JOURNEY || JinKook ☑️

TWENTY ONE - Opportunity

Jungkook

Everland pushed through even without Jin. Although Soobin got whiny on the way to the park, when we started riding the rides, Soobin changed his mood. He was happy and overly excited.

Truth hurts. Seokjin is right. I fucked up. But he should have said it gentler? I don't know. I think I should have at least talk to him in a nice way and did not force him to come. Perhaps, he got annoyed that Yoongi needed to wake him up. Triggered is the best word to describe it.

But even something happened yesterday, the whole day out turned out fine. It's our first time bonding together as father and son. After seven years of drowning myself in grief, I realized how I missed so much of Soobin.

Soobin is a very reserved boy. He rarely talks. He rarely shares his likes and dislikes. Whatever I give, it's fine with him. Maybe because I never gave him a chance to speak his mind, to tell me what he wants and to share with me what he likes and doesn't like.

I imprisoned myself to something irreversible. I always think about what could have been, would have been and should have been if Ken is still alive. But in reality, those thoughts were impossible to happen. And even if I think about it, it will not bring Ken back. And all those thoughts made me forget about Soobin. It made me forget that I am a father. A single parent to a boy.

Seeing Soobin laughing, enjoying and screaming in happiness gave me that kind of feeling that sometimes in my life, I made my son happy. Jin was right, yesterday should be my alone time with my son. I should bond with him. Just the two of us. And it went well.

Perhaps, if Jin came, it would have been different. Perhaps, Soobin's attention will be all over Jin.

But yesterday, he never spoke about his teacher during our time inside the park. He enjoyed it with me and he kept on calling me daddy the whole time. He only mentioned Jin this morning when we're on our way to Taehyung's house. He said that it's unfortunate that Jin wasn't able to come. But you know what struck me the most? He never said that it could have been happier if Jin was there. And it made me believe that I did become a father to him yesterday.

Today, a Sunday, I brought two stems of white rose. I already placed one of the roses to Ken. My usual routine every Sunday. Rose and some talks with my Ken. The other rose, I'm planning to place on Jin's son's vault.

Curiosity met me when I saw Jin standing in front of his son's vault. There's a balloon tied on the candle holder. He's all smiles while he kneels and pulls out a small cake from a box. He puts some colorful candles and lights it.

In a very low voice, he starts singing happy birthday. My heart breaks for him. Maybe that's why he's very grumpy yesterday because he's thinking about how to celebrate his son's birthday without his son beside him.

After he blows the candles, he puts it down. Like the past two weeks of seeing him in this place, he always rubs his hand on his son's vault. Perhaps, he's longing to touch him and to hold him.

I made my way to Jin. I stand beside him and place a stem of white rose in the flower holder. He turns his face to me and I know he's surprised to see me there.

"Happy Birthday to your son," I said. His eyes linger to mine and it bears sadness and for sure, loneliness.

He's not saying anything. Tears threaten to fall from his eyes.

"Haneul won't like it if you will cry on his birthday." I tried cheering him up. His lips starting to pout, I know he's about to cry.

"Why are you here?" His voice breaking as he speaks. "How did you know I'm here?"

I tried to smile to lessen the tension between us. I guess this time, I should be the one to understand. This is an emotional day for him.

"I've been seeing you here for two weeks now. Ken's vault is on the other side. I brought an extra stem of flower to give to Haneul."

He stared at the white rose and forced a smile. "It's pretty. Thank you." He wiped his tears that fell on his cheeks.

"He's cute," I said while looking at the picture of a boy behind the transparent glass. The boy looks like Jin.

Jin's eyes went from me to his son's picture. "He's supposed to turn 7 today. Just like Soobin's age.

I just nod. Honestly, I don't really know how to react. I leave him alone to have some more time with Haneul. And after a while, he comes out.

"You're still here, maybe Soobin is waiting for you." He said as soon as he saw me standing at the stairs.

"Maybe you want to have brunch with me? Let's celebrate Haneul's birthday?" I invited him. Hoping for a yes and it delighted me when he nods.

***

The food is already served and no one dares to talk. I assumed we are both shy or guilty about what happened yesterday.

"I'm sorry about what happened yesterday." He said breaking the ice. "I came here with you to apologize. I know I should have not said that. We're not even friends for me to comment on a sensitive issue that I know nothing about. I'm sorry for all the hurtful things I've said yesterday and before.

Jungkook, I swear to you, that's not me. I'm just very sensitive when it comes to parenting a kid. I lost mine. By now, you're aware that I lost my kid. You just don't know how lucky you are for having a son. You lost a boyfriend but at least, you still have your son with you. While me, I have no one left. My life has been miserable for two years now. And I envy you because you have your son. You will never feel alone. You have a little bundle of hope and joy.

It hurts me when kids experience that kind of treatment from their parents. It hurts when kids feel sad, unwanted, neglected and unloved. Because those are the opposite things that I wanted my son to feel - happiness, feeling cherished, wanted and loved. But sadly, I can't. I don't have that chance anymore."

Again, tears keep on streaming down his face. I'm glad I chose a corner table and the place isn't crowded. At least, he can cry and open his heart out.

"When I met Soobin and found out how lonely he was, the pain just came rushing back to me. It's an irony that those people who wanted a child can't bear one and those who already have can't be a parent to their child. Life is sometimes unfair, right?

Can you see this ring around my finger? This was from Haneul's father. He got me pregnant out of wedlock. We broke up but he went back to me when he learned that I'm about to give birth. We got engaged. This ring was chosen by my son. The reason why I'm still wearing it. But during our wedding day, his father left me standing alone at the altar. He chose to be with his other man. Something I didn't know about.

But life goes on for me. After a week, my life continues. I will bring Haneul to school in the mornings and will pick him up after two hours. That day, his father went to school earlier than me. Since I forgot to inform the school not to give my son to anyone other than me, the school gave Haneul to his father.

I don't know where they were going. They met a car accident. My son died. His father survived. I lost my will to live. It felt as though heaven had forsaken me. I chose to stay quiet. I did not file a case. I am angry at myself for being careless. I blamed myself for what happened. But even if I blame myself, it can't bring my son back.

I realized that I should move on completely. I chose to leave London and settle here in Korea. I brought my son's urn with me.

Jungkook, I know how it feels to lose someone we love. I'm sorry if I did not consider your feelings. I should have not judged you. But I hope, you can be a father to Soobin. Not everyone has the opportunity to be a parent. I believe you really wanted to have a child with Ken. Soobin is with you. Don't waste that opportunity."