She, He and Him

1. One Day at a Time

---

I wasn't prepared for this. I expected my life to go to plan. I would graduate high school with a lot of friends, I would go to college, I would marry and have kids.

These were the expectations.

That was the plan. That was the goal. No exceptions. My parents would be proud and so would I. But life is funny-- no, hilarious. It has a wicked sense of humor and a cruel way of turning everything against us.

I could no longer look myself in the mirror and his eyes kept catching mine, and I knew right away that things were not going according to plan.

---

'CASSANDRA! DINNER!'

It had become a habit to yell back, 'Mom! It's Casey!'

I heard her scoff in the kitchen and mumble something about wanting to be like the cool kids. Oh, if only she knew.

Skipping the steps as I made my way downstairs, I heard my little sister chattering about her day. I loved Melanie, but her high voice rang in my tired head.

I paused before I walked into the kitchen. Here we go, I mentally prepared myself to face the unending questions. I just wanted to go back up to my room, close the door, and listen to music. I needed a break.

Sighing, I stepped out into my family's line of sight.

'Casey!' Melanie squealed as she raced over and hugged my waist, 'You'll never guess what happened today!'

'What happened?' I replied with mock enthusiasm. My gut tightened just a little bit and I felt bad for being a terrible sibling. I really should be more invested in the things she finds exciting.

I felt myself drift off and block out any unwanted noise. The tile floor needed to be cleaned, I would probably have to do that tomorrow. I should also clean my bathroom and room. Ugh, what I would give to be in my room right now- I then remembered that my sister was talking to me.

'-and then Mark whined the rest of the day because I won!' She finished triumphantly. I just laughed and smiled along with her. I missed the whole story.

She finally let go of me and I was free to go set the table. I took out the napkins, silverware, and plates.

'Hey, when does Melanie get to do this?' I huffed out as I made up three places at our new table, looking at the fourth chair.

'When she's old enough,' Mom's sing-song voice rang out.

'Ok, but I've been doing this since I was-'

'Cassandra.'

'Casey,' I mumbled.

She just rolled her eyes. 'Casey, setting the table is your job and always will be your job. Now hurry up, the spaghetti won't eat itself.'

When I was finally done putting out the napkins, I slumped in my chair and took a bite of the salad on my plate. Save the best for last, I reminded myself.

Melanie was off talking about her day again. How could she be eating and talking at the same time without getting in trouble? I looked at my mom, who was intently listening and I tried to focus on my little sister's words, I really did. I even attempted focusing on her face, but my mind kept going back to school. I needed to call Hailey and rant... but I also didn't want to talk to anyone.

Sighing once again, I turned to my spaghetti.

'So Cassandra,' Mom interrupted my thoughts.

'It's Casey,' I supplied once more, growing impatient with this constant back and forth.

'Why do you even like that name?' She asked me from across the table. I knew that she would ask me this, and I always said the same thing.

'I just like how it sounds and it's easier to say, kind of like a nickname.'

I had to be careful with how I phrased this or she would get mad and never even think about calling me Casey ever again.

'Cassandra is perfectly easy to say,' she mumbled over her food.

Pretending that I didn't hear her comment, I asked, 'What were you going to ask me?'

'Oh yes, how was your day today?'

And there it was, her fake smile yet again. It was like we never even had our conversation about my nickname. It was nonexistent, it never happened and didn't matter, just like being called Casey.

Why was it so hard?

'Oh, umm...' I struggled to find the right words to describe my day. There was no way I could be honest with her. How I had to wait to go pee until I got home, how I felt so overwhelmed with homework and expectations, how I felt even more excluded than ever. No, she could never know any of that. 'It was good,' I lied.

She just said 'oh, that's nice' before engaging with Melanie in another conversation.

I knew she didn't like talking to me. I mean, it must be so exhausting to have to constantly be asking questions and only get half answers. Looking at Melanie, I envied her excitement. That bright flash of joy whenever she talked about anything. Literally anything.

I finished my food and walked back upstairs after thanking Mom and cleaning up.

The door shut behind me as I moved across my dark room. Opening the window, I took a deep breath of the cool night air. It was almost Halloween and it smelled like fall. The old leaves had already fallen and the days were getting colder. I sat on my windowsill, trying to appreciate the moment of peace, but all I could think about was my day. And I had to stay away from that.

I made my way to my bed and slumped down over my heavy covers. I felt gross and probably needed a shower, but I felt so exhausted. I hadn't been able to sleep last night, so now my body was desperately trying to shut down.

I just stared at the ceiling, telling myself to take it one day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time.