in the life of luke.

3-2-20 .

i am luke, i'll be 17 very soon. and these past few years of my life hold stories that mean the world to me. golden stories. murky, dirty, and gritty stories. i've felt many things i haven't felt in a long time the past few months. shame. embarrassment. a deep sting wound of pain reopened. where have i been? i don't like to think i've lost bits and pieces of myself over the years but i have. more lately. i don't know how to feel. what to feel. life is hard. it's hard turning your back on your mother, going to social services and telling them everything. only to be shut down. shame. i just want a better life for the children my mother bears. my little angels. i'd give them the world if i could. i spend most nights alone, after my boy falls asleep. thinking. why, why did i do it? why? i just want someone to give me the answers. what am i doing wrong? please please lead me in the right direction. i spend most days just trying to get by. most days i think about my mom, him, and my father. my mom, a woman i'll always mixed feelings towards but will always be defensive towards. him, the abuser. you did what a father figure isn't supposed to do. i just wanted to be loved and you stripped me of my innocence. i'll never understand why, why me? why didn't you ever stop? i doubt this case will go anywhere and you'll get what you deserve. but i know something greater will be waiting in the future. and my father. a man i love with all my heart and hate. i just want you to care. show me you care, that you love me at least a little. why do i still shed tears over you. you haven't even been in my life for more than a year combined in all my 16 years of living. i love you but i love you from a distance. thank you for giving me life. thank you for staying away. i slowly piece the pieces together each year. i just wish things could've been different but this is how it has to be. i love you. i love you. i love you.
and i love you, thank you for reading. for even giving a few minutes of your day to read. i love you. if you're struggling, you will make it. fight to see the good at the end of the tunnel. it will be so worth it. and i'm proud of you for making it this far in case you haven't been told. congrats, i love you.

your luke.