wonderful family but you just shook your head and said I was lying. Your mother calls me sometimes just to see how I'm doing. I miss spending time with them, mostly you.
Love, Damian

January 2

I didn't stay up to celebrate New Years the other day. I was too tired and I couldn't bear to see couples share midnight kisses on the television. I remember that one New Years when you had too much to drink and you threw up in Kyle's front yard on the way to the car. You were so funny when you were drunk and you told the most wickedly hilarious jokes. I told you it was okay that you puked in Kyle's lawn but you insisted I was lying. I also miss making coffee for you in the morning so I make two for myself instead.
Love, Damian

February 14

It's Valentine's Day and I've locked myself in my room at Greg's house. He knocks on the door occasionally to make sure I'm still there. He says I'm getting ridiculous which is why I refuse to cry in his presence. He's going out with his new girlfriend tonight so I'll be able to bawl as much as I want. I don't care if it's not very manly. You teased me once and said I wasn't manly when I surprised you with flowers on Valentine's Day a while ago. What can I say? I'm a sucker for you but you demanded I was lying. I shut you up with a kiss and you let me go farther. I miss being able to kiss you.
Love, Damian

March 31

I don't think I can take it much longer. I see your face everywhere I go and I'm constantly hearing your voice. I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and all I want is for you to hold me. Everything reminds me of you, you're all I think about. I don't know why you always thought I was lying to you because I never was. You mean so much to me and I wish you could've believed that. I miss you so much, Lindsay, please, my hands are shaking and I think I might cry again. I miss you.
Love, Damian

April 18

I'm standing on top of the building you drove by when you left. I keep getting flashbacks of the phone call we shared. You screamed at me and I screamed back at you. You weren't paying attention and you were going too fast. I still remember that horrible sound of your car crashing head on into another. The other driver survived, you didn't. I need to see you again. I need to stop these memories. I'm such an idiot! I wish we never would've fought that day. You didn't deserve to die, I did. Well, now I'll get what I deserve. I hope you'll want to see me when we finally meet again. I love you, Lindsay. I love you so much it physically hurts. I'll see you soon... in heaven.
Eternally yours, Damian