On a air mattress in the middle of a cluttered garage, in the home of a sweet elderly lady, was a girl. She was 18 , alone and scared . Lost in the sea of what was known as life, without a home , a job ... a purpose. Given a chance to escape her past life she took a leap of faith and landed into the jagged pits of what would be .. her new life.
You took her in. The broken girl who abandoned her family for a fresh start. A girl who became corrupted by the expectations placed on her, she shattered breaking and withering away. You took her in because thats what u did isnt it ? You took care of people or so she thought. She had just met you and you pretended to care. Sure you may have loved her at first but then this became your new game . She was just another level to achieve another code to crack right? She was hurting but u refused to c it ... stop acting like a kid why do u always have so much attitude. Belittling her instead of building her up from the already shattered soul she was. Was this your help?
The girl on the mattress despite all of it accepted it because she knew she had no where to go. She began day by day , convincing herself that this was love. That the bruises you left on her were acts of love ... that you cared that she mattered. But no... she didnt
She was just a toy to u
U just thought it was fun to play with her emotions... that it was fun to watch her squirm and lash out to the pain u caused her
Why did u doubt her ?
Despite all of this she believed u loved her and she despite everything gave u her all
But it wasnt enough in the end was it
She just became a body for u
That u can use as u pls
Experiment if u will because u knew she was pure and completely urs
It hurt me ... it really did ... i began to detach myself from the hurt the pain because i began to feel like i couldnt live with myself.
Why did u do it ?
All i wanted to do was to make u happy by covering my own guilt pain and happiness sacrificing everything... for u
Why did u do it when u knew it would hurt me ...
And why did u stop me from leaving.. why didnt u c through my lies and realize that u were wrong?
Before things came to an end ... did u start to realize who u were ?
Forcing ur love on me making me numb... all for ur own sake
Did u know i cried late at night wanting the hurt to go away ? did u care?
I gave u my everything and i still wasn't enough for you or for anyone
Its not rape ..
If you didnt say no
If u didnt say stop
If u didnt bother to try...
Stupid of me right to be silent ... while u continued to use me for ur own gain...
I was scared ... and all i could do was turn my head and cry silently in my pillow
Its not rape
Cause i didnt say no... but thing is i didnt say yes either...
Everything starts off as a fairytale.. freedom and happiness
Soon replaced by shackles and pain once again
I missed them.. you know my family ... but i couldnt tell u that because u would have gotten mad ...
I couldnt tell u my pain.. in fear that u would label me a child and say i was overreacting and then insert a story of ur own ...
I was nothing to u in the end
How did it go from a life time to ... if there was even a sign of forever... i would be out of ur life and.... the future would be ripped out of me...
Why didnt u c it ?
Why didn't u care?
I left in the end but i was more damaged than when i came to u...
I began to distract myself so i wouldnt run my thoughts back to u
Countless faces adventures stolen kisses and intimate moments in places that should have been left untouched...
I thought i was getting better
Forgetting
But i wasnt
U still managed to creep ur way into my dreams .. into my everyday moments
I began losing sleep and slowly my mind
U consumed me
I couldnt escape u
There was too much
So many questions from not only myself but from my family and friends
And i couldnt say.. anything
I finally found a distraction ... a job
Thought i would get better .. but past criticism shined its way through not from u.. but from my family..
I cut u off ... but i couldnt let u go
It was so hard for me to let go...
It took me a long time to even get to a level of okay.. to let myself love to feel love to feel accepted...
so long
And it was because of u
I.. moved on u know
I found someone who looks at me as if i am the only one in the world
Who builds me up even on days that i feel like im going to shatter
Who holds me... as if im something precious
Who is not afraid to love me
For everything that is right and wrong with me..
Im not saying i moved on fast .. no
It took me a long time to get here
But he was worth it
Because he makes me feel worth it
Something u .. never did
I hope u never see this because ik u will never acknowledge that it was u
But i just want to say that im letting u go...
Good bye forever
From the girl on the mattress
