Shaddam Fixes Everything

Princess Irulan made her way through the Corrino Palace, with sensual movements as she had been taught. Her long golden hair was tied above her head and she wore a white dress of elaborate make. Entering the room she found her father, Emperor Shaddam IV sitting in a chair. he was reading a nice book, with a cup of coffee next to him. He did not immediately notice her presence.

"Father you called for me," said Irulan.

He looked up, shut his book and set it down and spoke: "Yes Irulan, we have a very serious problem. You see, Duke Leto is becoming very popular with the Landsraad and has become a threat to my position. Worse still, my sources tell me that he is training an army almost as good as mine.

"This situation is intolerable."

"I see," said Irulan, seeing where this was going. "So you're going to make an alliance with the Harkonnen. Then hide your Saudukar in his forces to slaughter the Atreides. Doubtless, a traitor will be used to destroy the shield generator to allow our forces in. Then you'll give the place to Baron Harkonnen and remove him later."

Father's eyes widened. "What are you crazy?! I like Leto, and besides, that is just insanely overcomplicated. No, I'm going to marry you to his son Paul Atreides."

"Oh," said Irulan.

"House Corrino and House Atreides merge," said Shaddam matter of factly. "Paul becomes Emperor after my death and in the meantime, I control both Arrakis and the Saudukar."

The Bene Gesserit sisterhood would not be happy about this. "I see. That is... uh... efficient.' said Irulan. "Won't doing that disable the carefully designed tripod our society rests on though?"

"Of course, it will," said Shaddam. "I want to control everything though, and this will make that happen so I don't much care. I think I'll blackmail the guild by threatening to destroy the spice melange. That was Paul's idea, actually. Smart kid."

"But what if they call our bluff?" asked Irulan, feeling obligated to play devil's advocate.

"The Guild has only not taken over the universe because of their unwillingness to take risks." said Shaddam "Do you think they'll call our bluff?"

"No, I suppose not," said Irulan. "What about the Freman? Aren't they becoming a real problem in Arrakis."

"You needn't worry, girl," said Shaddam. "I'm told Duke Leto is well on his way to pacifying them without striking a blow. I figure I'll set them up as rivals to the Saudukar, so both groups compete to one-up each other.

"Leto and I have talked it over. Once we've got them under control for their first mission, I'm going to send them to take over Giedi Prime. They hate Harkonnens with a passion anyway, so it'll be easy. Then we can convince them to work for us and integrate them into the Imperial Military.

"I doubt the Landsraad will be bold enough to disagree with me now. And with Leto on my side, anyone bold enough will want to rally behind him."

Well, the Harkonnen were as good as dead. The Bene Gesserit sisterhood was going to have fits over this. "You seem to have thought this through."

"Well, I am the Emperor. I didn't get this job because I looked good in a funny hat," said Shaddam "Also there is a bit of a long-term problem I've been alerted to. It turns out our society is too centralized, everything revolves around the spice. which means that a single serious problem could wipe out humanity. So I've decided to invest in alternate means of faster than light travel."

"The Guild won't be happy." mused Irulan.

"How unfortunate for them," said Shaddam. "I provide their spice quota." He paused. "I'm also going to initiate mass colonization efforts of distant worlds. I'll use economic incentives."

Economic incentives? You mean he meant to use something other than assassination and court intrigue? That was... actually a very good idea. ''That sounds good. But wouldn't it be better if you transformed into some kind of immortal worm human hybrid?" asked Irulan. "You could brutally subject humanity to a thousand and five hundred year dark age. Then people will decide to leave on their own."

"No. Why would it be?" said Shaddam.

Irulan had to admit that Father had a point. "All right Father. But what about the whole Kwisatch Haderach thing? The Bene Gesserit have been working toward that for generations."

"Scrap the funding," said Shaddam. "At this point, it seems rather unnecessary. Anyway, the wedding takes place in a month. Be ready."

"Yes Father," said Irulan, bowing before leaving.

The wedding was an exceedingly splendid affair. It was held in an ornate chapel with good food, good company, and good intentions. Irulan and Paul stood at the altar as the priest read from the Orange Catholic Bible.

"I now pronounce you man and wife."

Thus they walked down the aisle.

"Well, that was a quick rode to universal domination." mused Paul. "It is fortunate your father didn't get drunk one night and make an alliance with Baron Harkonnen."

"Yes," said Irulan, feeling exceedingly ill-used. "That would have been most unfortunate."

And they lived happily ever after to the end of their days. Because Shaddam IV wasn't a complete moron.

Authors Note:

Dune is one of the greatest science fiction novels ever written. Its plot also only works if everyone is a complete moron. At every step, there was a logical, easy solution to each problem. It doesn't take a Kwisatch Haderach to see some of these issues, as the above should clearly indicate.